Merry Christmas

Tesslee and Vick,

We have missed you so much this first year! Although we wish you were here with us, it must be amazing experiencing Christmas with the angels. You two are in my heart. xoxo

Love Always,

Mom

Tesslee Bear

November 5, 2012

 

A lot of angel moms are getting their long-awaited Molly Bears. Over the last few days I've seen pictures of many of the darling teddy bears that are made specifically for your angel, personalized even down to his/her weight. From what I've heard, the waiting list has been around a year long, so I can imagine the surprise and excitement of receiving it randomly out of the blue and the sweetness of feeling the exact weight in your arms once again. What a treasured service for angel families!

 

This got me thinking about what our Tesslee's Molly Bear would be like. It would be such a gift to receive one with her same exact weight... We have our Tesslee Bear, who has grown into a family member to us. We take her on vacation, the kids are always fighting who gets to sleep with her, and we match her outfit with the girls' when we get family pictures done. If we can't have our Tesslee with us, the next best thing is her teddy bear to represent her. Tesslee Bear has helped to tangibly fill the hole in our family during those bitter, almost unbearable moments when it hits that someone we love is missing. She fills my empty arms. I love that bear! 

 

After spending a long time day dreaming whether or not I wanted to request a Molly Bear, I decided I just couldn't do it. No, Tesslee Bear will never be "replaced." I was curious, however, about her weight. That's the one thing that would make her extra special, if she was the same weight as Tesslee's tiny 6 ounces. Curiosity got the best of me. I grabbed our food scale and placed Tesslee Bear on it. I could not believe my eyes!.................. It read 6 ounces! How is it done that the little, trivial things which are completely insignificant to many, but would mean so much to me seem to be taken care of? I know my Heavenly Father sends me these little gifts to tell me He loves me. Tesslee Bear has always been cherished, and now even more so.

 

 

Tender Mercy Part 3

 

 

I received a package in the mail today. The card read:

 

Dear Sara,

This little angel needs to be yours. I sold these over 20 years ago in a little shop I had. Over the years I've given others away. It cannot be just sheer coincidence that the last one was a "purple" one... I hope you will be able to find some small comfort in her beauty & sweetness as a reminder of Tesslee!

With much love,

Lisa Brothers

 

 

I feel like I've just received an angel kiss from my Tesslee! I know she loves purple. What another tender mercy! Thank you, Lisa. This angel will always remind me of the little things God does to show me He knows.

Tender Mercy Part 2

This is an experience that proves to me that Heavenly Father has sprinkled tender mercies all throughout my life- some being in the works for many years. Thank you, Lisa, for allowing me to share this beautiful experience exactly as it unfolded before my eyes. To read Tender Mercy, (which is Part 1), click here.

In September I received this email, some weeks after I posted Tender Mercy:


I am new at the computer, so if you get this Sara, it will be a
miracle. My name is Lisandra Brothers and I wrote the Ensign Article,
"My Mission Was Cut Short." I wrote it over three years ago after
being prompted one morning upon getting out of bed. It came as one
huge clear thought, where in just seconds, I was shone what I should
write and to who. The article was accepted quickly with a cover
letter that told me it would be published in a year or less. A year
came and went and it wasn't published, so I thought it would never be
published and so forgot about it. Then in December of 2011, I was
informed it would be published in the Easter edition of the Ensign
2012. I can see now how important that timing of the Lord was. If it
had been published any earlier, you may never have received the
comfort from the words of my great Aunt Adella's mission president.
When the church published this, they changed the title to reach
returned missionaries who had come home early. As I write this, I can
see that Tesslee is also a missionary returned to her Heavenly Father.
She will have many things to report of her short time on earth. But
mainly, she will be able to report that her earthly parents loved her
very much, that they wanted her to live so badly, and that they
applied great faith in Heavenly Father's wisdom upon her return. It is
an amazing thing you've been through and I also believe that she is
helping you from the other side. Thanks for blogging. Love, Lisandra
(Lisa) Brothers


I was so grateful for this email. I remember it came on a really hard day, and I felt like it was a reminder sent from Heavenly Father that he knew I was struggling and this would give me some peace. I thought about the timing, Like Lisa had said, I knew there was no coincidence in it. I am in awe that experiences in Lisa's great aunt Adelle's history so many years ago, were recorded with me and my own future trials connected somehow. Also, I find it so interesting that certain words were changed, knowing they would catch my eye during specific moments of desperation. I became curious how Lisa was lead to my blog. I wrote her back, thanked her for sharing this history with me and asked her how she came across my blog. This was her reply:


