Wounds

**I feel very vulnerable sharing my weakness in this post. Please know it is not intended to hurt feelings. This blog is my safe place to release my pain and help myself work through my grief.**

A few weeks ago, I sliced my toenail halfway down really deep on a water slide. It was so painful. I couldn't wear a shoe for quite a while. I was grateful it was summer and flip-flops were my regular foot attire. After I bandaged it, I noticed right away how many times my kids step on my toes, how many times I kneel and put pressure on the tops of my feet, how many times the muscle in my toes flex when I walk, and how much air goes whooshing over my toes. Every single thing I did was so painful! And all the little things that happen to feet that normally go completely unnoticed were extremely magnified. I became painfully aware of something I had never noticed before. After avoiding shoes, running, and carefully choosing what I exposed my toe to, the cut was able to close and begin to heal. I am still careful with my toe, and the toenail will need time to regrow, but it is making progress, and isn't as painful as it first was.

I have another deep wound. My heart is broken and hurts every minute of every day. And everywhere I go, there are conversations, and reminders that bump and rip open the scab that is forming on my wounded heart. The amount of times that pregnancy and babies come up in conversation goes unnoticed until it is something you are sensitive to. Like with my toe, I am astonished at how even the air whooshing by, can sometimes be a painful reminder on my open wound. Clarifying this, it doesn't cause me pain to talk about my baby. And I love to hear others say her name. Sadly, she is not spoken of enough. Being around very pregnant women and babies is what often stirs up emotion.

I am angry that I had to carry and give birth to a precious baby I don't get to raise. I loved her so much and wanted her to live so badly!!! I feel so cheated!!! Its so hard to go to activities with so many babies around and not have my baby in my arms. It's so hard to be left out of that when I gave birth to a baby, too. I see new moms enjoying and showing off their babies, snuggling them, and I just want to scream; I am really struggling right now with having empty arms. I can go home and squeeze and pretend to burp Tesslee Bear, or wrap my Ellee up, cradle and rock her all I can, but it doesn't stop the pain. I miss my baby girl so much!

It's very difficult for me to be around people who have not grieved the loss of a baby, yet have such high expectations of me. It's hard for me to be around people who do not ask how I'm doing anymore, because it's been long enough in their terms. Or those who ask, but don't really have the time to listen as I answer their question. I've noticed that I am beginning to withdraw from those I don't feel completely support me. I need unconditional love right now, I need acceptance. I need to know that even in my weakest moments, when I feel too weak to be around what was ripped from me, that it is alright, I am still loved, and I am enough- just as I am. I need to know that I can have all the time it takes to heal my heart.

Dream

Last night I had a dream. In it was our white crib, all set up and ready for baby. I was so excited to see it, picture perfect, just as every mother imagines her new baby's bed to be. I peered inside. To my horror it was filled with mud. Mud was everywhere, all over the beautiful, clean, blankets. I began frantically trying to clean it up. No matter how hard I scrubbed, the mud came back and filled the crib even more. The blankets were stained and dirty. I woke up frightened, my heart racing. I sat in bed, thinking, even in my dreams I can't escape it. How do I heal these deep, emotional wounds? This is something I need to figure out.

Emotional

I am supposed to be taking a test right now for my Economics class, but there is no way I can focus on that when my heart hurts like this. I'm not sure what I will end up writing, but I'm going to type my pain away so I can get a good grade on my test.
 
I am so weary of having such strong emotions at any given time! Mostly anger, anger like I've never felt before. The kind that has to destroy something. I wish I had a punching bag or had a room I could lock myself in and kick and throw stuff and cry my eyes out until I felt better.

I wish I was stronger, that I wouldn't feel like that, I wish that I could just accept and be at peace that my baby is not going to be with us. I wish I could hold my baby again. I miss her so much. I miss that whole little life. I'm so glad Ellee let me wrap her in a blanket and rock her while I sang a lullaby. It feels good to hold my Ellee in my arms like a baby, although she barely fits. I close my eyes and kiss her sweet knuckles. I dream what it would be like to kiss Tesslee's.

