Gifts

We went on vacation to California this past week. It was bittersweet for me. I really needed a getaway, and it was so much fun to take our family and see new things, make some memories. But it was difficult at the same time. I continually felt that someone was missing. We took a lot of pictures together as a family. I just wanted to leave a space for Tesslee so bad! My heart felt really heavy.

I feel so blessed. There were two nights that I had beautiful dreams of my baby Tesslee. In the first I dreamed I had more time with her little body. It was perfect and tiny, just as I remember it, only it didn't change. It stayed peach and warm. I could really feel her little body in the blanket exactly as it felt. I just carried it around everywhere, held  her little body to my heart. It made my heart weightless and free. I was so happy. The dream was so real. I can still see the images in my mind.

A couple days later I was blessed with another dream! This time as I looked at her she began moving and crying. She had the most beautiful eyes and they were staring back at me. She began crying. The sound was Heavenly! I just sat there and listened and listened, not wanting to move or jump up to cuddle her, just listening to that beautiful cry I've always longed to hear. I snuggled her in a blanket. She was mine. My very own breathing baby. Tiny and perfect in every single way. I couldn't believe I was having this dream and I didn't want to wake from it. I knew it was a dream in my dream. I just stared at her in awe. She was so beautiful and I didn't want to blink, I wanted to soak in every memory of her that I could.

 My dreams are beginning to be my memories of her. I feel so blessed every time I dream of Baby Tesslee. I love that my arms can still remember the weight of her little body, and the way it felt to hold her. It's so real when I hold her in my dreams. I think of these dreams as gifts from Heavenly Father to soothe my aching heart. I love that they came to me while on vacation.

My Visit

All day I had this longing to be near my baby. Something was pulling me to her. I found a chance to sneak away and visit Tess by myself for a little while. I was excited to spend all the time I wanted with just her and me. I sat in the grass and had a nice talk. I felt so close to her. I'm at peace that she is layed to rest surrounded by family I have known and loved all my life... Baby Marilyn, Grandma and Grandpa Turner, Grandpa and Grandma Great, Truman...  I have so many fond childhood memories here in this cemetery. I feel like I am in my own personal sanctuary. I plucked some of the roses out of her vase and pulled the pink petals off one by one. They were still fresh even though we brought them for her last week. I placed the petals on the ground in circles around hers, Marilyn's and Grandma's graves. I sat and listened to my thoughts and heart. I loved this place so much! I wish I could stay. I miss my little Tesslee.  I long to feel her frog legs kicking me. I can't wait to hold her hand. I dream about what color her eyes are. I'm so excited to see her beautiful eyes open and gazing back at me. It will be Heaven to my heart. Sometimes I watch Kilee and Ellee and wonder if I am staring at what Tesslee looks like too. She looked just like them. I can feel her presence a lot. Its so strange to feel like I know Tesslee so well and recognize when she is near, yet have all the details be a mystery I have to wait for. I like this thought. It feels good to have something so dear to look forward to. This visit was just what my heart needed today.  I feel renewed.

October 15th

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I love having a special day set aside each year to honor all the little ones who had to say goodbye much too soon. Tonight families everywhere celebrated by lighting a candle at 7 pm creating a WAVE OF LIGHT across the world. And, this was probably the most beautiful night Facebook has ever had. It was flooded with pictures and posts of candles burning brightly for our babies. I loved seeing this wave! 

My dear friend Shawnie sent me this picture of the candle they lit for Tesslee. I cannot describe how much it means to me to have others participating with us in honoring Tesslee's memory! Thank you Shawnie with all my heart for remembering my little girl today! It was also Tesslee's 7 month angelversary. The phone calls, texts and messages warmed my heart. Thank you! It really helps to feel so much support from friends and family.

 

Someone I have never met lit a candle for Tesslee and took a picture for me and 191 other angel babies. What a sweet service to angel parents!

 

 

 

 

This was such a special day and I look forward to celebrating it every year. Tesslee, and all your angel baby friends, you are each so loved, desperately missed and will be in our hearts until we are united once again.

Sewing Diapers

Last week our family adopted the Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center in Baltimore as our hospital to provide Teeny Tears diapers for the tiny babies lost there. I was sooo excited to be a part of something that means so much to me! Tesslee was given one of these precious little diapers to wear when she was born. When they brought her to me wearing a diaper, it meant the world that although not alive, she would still be clothed and her little bottom covered. She was cremated wearing her diaper, and we were given another that was identical to the one she wore so we could forever have a little keepsake. I know how much these diapers are treasured by the families that receive them!

Last weekend was General Conference, and I could think of nothing better than to busy our hands while we were listening to our church leaders. The kids loved this idea and were anxious to learn how to make little diapers for other angel babies like their Tesslee.

After tracing the diapers, we cut away as we listened to the speakers. I became teary-eyed as one of them quoted from the scriptures,

"For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked and ye clothed me: ...Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?...
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."  
-Matthew 25:35-40

The thought of making these tiny diapers for my beautiful Savior and future angel families brings so much joy to my heart!

