Angel

While finding some pajamas for Ellee to wear, I happened to pull out a familiar pair I hadn't seen for quite a few months. Kilee had worn them all the time when she was that age. I was so excited to see Ellee in them! I unfolded the pajamas and my heart stopped and sank. Sewn across the front was the word ANGEL. I immediately felt sick inside. I just sat there, stunned. My mind replayed my heartbreak. It's strange how one little word can instantly evoke so much emotion... beauty, joy, peace, pain. I could not bring myself to dress Ellee in something that labeled her an angel. Ellee is not an angel, and I check on her (and my other little ones) a few times in their sleep each night to make sure they are not. I tossed the pajamas on top of her dresser. They will be going in a bag.

I look at where I'm at, and how I've been changed. There is only a slight memory of the way I used to think and behave. Its strange that going through something like losing my baby would make me cringe at the sight and give away a pair of pajamas I once loved. How it changes me to where I will never dress my children in clothes that say Angel on them. And when describing a living baby I cannot say, "Oh, what an angel."- like I used to. It stands out every time I hear someone say that.

I wonder why, exactly...I'm still trying to figure that out. An "angel" means something different to me now, and I don't use that term lightly. An angel is someone precious, beautiful, and heavenly. But it also is connected to my deep anguish and heartbreak. I think I'm afraid that if I label someone an angel, they just might become one. I don't think I could go through that again. I wonder if this will pass with time and I will loosen up with the term angel, or if it is a permanent change. So until then, I treasure my beautiful angel, Tesslee, and I treasure my precious love bugs, Jeff, Kilee, Cade, and Ellee all so very much.

My Anger, Lifted

I've had so much going on in my head lately. This week was a rough one! My husband's parents came home from their mission this week because of a birth in the family. My mother-in-law is one of my best friends. It was so very bittersweet for me to have them here visiting, though, because earlier this year they were coming home in July for Tesslee's birth, too. And not having seen them for so long, this was something I had soooo been looking forward to for many months. Knowing they were coming home to see only one of the two grand babies was such a heart break for me. We had announced our pregnancies on the same day last Thanksgiving, and it has been such a difficult thing to drop out of that happiness. I skipped out on a few of the gatherings this week, it was just too much to bear.

I've been in such an angry place lately. So angry that I have not been able to pray. Well, I do, but I just find myself telling God how angry I am. So, I'm not sure that counts as praying. I haven't asked God for help, I haven't wanted any help. I've just been angry.

I told my husband how I wish I could talk to his mom now when I feel like I need her most, but I didn't think it was right to share with her what I'm going through emotionally lately, especially when she is a missionary. She doesn't need that. But he reminded me that of all people, she is probably the one I should be talking to because of the mantle she bears right now as a representative of Jesus Christ. I really felt like he was right. So she came over to have some much needed mother/daughter time.

I am sooo grateful she did! She walked in and brought such a wonderful spirit with her. After spending an hour sharing and crying together, I realized something. I had been telling her about all these thoughts that cross my mind a lot... how when I see a mother holding a baby the thought enters my mind, She did something right and her baby is here, you failed. or You weren't strong enough to get your baby here... or the rare time when I find the strength to hold a baby, I later feel like I betrayed Tesslee by holding the baby. When I get these thoughts, I know immediately that they are not true, but hearing them all the time wears on me, and I soon find myself heavy, full of guilt and sorrow.

As I was sharing this with her, I felt so strongly that these negative thoughts I've been having are the adversary and his followers playing on my circumstance, trying as hard as they can to whisper these untruths to me and drag me down so I will forget the beauty I've seen and felt while enduring this trial. They want me to fail. They want me to be depressed and lonely, and inconsolable. It made so much sense. My mom then shared her testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that my Savior has already experienced this deep pain, and bore it for me and if I will let Him, He will carry this heavy burden for me, through the power of the Atonement.

I felt immediate peace and warmth as she shared this, like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was this intense peace that instantly replaced the intense pain I had grown so used to. It felt so relieving and warm and happy all at the same time, and I knew it was true. I just needed to be reminded. She said that one of the Apostles recently visited her mission and shared with the missionaries how he keeps a picture of the Savior with him always, and when something comes up that he doesn't think he is strong enough to do, he pulls that picture of Jesus Christ out of his pocket and looks at it, and it gives him strength to do what is asked of him. My mom handed me a stack of pictures of the Savior, and told me to place them around the house and to carry one with me always, and when I feel like the burden is too great, pull out the picture and remember the way I feel right now. Jesus Christ will strengthen me, and will carry me through this.

I am so grateful that my mom was able to come home from her mission this week. I feel like it has blessed me so much, and her visit and strong testimony was just the reminder I needed this week. I feel so much stronger. I feel peace, and most of all, that anger I was growing so used too is gone and replaced with pure love.

I need my Savior. I can't do this alone. But I can do anything with Him by my side. And I'm beginning to realize that He is always here, ready, waiting for me to come to Him so that He can lift me up and carry this burden He already experienced for me, so long ago. I am and will always be forever grateful to my Savior.

Life

Today I took my 2 year old, Ellee, outside to get some fresh air. As we were sitting in the grass I was noticing so much all around me. The little blades of grass were so beautiful. The clouds moving slowly, the wind blowing on my face, the little stink bug crawling by. I saw life all around me. Now that Tesslee is gone, I am very aware of how fragile life is, and what a miracle it is.