I wish I could stay in my house forever with my family and laugh and play games and watch movies and never leave. I hate that I have to prepare my mind whenever I leave my house and hope I am strong enough to get through all the stings that prick my heart in a single trip to the grocery store.

I look at Mike and the kids and desperately hope that I have another day with each of them. I love them so much. They could be taken away in a second. I have been blessed to have so much time with each of them. Not enough, though. There is no "It always happens to someone else" anymore. We have become that someone else, and I'm scared there is more to come.

I'm so sick of people wondering why I am having hard days, like I'm really going to be over my child dying or something. I'm sick of people implying that since my baby wasn't full-term it shouldn't hurt as much, ... like she was any less loved than my other kids? Seriously? A premature baby is just as loved as any other child. A child is a child. I love each of my children with all my heart, and I will never get over my sweet baby dying. Ever. I know people mean well, I have to remind myself they just don't know.

Its so hard to feel anger, sadness, peace, gratitude, love, more anger, numbness, shock, fierce anger, desperation, fear, loneliness, and heartache continually, while being expected to function normally and laugh and carry on conversations and pretend I'm not dead inside. A part of me died with my baby. I'm trying to work my way through and be at peace with not having Tesslee with us. This is definitely a journey.

It's really hard for me to watch the world keep on going like nothing ever happened, when my heart feels so stunned. I feel so shaken. There is a deep void in my heart. It's been six months.

How long am I going to feel like this? Is this normal for a grieving mom? I wonder. Its hard for me to feel like such a continual nut case! I used to be on top of things.

We took a much needed drive up the canyon the other evening. It was so refreshing to leave all my emotions in the valley and walk through nature and enjoy the beautiful mountain peaks and the fall leaves and crisp air. I could not believe how vibrant the colors are this year! I wish we could've stayed up there. It was so refreshing to get away.

Ok, now I'm going to go take my test.

Aware

It's been an emotional few days. The pain of others jumps out at me. It is everywhere. I watched a mother cat as she tried to protect her kitten, but could not. I noticed how concerned she was for her baby's safety. I know that pain. My heart broke... I layed awake thinking of the angel mom giving birth to her second angel the other night. I hurt for her... I am aware of the pain of living daily as the odd one out. There are many, in many different situations who feel lonely, too... I could barely get through a chapter in Economics that discussed the pregnancies of slave mothers. 35% ended in miscarriage or stillbirth. I read that statistic over and over again, and my heart was ripped out. I cannot imagine the pain these women silently endured... The friend who is battling breast cancer, and now brain cancer... The child uncomfortable at school because they were made fun of... The struggling families we are collecting cans of food for...

I look "normal" on the outside, but inside I am fragile. How many people I come in contact with each day are faking smiles and trying so hard to keep it together, too? For all of you, my heart breaks. I cry at night for you. I am with you, I wish you did not have to suffer. If only I could ease your pain.

Going through this has made me a better person. I thought I had compassion before losing Tesslee. But having to fight every minute to stay afloat for months is forging an understanding of compassion I could never have developed otherwise. I am grateful for this gift. While I continue to battle my emotions daily and learn to accept a different life plan than what I had in mind, I am hopeful that Heavenly Father has an even greater plan for me than I could ever have imagined. That is the plan I want for my life, and I am on my way.

 "Shew me thy ways, O Lord;

teach me thy paths.

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:

for thou are the God of my salvation,

on thee do I wait all the day."

                                            

                                             - Psalms 25: 4-5

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months without Tesslee, and this milestone brought with it a range of emotions. Its hard not to think what I should be doing right now... propping pillows behind her back as she begins to sit on her own, enjoying the attention everyone just can't help but give her, and lugging her car seat around everywhere I go. I'm desperately trying to keep my mind from wandering. But as it continually happens, I take a deep breath, and try to bury it in my thoughts...again. Curse you, Life, for leaving my baby behind! It seems like only yesterday, but it has already been a half a year, a half a year.

