Supporting the Griever

One thing I wish I had known many years ago was how to show support to someone going through the grieving process. While everyone grieves in their own way, these are some things I have learned along the path of my grief experience.

Do's...

• Be specific when offering to help a griever. I've said many times, "Let me know if there is anything I can do..."  The reality is, a griever is not in the mindset of knowing what they need, let alone asking you for it. Instead, have something in mind you are willing to do for them. Some of the most helpful offers given me have been: "I want to bring you dinner. Would Tuesday or Wednesday be best?"... "My kids would love to have your kids over this afternoon. Can I come get them for a bit?"

• Meals!!! Dinners are so helpful. Even months after a loss, a griever may not be in the mindset of cooking. Something very welcomed is a dinner brought over after some time passes, when people move on, and the griever is left to the heavy task of trying to live life, feeling broken inside. Freezer meals are much appreciated.

• Give gifts. Tangible items mean a lot to the bereaved. Some ideas include: book, cards with a handwritten message, Willow Tree figurines, spa gift cards, a journal, pictures, inspirational music, plants or flowers, and special mementos placed at the grave of the loved one.

• Acknowledge their loss. The fear of not knowing the right thing to say is a reason many people avoid acknowledging a loss. Even if you say the wrong thing, it hurts the griever less than if you had ignored it and said nothing at all. It's deeply painful to be on the grieving end and not have it acknowledged when I am so heavily hurting inside. A simple hug and an "I'm so sorry," is a very loving way to express your sympathy.

• Listen and ask questions. While some grieve privately and find sharing painful, others need to share and talk their way through grief. Ask if the griever is comfortable talking about their loss. If they are, listen and ask questions. I love talking about my baby and my experience. Bringing up my loss is not hurtful, in fact, it means a lot when someone lets me know they want to hear about my baby girl. Questions let us know that you are truly interested in what we have to say. 

• Remember names and significant dates. Use the loved one's name often in conversation. Let the griever know they were and still are an important part of your life. A fear many bereaved parents have is that their child will be forgotten. It means so much to me when I hear people mention my angel by name. A phone call, card, text or conversation letting them know you love them and are aware of the significant date means so much. Important dates to remember include due dates, milestone marks (firsts, etc.), birth dates, angel dates and others.

• Be patient and show unconditional love. Grieving is physically and emotionally draining. I may not feel like answering phone calls or texts, attending gatherings or even appear grateful, but I am desperately grateful inside and need to know you care and think about me often. Grieving is a lonely road and I need your support and love at all times.

• Remember, the husband and children are grieving, too. Be sensitive that they are also walking the path of grief, often unacknowledged by others. Let them know you are aware of their loss and love them. Be supportive with how they choose to grieve and show their grief. Everyone grieves differently.

Don'ts...

• Don't compare losses or minimize the griever's loss in any way. There is no way to measure the love someone has for their loved one. The amount of time a baby is carried or a child lives is insignificant to the fact that they were and are deeply loved.

• Don't ask "How are you doing?" if you mean it as a greeting. The fact is, I am not okay and am torn when I have to answer this. I don't like being negative, but answering the greeting with "Fine." or "Good. How are you?" feels very untrue to myself and what I am going through.  Use this phrase only if you really want to hear how I am doing. And then be prepared to listen.

• Don't assume that the griever is doing fine if you catch them in a good moment. There are grief triggers everywhere. I can be feeling collected one minute and falling apart the next. A loss changes a person, and I can only move forward and learn how to live with the pain and reminders, with the hope that the pain will dull with time. Be patient when the tears fall, cry with me, and give lots of hugs.

• Don't use the words "I understand..." if you have never, yourself, experienced their type of loss. Even then, be very careful when using those words. Everyone's grief is unique and personal. Each of our own life experiences define the way we grieve and what we are feeling and thinking through the grief process.

• Don't assign a length of time a person should grieve. Grief is an interesting thing and has a mind of its own. It is not something that can be easily controlled or just turned off. A person can revisit the different stages of grief many times. From my own experience, be patient and I will take another step when I feel ready. Don't push me to do things before I feel comfortable.

• Don't be offended by the griever's behavior.  It may be very painful for the griever to be around certain things or attend certain events. Please do not take it personally. I have been emotionally traumatized. Let me come to you. Watch my lead. I may try to push away, or isolate myself. I am just trying to heal. I love you and will come around in time. When I do, acknowledge the step I am taking. Please be patient and do not give up on me. I need to know that you love me unconditionally and think about me often.