Dear Sara,

One night, I had the strongest impression to Google my own name. I am new to the computer, and it was not something I was accustomed to doing. It was quite late, nearing midnight, as I did so. I came across many entries, but when I came to My Tesslee Treasure I wondered if it was a blog about my Ensign article. As I read your "Tender Mercy" entry, I wept. Huge tears fell down and covered the front of my pajamas. I had wanted to tell you of my initial reaction to your blog last time I e-mailed, but it slipped my mind as I was writing you about the timing of the article. But to me, the emotional reaction I had to your loss and your pain was significant. I have never married and have never had a child, so you would think I could not relate to your loss. But, it is exactly in the loss of children and marriage that I am able to feel for your loss. I have no problem with you sharing my e-mails on your blog. If ever I write you something that I feel shouldn't be shared, I will let you know. I hope you will be able to continue to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost as you work your way through this horrible loss. Mourning is something understood and allowed by the Lord. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. It has been through the sorrows of my life that I have been able to become closer to and more acquainted with him. I just don't believe you can draw really close to him without undergoing sorrow. It is by needing Him that we get to know Him. Because you need Him, you will come to understand Him and what He has given you. It is the silver lining to such a horrible loss. Don't worry too much about your need to mourn for however long. The Lord will help you. He knows you perfectly and therefore knows just exactly all timing, including the timing of mourning for you. Keep up your good work of working through your pain with Him. Love, Lisa Brothers

 

What was clear to me before, was solidified now on finding out the intricate details of this experience. I knew I had to share this on my blog. It has been one of my Tesslee Treasures. I am so grateful for Lisa and her willingness to search me out and let me know of the details that had been perfectly laid in place just for me.

 

I've also pondered how Heavenly Father has grown to know He can trust Lisa with promptings, using her as a tool to help someone in need, knowing she has the courage to reach out to even a perfect stranger, offering support and compassion. I want to be this way. I want Heavenly Father to know He can count on me to be His hands. This experience has made such an impact on my life. I've been able to lean on this tender mercy many times throughout my grieving process.

I am confident that all of us have been blessed with tender mercies. If we become aware to them, we will find that they are all around us, carefully prepared and placed as reminders of how perfect our Heavenly Father knows and deeply loves each one of us.

How to Make a Grieving Mother Happy

Today I went out to get the mail. There were two cards, nothing that unusual for the season. I assumed they were Christmas cards. They were both from two very special "sisters" I grew up with. I opened them and was surprised to find, not Christmas cards, but "Thinking of You" cards. They each had beautiful handwritten messages, both with checks written out for me to buy fabric for Teeny Tears diapers in memory of my Tesslee and Vick. I cannot think of a better way to show compassion, love and support in mourning than to make such thoughtful donations to an organization that has my whole heart. If Tesslee was here, she would definitely be keeping me busy. Since she's not, I've made a point to busy myself clothing her angel friends that will soon be joining her and offering a keepsake for their families to treasure. It's a way I feel close to my angel babies. So, thank you dear friends for capturing how important these diapers are to me! It lifted my heart that you would find such a meaningful way to show that you care. I am positive that your donation will make a huge impact on the lives of many future angel families. And this makes me so happy.

Surviving

The last 24 hours were filled to the brim with emotion. I cried myself to sleep last night, just so hurt and missing my babies so much. In my sleep I dreamed that everyone in my family went on an outing together. We had been planning for a while. We arrived and went on a path in a cave deep in the earth. We were each able to pick out a treasure to take home. Everyone chose their own unique, beautiful rock. It was so hard to choose. All the rocks were so colorful and glittery. When we got home, we all compared our rocks. It was so exciting to see everyone's special treasure and everyone was so excited to show off the one they had. When my turn came, my glittering rock was nowhere to be found. It was gone, it had disappeared somewhere along the way home. I was devastated. I wanted to show everyone how shiny and beautiful mine was too but didn't have it with me. No one noticed, though. They all had their own special rock to hold that made them happy. I was so puzzled and couldn't figure out what had happened to my rock. It was just gone.

I broke down again in the shower. I've found its the best place to cry. The steam minimizes the evidence of crying. I'm just so tired of holding it together, pretending that I'm okay. Its lonely not having anyone to talk to about Baby Vic's pregnancy. Its hard to accept that his little life is over and done and I am the only one who notices that he is not here. I have only the positive pregnancy stick to prove he existed. How did that happen? How could I have 4 flawless pregnancies, a random cord accident stillbirth of another healthy baby, and then a miscarriage? I'm struggling with the whys and hows and was it my fault? What did I do wrong, am I to blame? What didn't I learn the first time around? Its all so much to take in emotionally, to let these pregnancies just slip away. My faith in pregnancy is lost.