I'm very torn inside. I don't want my human-ness and grief to define her milestones. I really wanted this day to be a celebration of where Tesslee is right now, that she's been in a beautiful place for six months. That she is not sad, and is not my baby waiting around in Heaven for me to hold her. I know she is very busy in a glorious place, a place she would never wish to leave.

 It's hard to experience all of these emotions and thoughts in the same day, in the same minute. I knew that I needed to be kind to myself, so I bought myself a remembrance candle, one that reminded me of Tess. Having a flame burning in her honor brought a lot of warmth to my soul as I watched it dance and glow for my angel.

I have been very blessed to have such a supportive family, and this blog has helped me to remember that. I seem to forget it quickly. Yesterday family surprised me, again, by showing so much compassion and sensitivity to what I might be going through.

My sisters got together earlier in the week and planned a special dinner for our family, incorporating all of our favorite foods together into one meal- so creative. BBQ chicken, potato bar, sushi, lasagna, grilled cheese sandwiches, broccoli, and fruit snacks, complete with bubblegum-flavored cupcakes (fabulous!) and bubblegum ice cream for dessert, in honor of Tesslee's bubblegum addiction.

It was so very sweet of them to treat our family to such a yummy, thoughtful dinner. And they were so right, cooking dinner was far from my mind. To have each of our favorite foods represented was such a fun way to eat a meal. It really turned it into a celebration and a fun memory. Afterward, we spent some time with Tesslee and took her flowers and a note.

Acknowledging this milestone more as a 1/2 birthday really helped me get through what could've been a really hard day. After I got home, I checked my email, and found that my brother had written me a beautiful message acknowledging Tesslee's six month mark, and the special angel she is to our family. He also mentioned that Adeline, Tesslee's baby cousin, wore purple today just for Tess. It meant so much to me!

I went to bed feeling at peace and very grateful for the beautiful angel in my life, as well as the wonderful, caring family I have. A big Thank You to all my brothers and sisters for helping me through this milestone.

Tesslee's Trunk

I have been on a search for some time now to find the perfect trunk to store Tesslee's possessions in. For half a year, I've had all her baby items and mementos sitting in the crib and on the changing table, next to my bed. And I had purposely left them there, exactly how they were placed, until the time I was ready to put them away. When I mean put them away, I mean save them for her in a very special place until the Millennium, when she can use them.

Well, I am happy to say that last weekend Mike and I found the perfect trunk. And we weren't even looking for it, at the time. It just jumped out at me. I really think Tesslee knew I was looking for a trunk for her, and led us to a beautiful one she liked.

We were on a date, and decided to spend some time at the Temple. It was on the way there, I happened to notice an Antiques sale by the side of the road. As we passed by, my eyes fell on two beautiful, painted trunks, in different sizes, just sitting there waiting for me. There was something about the trunks. I begged Mike to turn around.

We got out of the car, and after examining them, I just knew one was Tesslee's. We talked to the seller, who mentioned there was a third, smaller trunk around somewhere, and quickly found it for us. We looked at each other and instantly thought the same thing: three matching trunks for our three daughters. We bought them, and went on to enjoy a wonderful morning at the Temple.

The girls' trunks are beautiful! They are faded and worn in places, and painted on the tops and sides with scenes of flowers and birds. I am loving them. Kilee and Ellee are so excited to have their own trunk that matches their sister, Tesslee's.

I was especially excited when Mike found the perfect spot to keep Tesslee's trunk. In my mind, I always saw it tucked somewhere in a corner of our bedroom. Mike wanted it in our family room, and I love having it there! It's so comforting when we are all hanging out together and I see her trunk sitting there with us. Tesslee will always be a part of our family, and has a trunk filled with her things ready and waiting for her when she needs them, whenever that happy day arrives.

For You

Dear Tesslee,

I know you've seen me blogging a lot, lately. And I still have so much in my head right now. I've noticed that on the days I hurt the most, I spend a lot of time in my blog. Well, I was reading back on a previous post, and a very strong thought came to me as I read:

     "...Holding and cuddling your new little child makes up for any amount of pain a mother goes through, throughout pregnancy and the birth process. With previous births, I remember thinking in moments of discomfort, Cuddling you in my arms, right now, makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat just to be in this moment cuddling with you, my precious baby..."