 

I love that my children are so willing and eager to serve these angel babies. They did such a wonderful job cutting so many of them out. Jefferson even mentioned he would like to do something along these lines for his eagle scout project.

 

At one point in the process, which took a couple days, I was having a really difficult evening. The pain of losing Tesslee and all those emotions that come with it began compounding all over again. I sat down at the sewing machine with tears streaming down my face, and began sewing the diapers together. Sometimes I feel so helpless, like I have no control over anything in my life, not my emotions, not my grief, not even being able to do anything to save my baby. I've felt such a loss of control. But as I sat there pushing the fabric through and feeling the power and hum of the sewing machine, I felt like it was the one and only thing I could control; it was my project, and I was making a difference. It was very healing! So I hope the families that receive these diapers can feel the love (and tears) that each one was made with. Being able to serve others this way has helped in my own healing process. I am so excited for the many more batches of diapers there are to come!

 

 

Missing Their Sister Pt 2

I passed Tesslee's shelf today and noticed the sweetest thing. It was filled with rocks, berries, dried-up flowers, and straw the kids have been collecting for Tesslee when they go out to play. What a pure, perfect way the kids are grieving the loss of their sister. Even in their outside playtime she is in their thoughts and they find ways to share their nature treasures with her. I don't see ever getting rid of any of these special items. Let the shelf get as full as it can with their love for Tess.

Recording My Emotions

I recently spoke with a mom who lost her baby girl five years ago. She mentioned how glad she was that I am keeping a blog of all my feelings. She didn't, and now wishes she had her feelings written down along with dates so she could look back at the early stages in her grief and loss. After thinking about this, I decided that I wanted to post something I wrote last week, but never published. Some days I can't stop writing, but it is hard to hit that 'Publish' button and let everyone in the world know what I struggle with. But I also want my blog to be public, in that maybe my honesty can help someone else in their healing. I have spent many late nights reading others' blogs and stories of their losses, and it has been so helpful to realize that I am not alone. There are others out there who understand the same immense pain I do. It's strange that some days are so difficult, and then others I seem to be a lot more stable. The void in my heart is always there, but the deep heartache and emotion comes and goes every few days. I'm grateful for the break when it comes. It has been relieving the last couple days to feel emotions a little less intense than last week...

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...Something I struggle with is how people do not understand the extent of my loss. It is so difficult to live with the ignorance of others, and train myself to just let it go. I'm working on that. I am offended when people tell me they are surprised that I am still struggling so much. I struggle multiple times every single day. There is a huge void in my heart that cannot be filled. Of course, I have to function, I have a family who needs me. But I am doing it as I walk around blankly, with everything slowed and muffled. Nothing is as it was before. Even the hymns at church are sung way too fast. It's a task to carry a conversation, especially a deep one. I have to focus hard. My mind is fuzzy. There is really only one thing on my mind most of the time. Every thought I have connects back to Tesslee. And I catch my very patient children repeating "...Mom...Mom look. Mom..Did you hear me?" I hate when that happens. I feel so guilty. I can put on a good show for a while, but it drains me. Just the little things that used to come so natural are overwhelming. And people make me feel like my behaviour is alarming and unusual. You know what? I have been told that I am completely normal! My actions and my feelings are right on target for what I have experienced. I don't think there is anything that goes more against nature than a baby dying. It's not something that is ever gotten over, and especially not in months' time. It offends me (which I am trying to work through) when people ask Is she still having a hard time? I wish I could give these people just a peak into my heart and mind so they would give me a break or some leeway as I discover how to navigate my way through this new life.

Regrowth

Around four months after having a baby, my hair begins to shed, and I mean SHED. It's out of control. And it used to scare me, until a stylist told me it is normal and happens to a lot of women after childbirth. Regrowth hairs have always been a nuisance and something I've despised about pregnancy. I've even begrudgingly planned bang hairstyles during certain stages of regrowth because I was so irritated with all the little wispies and owl horns sticking out.

A lot has happened I didn't expect would ever happen to me. I didn't expect that I would have a baby, and then not get to take my baby home. I didn't expect my milk to come in days later, why would it? My baby didn't need it. That seemed beyond cruel. I also didn't expect my hair to fall out months after. To me, those things all fell in the category of "Things you don't have to go through because your baby dies." Well, that category doesn't exist. Everything's the same, the only difference is your baby is missing from the picture. But I'm finding out something beautiful can happen when deprived of what you so desperately desire. Things I once complained about and never noticed the beauty in, are things I now cherish. I found myself welcoming my hair loss and regrowth! I was overjoyed to see actual evidence of my sweet Tesslee's life (that I miss so much!) still lingering inside my body. I love the regrowth my daughter has given me! I love to see proof that she lived, and I was her mother, everytime I look in the mirror.

Everyday as I do my hair, I smile at all my little wispies and my owl horns on the sides of my forehead. I treasure each one of those strands and hope they grow slowly. In fact, I wish I could keep them forever. I'm grateful to see things differently. What's funny is, I didn't know I was blind before, but now I see. It's a blessing to be able to enjoy the little things. Tesslee, thank you for changing me. My life is richer than it ever was, because you shared yours with me.

