Tesslee's Gift Card

For Tesslee's first birthday, a bunch of my sisters and mother in-law gave me a gift card to a spa. It was such a kind gesture. It has also been difficult to think of ever using it. I have kept it in my journal now for 7 months, feeling like if I used it I was in some strange way cashing in on my daughter's death. Well, the opportunity arrived to use the gift card for a special occasion that is coming up. It finally felt right to use it, so I went to the spa and got a pedicure, all the time thinking that I was doing this in memory of my daughter and in some way she was treating me to a relaxing pedicure.

As I was enjoying my pedicure, one of Tesslee's songs came on: If I Die Young, by The Band Perry. This song has always been favorite, full of so much passion, but it wasn't until Tesslee died that I realized just how grief-filled the words were:


"Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"

Those words capture me every time I hear them. They are even my ring tone.

I sat there in the chair, and this song came on and immediately I knew Tesslee was with me enjoying our pedicure together, although I could not see her. She knew how significant this milestone was for me in spending her first birthday gift. I had the chills. I knew it was a sign from her.

As I was driving home thinking about that special moment we had together, another song came on the radio, our song Let Her Go, which I wrote about in the previous blog. It was so deliberate, and so special to hear it tonight. I felt so loved and close to her that she would communicate with me this way letting me know she is aware of what I'm doing in her memory and that she is with me. That song ended, and I felt blessed to have heard those 2 beautiful songs on our birthday date. The very next song brought me to tears. It was the third song that I associate with Tesslee, A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri. This song was the first song that spoke to me when I finally began listening to the radio after Tesslee died. It touched my heart so deeply, as every agonizing day we were apart was also one step closer to the day I would see her again. That thought kept me going on the really bad days.

"Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall...
 

One step closer

 I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

 

One step closer

 I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more...

 One step closer"

                                   - A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

 

I feel so loved and heart-warmed that Tesslee would give me these three songs as a sign tonight that she was there with me. What a beautiful angel I have been blessed with! The day I meet her in person will be one of the happiest days of my existence. And it was a really special thing to spend Tesslee's birthday gift while she was near. I had a hard time handing the gift card over. It had caused me a lot of anxiety the past months, and to part with it was strange. But it turned out to be such a beautiful gift and to be able to spend it with Tesslee was the greatest gift of all. ♥