As I read those words, it hit me, that I would do anything for you, for any one of my children, anything at all. I would gladly take on any amount of pain or suffering, for any amount of time without giving it a second thought. Then, why has it not occurred to me before now that I am doing just that? Would it not make sense that this is what I agreed to do, so long ago? I know that Heaven could only spare you for 21 weeks, earthly time. That was all the time you needed with your precious gift, your body. And then you were on to grander assignments. I don't remember, but I'm sure I was involved in and agreed to your life plan, and am sure that this feeling of fierce love played a part in my decision to be your mother here, and go through this. I think that I knew, at one time, that you would be carrying on with your own responsibilities far sooner than I would be ready to send you off. But if this was how it was supposed to be, which I know it was, I would go through anything for you.

I will always remember the expression on your face as I held you for the first time. You were so confident, so wise, so peaceful and serene. There were no words needed in our conversation. I trusted you and knew, as I gazed into your face, that this was always your plan. You knew it, and let my heart know it, too.

And so, here I am, six months later, typing away my emotions, and trying to pick up the pieces to my broken heart, struggling daily with the pain of losing you. My sweet Tesslee, I just want you to know, that for you, my child, I would go through this. Knowing you, feeling you, and experiencing glimpses of Heaven with you makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat, just because I love you and support you, my precious angel.

Love Always,
Mom

Our Special Day

Today was one of those days I will cherish forever. We got the phone call that the cement around Tesslee's headstone was ready to pour if we were able to come up and place our hands in the concrete today. To say we were excited would be an understatement! We checked the kids out of school, canceled soccer practice, and headed up to Salt Lake. I was pretty nervous. I wanted Tesslee's headstone to turn out just right, and didn't know exactly what to expect.

When we arrived, the kind, older man took us around back into an old shed, where a few rows of wet, concrete headstones were drying. Talk about nerve-wracking bringing four young children to tip-toe between the wet headstones! As I walked through them, I couldn't help but think about each of them individually, and the families who so carefully designed them in honor of their loved one. Like us, I'm sure they think about it everyday, and are waiting patiently, so excited to have the final project! I felt blessed that my little family was able to see a part of this process that, I think, is rarely experienced.

 Jefferson went first, and his turned out perfectly! (I love having a bold son who is not afraid to be the first.) I feel just awful that I didn't get a picture of him placing his hand into the concrete. But, here is his print...

...Kilee was next...

 

 

...followed by Caden...

 

 

 

 

...then Ellee...

 

 

 

 

 ...Mike was after...

  

 

 

 

..then it was my turn...

 

 

 

 

We love how it turned out, and can hardly wait to see it dry and in place!

 

 

 

 

 

When we finished, we took a few minutes and walked through the rows and rows of headstones that were on display in the front yard area. It was fun seeing the kids so excited over the different monument styles. We all pointed out the headstones we wanted. All at once, this overwhelming feeling settled around us. My heartache vanished, and the space around me felt thick with a peaceful strength. I felt Tesslee next to me. She let me know she is aware of what our family does, and that she enjoyed the afternoon with us. We walked across the street together, and got into the car. My heart was overflowing with happiness as I could feel that our family was all together. I will treasure this day, always. 

 

 

 

 

 

A Safe Place

For months I've been longing to pack up my little family and leave to a safe place. A place where no one talks of babies. A place where moms do not complain loudly how uncomfortable it is being pregnant, a place free of car seats and strollers, bouncers and diaper bags, piercing cries, baby showers and joyful birth announcements. How did I ever become so broken? I am desperate to find a place I can relearn how to take care of my family. A place my husband can find his wife. A place my precious children can get their mom back. A place I can recapture myself and my goals. Where is this island I dream of? There has to be neutral ground somewhere. I can't be the first one in search of it.