I am trying to figure out all these emotions while carrying on. I was looking in our medicine cupboard for something this afternoon and came across these:

Mike hid them from me when we got home from the hospital. It brought back so many emotions... I had just gotten that big bottle of prenatal vitamins refilled, just in time to find out I wouldn't need a single one any longer.  And there's only 2 more promethazines left in the bottle... I recall just how non functioning I was a year ago. I so wish these prescriptions could've been used up.

Ellee pulled out Tesslee's clothes tonight and wanted to see her little diaper and hold her outfit. I watched the girls unwrap Tesslee's blanket.

I wish I had unwrapped Tesslee's blanket. I wish I had been the one to dress her. I wish I had had my kids come hold their baby sister as soon as she was born, so they could've seen how perfect she was. I wish I didn't care what the nurses had told me about how delicate and fragile her body was. She was dead. What was I afraid of? Its not like I would've hurt her. I wish I turned her over and spent every single second looking at her, the only seconds I would have with her.

The holidays are hard. I am so not there emotionally to celebrate or see all the excitement and merryment. I am struggling with a thankful heart and the 'reason for the season.' I am just trying to get us through it all. I miss Tess so much. I miss being pregnant with Baby Vic so much. I can't wait for this year to be over. There is such heartache at what seems like every turn. I'm weary of trusting and being let down. This year has shaken me to the core. I wish I would've known when we were naively watching Ellee lay in her hospital bed to take it all in and get a good look because I would be broken down to nothing the next two pregnancies. I'm going to bed. It feels good to get this out. Hopefully tomorrow I can start fresh and whole and won't feel so raw.

Miracle

I had another miracle happen that I am so very grateful for. I had a strong feeling a few weeks ago on a Saturday that I needed to get family pictures done as soon as possible. I checked the photographer's schedule and became discouraged that there was one cancellation appointment available for Monday morning, otherwise it was booked out thru mid December. I felt so strongly that I needed to take that Monday appointment and pull family pictures together at the last minute. (That is normally not me. I'm a planner and like plenty of time to make every detail perfect and stress over it.) I surprised myself by booking the appointment, raced to the store to find coordinating outfits for everyone, and ran and got my hair cut all in about three hours. I had no idea what my drive was, but knew I needed to.

Later on that weekend the feeling hit me a couple times that I would miscarry. I dismissed that thought. But as Monday morning came I began lightly cramping and spotting. I felt again I would miscarry. In between phone calls with the nurses and a first prenatal visit, we got our family pictures taken. As soon as we were finished we ran to the hospital and saw our baby on ultrasound. The doctor said everything looked normal and not to lose hope. I got blood work done and came back home. I miscarried the next morning.

I am soooo grateful to have our family pictures! These are the only pictures we have all together with Baby Vic in my tummy. I know I was prompted to get these pictures done in that tiny window of time. I am sure that whomever canceled their Monday morning session was inspired to do so. I am in awe that all these pieces fit intricately together. I see it as a gift from my Heavenly Father who already knew how important that family picture would be to me. This same thing happened a year ago when we were prompted to get family pictures when I was pregnant with Tesslee, too.

*One other special side note, I wondered how sensitive the photographer would be about us incorporating Tesslee Bear into our pictures. The photographer pulled me aside in the middle of the shoot and said how much she loved that we have a Tesslee Bear for our daughter. She shared that her mother passed away when she was young and they always try to include something that represents her mother in their family pictures too. I felt like that was another tiny detail that was no coincidence.*

The more I look for tender mercies in my life, the more I find them.

 

 

The Holidays

I've noticed I've been doing a lot of self-talk lately. This must be a mechanism to get myself through the holidays. I just found myself saying:

I didn't lose two babies. I gained two angels... I didn't lose two babies. I gained two angels... And really, putting all my grief and anger and hurt aside, who wouldn't want an angel or two in their family? There have been times I have felt Heaven, literally, so thick around me. It has melted my sorrow away and I have just sat basking in the spirit, taking it all in and not wanting it to ever leave me.

I need to hold on to these thoughts if I am going to make it through the holidays. So I am just going to continue saying to myself I didn't lose two babies, I gained two angels.


Father, please help me through this.