 My 4 year old brought me a Roly Poly potato bug on his finger and I saw its legs kicking around and could not help but think about the little life it is living. How long will it be alive? Is it enjoying its little life? Does it have a soul? Is it aware of the miracle it is? I reminded Cade to be careful with it and let it live. Ellee came up and rested her hand on my shoulder. I thought about her little hand and all the joy she and each of my kids brings to me. This life is such a gift. Everywhere I turn there is life, living and breathing. It is a beautiful miracle. I am so blessed to be surrounded with this beauty.

My Game Plan

     What do you do on those hard days where you can't focus on anything except your baby...who is not with you? I am just so homesick to hold her again. I've been trying to stay busy around the house, wash bedding, do dishes, cook something, etc. but it doesn't stop my heart from feeling so heavy and weighed down. Does anything? I wonder if this is just one of those grief waves that hit and I just have to let it do its thing and ride it out. I usually feel better the next day. I sure hope so.

   Someone told me when you feel like you just can't go on, go and serve someone. Well, I want to serve an angel, then. I went and looked at fabrics tonight and decided that on these grief days I was going to bust out the sewing machine and make some little bitty diapers for angels to wear. The thought of making something for an angel seems to lift my heart a little. It is heartbreaking to see diapers that small knowing what they will be used for, but that was my most favorite thing Tesslee had on. I just couldn't get enough of her little legs in that tiny diaper. It just looked so cute on her. I printed out the diaper pattern and can't wait to get started. So this is my game plan: My grief days are not going to be wasted, unproductive hours. I will channel all that negative energy into making treasures for other angel moms. I feel better, already.

To Tesslee

     A couple days ago was my due date. I knew July would be difficult, but I felt pretty good and collected this morning. Grief hit me from behind tonight as I was reminded again of where I would be right now, what I would be doing, and who I would be cuddling had everything worked out how I expected it would. I just feel so homesick to hold my baby girl! After returning home from the hospital I wrote some thoughts down in my journal, and this is what it turned into...

To Tesslee

Oh, the agony of you Sleeping in my arms

Trying to memorize every one of your

perfect, little features

Knowing this is the only time these mortal eyes

will have with you, my precious child

 

I ache thinking what your little fingers will not hold

And long to hear your cry

It would be joyous music in this silent room

My heart breaks that the world

will not meet you, and love you as I do

A wave of comfort settles over me

as I gaze into your peaceful, still face

It tells me everything, silently

Assuring me, You are not Lost

You have a great mission elsewhere

This was the plan

And because of our Beautiful Savior

I will again hold you in my arms

 

So until then, my Little One, I will wait

With a promise to you

This gift I hold so dear in my heart

will keep me striving each day to live worthy

to be with you

until the day I cradle you in my arms again

 

I will see you in The Morning, my Tesslee

Love Forever, Mom

     I like reading this. It gives me comfort and reminds me of the feelings I had at Tesslee's birth.  One of the hard things about this trial for me is keeping an eternal perspective and pushing aside my motherly desires to be with my baby. It used to be a minutely struggle. Now it seems to be turning into an hourly struggle, so that is hopeful. I guess that means I am beginning to heal a little. 





Pleasant Surprise

     The kids and I went to visit Tesslee this afternoon and take her some flowers, eat watermelon with her, and explore the cemetery. When we pulled up I  noticed a new metal flower decoration was sticking in the ground next to her flowers. We walked over and admired it. My heart was bursting that someone would come and visit Tesslee on their own and give her such a beautiful little present. I've asked a few people, and they said it wasn't them. Whoever you are, that meant so much to this mama that my baby girl is loved and remembered by someone. Thank you, you made my whole entire day!!!

What Now?

     I'm feeling a little numb. There's not much left to be done. I have gotten all of Tesslee's pictures developed and my favorites framed and placed in their spots. We had her funeral last week (which has consumed me for some time now.) Tesslee's due date, which I've been dreading for months, was yesterday- and passed silently. We have most of her hospital bills taken care of, and have her beautiful stone designed and waiting. What now? I feel like so much is final and her brief chapter is wrapping up. But I am torn. Everything seems to be over now and I'm just left with all the broken places of my heart to deal with. Everyone is moving on and I'm stuck in a whirlpool with reality spinning all around me. Life seemed to stop in March, and I'm trying desperately to stay afloat and keep up with reality for my dear, little family who needs Mom back.

    That's when I came up with this idea to blog my journey. Actually, I'm sure Tesslee whispered it to me. Although I can't see her, I've felt her with me, often. She knows the struggles I've been left with, and knows me well. It's funny, I've never had a desire to blog before. But after visiting so many  angel moms' blogs trying to find something I can relate to, and also noticing how journal writing lifts some weight off my heart, I've decided to join the blogging community. So, here I go. I will be completely honest with my feelings. I won't sugar-coat anything, but I won't leave out the sweet stuff when I find it, either. I hope that I can be my own personal therapist here and figure out my new normal.

                          ...Thank you, Tesslee, Honey, for looking out for your mom and giving me this idea! I'm excited to start this journey!