Ellee

When we arrived home from the hospital, the magnitude of what had happened began to set in. It was as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest with every beat. There are no words that can describe the anguish of not having your baby with you to mask the pains associated with giving birth. Holding and cuddling your new little child makes up for any amount of pain a mother goes through, throughout pregnancy and the birth process. With previous births, I remember thinking in moments of discomfort, Cuddling you in my arms, right now, makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat just to be in this moment cuddling with you, my precious baby. But when your arms are empty, and your baby you worked so hard for and loved so deeply is not there -nor will ever be there to cuddle, when you are left to continue on in the final stages of the birthing process alone, and your body is bruised and screaming- You just gave birth!...You have not fed your baby yet!!..Now feed your baby!!! -that is a physical and emotional pain so deep, there are no words.

It was in that anguish, I layed awake in the early-morning hours, beside the empty crib, longing to be up feeding my baby. Instead, laying in the silence, alone and broken-hearted, I heard little feet pit-patting across the kitchen floor and into our room. Ellee shuffled groggily over to my side, climbed into bed with me, gave me a gentle kiss, and began singing I Am a Child of God. Hearing her sweet little voice in the dark instantly brought calmness into my heart. I squeezed Ellee tight, cuddled her, and basked in the peace of knowing, without a doubt, Tesslee was aware of my desperation, and had sent Ellee in to physically comfort me and fill my aching, empty arms.         

  A few days ago I was sitting on the floor watching Tesslee's video. Ellee sat down beside me and began watching, too. After a few minutes I became teary-eyed. She stood up, pressed my face to her chest and kissed my forehead so tenderly, holding me close as she patted my back. It was not the hug of a two-year-old. It was as if Ellee knew just what to do to comfort me. This has happened many times since Tesslee passed.

I feel so strongly that Ellee was given specific gifts to be able to comfort me. At one point I feared that she would be too young to remember anything about Tesslee, but have come to understand that Ellee and Tesslee have quite a sisterly relationship, and Ellee is playing an important role. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father looks out for my needs as a mother and has blessed me with my precious Ellee who gives me extra love in place of her little sister who is busy right now.

Thankful

This has been such a rough couple of days to say the least. I'm heartsick that Fall is approaching. It just brings up a whole new range of emotions. Thanksgiving is going to be a tough season to get through. It was last November that Tesslee arrived here with our family. I say arrived because my insight on when a baby joins a family has completely changed. And it was Thanksgiving Day that we so excitedly announced her, still innocent and assuming that being pregnant meant you will be bringing your baby home with you. Thanksgiving used to be my very. favorite. holiday. I wonder what this will do to it. I ate a piece of pumpkin pie tonight, and my heart dropped. Its flavor brought back all those feelings I had the last time I ate pumpkin pie, of trying to get myself through the sickness, with the happy thoughts of seeing all our family together next year for Baby's first Christmas. What a sickening feeling now. And I hate feeling like this. I'm so done with feeling broken!!!! I've been soul-searching all week how I can get myself out of this. I decided I am going to be thankful. So here is my list of thank yous (in chronological order) that I desperately hope can get my mind in a better place.

**Thank you, Mike, for loving me unconditionally, for sharing all the moments -the beautiful and the unspeakably painful- of this experience, every step of the way. And for being patient with me through all my tears, anger and grief.**

Thank you, little Blakeley, for coming early, and bringing our parents home from their mission to visit. I have no doubt that you knew Tesslee's plan and knew we would need them here.

Thank you, Mom, for dropping everything and driving me home after we got the news. Thank you for being my mom through all of this from the very beginning.

Thank you, Mom Renee, for finishing Tesslee's baby blanket for me, for crying with me, and loving me when I am weak. Thank you Elder and Sister Sherwood for your thoughts, prayers and texts, through all of this.

Thank you, Bishop, for meeting with us the evening we found out Tesslee had passed away. Thank you for your wise counsel, and your continued support and time. Thank you for being there at Tesslee's service. That meant a lot to me.

Thank you, Dad, for letting my cry in your arms that night.

Thank you, Jenny, for being my nurse and staying with us on the hardest night of my life. Your friendship was no less than a tender mercy and much needed distraction and comfort.