Interesting Article

An interesting article was recently posted on KSL titled Child's Death May Increase Chance of Mother's Fatality. Here is the link. The article brought to mind a question I've been hearing lately, now that some time has passed: Why is she still having such a hard time? This article and the comments posted shed some light and offer validation as to why I am still having a hard time.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with October 15th being the day set aside nationally to honor all babies gone too soon. I have been looking forward to experiencing this month with the new meaning Tesslee has given October. I hope to bring awareness to these precious little ones, and to the depth and extent of grief that is attached to infant and pregnancy loss. It is greatly underestimated. It affects so much more, and is felt so much longer than many people realize.

Missing Their Sister

I've had a few people ask how the kids show their grief, and I think it's important to have this recorded. It will be good to look back and see the different ways each of them grieve.

Jefferson is pretty private, and doesn't say a lot, but he is very sentimental, and I know that even though he doesn't say much, he thinks about his little sister, often. The night we came home from the hospital we were looking at her pictures all together on the couch, and I glanced over at Jefferson. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was trying to cry quietly. It broke my heart. We all held each other and had a good cry and chat about how crying is okay. The hospital gave us a book to read with the kids called Sad Isn't Bad. It was the perfect time to read it. Jefferson is really into collecting Pokemon cards. And every now and then he brings me a card and tells me he will never trade this one because it reminds him of Tesslee. One card had the Pokemon's stats on its height said 8 inches tall. He said it was really special to him because that's how big Tesslee was. Also, out of the blue one day he brought me a measuring tape that was pulled out 8 inches and asked why we didn't let him come to the hospital and hold Tesslee. (When Tesslee was born, we thought a lot about whether we would have the kids come or not. She was perfect, but began to discolor and change rapidly. We decided to just show them pictures of her, since what they were expecting their baby sister to look like was not what she would look like by the time they got there.) Sometimes I wonder if it would've been a good thing for the older kids to hold their baby sister. I know I can't look back.

Kilee talks about Tesslee all the time. She draws pictures at school and saves them to take to Tesslee's grave, she always includes Tesslee in our prayers. She dreams about Tesslee. She's mentioned that she really wishes she could've held Tesslee, too. Kilee has told me more than once that she hopes we don't have any more babies. I was shocked that she would say such a thing, because she loves babies so much and was so excited to have Tesslee. I think she is afraid of losing another baby. She had some big plans for herself, Ellee and Tesslee, and she has had to change those plans. Kilee was very excited that all the girls would share a room. We have had Kilee's and Ellee's baby pictures displayed on her dresser and it was really important for her to go the store and pick out a picture frame that could hold all three of the girls' pictures. It was fun taking Kilee there and choosing a fancy picture frame. I think it is good for her to have a picture of them all together. She also saved her money and bought a poster for Tesslee. She hung it right by her bed.  Tonight Kilee did something really cute. She made us all name tags for our places at dinner. She set a place for Tesslee, too. It was so special.

Caden is very tender-hearted. He tells me a couple times a day that he can't wait any more to see his baby sister and that she will be so cute!!! There have been a few times that it just becomes too much and he breaks down and cries, but it is a cry that he tries to hold in, and can't, and it sounds like he is hyperventilating. It is so very precious and heart-breaking at the same time. It hurts me so much to see him cry. When this happens I just scoop him up and hold him and tell him it's okay if he needs to cry, and that I miss her so much too, and someday we will have her again. Cade remembers Tesslee in every prayer. He asks Heavenly Father that she will be safe in Heaven. He also loves to sleep with her baby blanket, which is hard for me to part with, but every now and then I let him have it for the night. Whenever we pass the cemetery, Cade always reminds us to say hi to Tesslee. It's something we do every time now, (even if I'm in the car by myself) we always say hi to her.

I wondered if Ellee, being so young, would show signs of grieving. I am becoming more aware everyday that she knows more than we realize. Sometimes out of nowhere she will say "It's so sad, Tesslee died, Its sad." I think she understands death more than most 2 year olds. Right after Tesslee died, some little kittens she loved to hold died too. So now she associates "Tesslee died. Kitties died. Its sad." I wonder what "died" means in her mind. I think to her it signifies that they went away, or she can't see them anymore. Tesslee is still a very common part of Ellee's daily life, though. She always asks to hold Tesslee's empty outfits, and I let her as much as she wants. She rocks and cuddles them and kisses where Tesslee's face would be. She loves babies so much. Ellee is very sensitive to me, and shows a lot of concern and really is aware of when I am hurting. I think showing concern for me is a way she grieves and lets me know she understands and feels this too.

I'm learning so much about grieving. I wish that I could take my children's pain and sadness away! But I know that it is important that they feel what they are feeling, and do what they need to do, and that they don't bottle their emotions up. I want my kids to know that I understand that they suffered their own significant loss of their sister. I love my children so much, and whatever they need to do to work through their individual grief, I am here for them.