Thank you, Jordan Valley Hospital, for giving me a good experience. Thank you for having a bereavement plan in place. I have become aware of many hospitals that don't, which makes me even more grateful.

**Thank you to my Heavenly Father, for allowing me to have such a beautiful birth experience.**

Thank you, Bella Baby Photography, for the precious photos of Tesslee.

Thank you, Heidi with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, for editing my photos and putting together our precious slide show DVD. Thank you for hosting sewing days every month. I have found much comfort there.

Thank you, Brea, Kate, Mom and Dad, and Mom Renee, for coming to meet Tesslee. It meant so much to me that you would come to see our daughter. If I've left out anyone, I'm sorry, I was in shock and don't recall at the moment, but thank you, as well.

Thank you, Kate, for asking if you could hold Tesslee twice. I will never forget that. It meant so much to me.

Thank you, Lenae, our chaplain at the hospital, for your love, insight, and counseling. For taking the sweet molds of Tesslee's hands and feet, and for caring for Tesslee so tenderly after we said our goodbyes and left her with you.

Thank you, Clint and Courtney, for staying with me the first time Mike and the kids left me alone. Thank you, Clint, for all the tender hugs when I've broken down.

Thank you, Aunt Linda, for carrying me through a particularly difficult time. Thank you for being in my corner, thank you for letting me cry hard on your shoulder, thank you for sincerely listening  and asking questions and for saying, "I'm so sorry for all of our loss." Thank you for our talks on spiritual matters. Thank you for teaching me how to take care of myself when I am in survival mode. Thank you for taking me to Women's Conference. Thank you for following the Spirit and being aware of my needs. Thank you, Elizabeth, for your uplifting personality and kindness.

Thank you, Shawnie, for the beautiful package that lifted my spirits at the exact right time. Thank you for incorporating Tesslee into our scrapbook, and for your constant support and sisterhood.

Thank you, Mom, Dad and Em for reading Gone Too Soon, just to try to understand a little where I am now.

Thank you, Teeny Tears, for creating the diaper organization that has brought me so much peace on my hard days. 

Thank you, Sarah, for all the meals, watching kids, listening ear, hugs, and help with Tesslee's luncheon in planning and making it so special. Thank you for remembering that Tesslee loved bubblegum and incorporating that into her luncheon, as well as the continuous check ups to see how I am handling things. You have made my burdens light.

Thank you, Em, for always being there for me at my very worst. For the shoulder to cry on day after day, for the continued sensitivity to my tender state of mind, for the breakfast that showed up on my door the first Memorial Day without my baby, for patiently listening while I vent my anger, and everything else in between.

Thank you, Brea, for cleaning up the kitchen and putting the food away after the luncheon, when I was too emotionally drained to even think about it. Thank you for the many times you have brought Tesslee up in conversation (by name) and have included her as one of the cousins, and for your grief support, pizza on the doorstep, etc. You are truly compassionate.

Thank you, Courtney and Kate, for being patient and understanding with me throughout the remainder of your pregnancies. I know the circumstance created much awkwardness, and I appreciate your continued support, even now. Thank you, sisters.

Thank you, family, for wearing purple for Tesslee and coming to her service. Your support meant the world to us.

Thank you, Heather, for being close to the Spirit to know my needs so often. Thank you for putting your arm around me and for all the hugs and genuine sisterhood when I broke down every Relief Society lesson those raw first few months. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for opening the binder to the roll for me. That gesture alone let me know God knows my heart and thoughts. Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you, Angel Moms, for your empathy and support, and friendship through all of this. I am so comforted to have you all to turn to when my grief consumes me.

Thank you, Laura, Julie, and Christy, for reaching out to me, and letting me know that I will get through this, and there is happiness still to be had.

Thank you, Jaimi and Trevor, for bringing Tesslee a purple night light at her grave. It means so much to me that you would think of her and visit her. Thank you, Jaimi, for checking up on me and keeping me in your thoughts.

Mom, thank you for keeping Tesslee's grave in full bloom and visitng her often. It makes my heart happy to see flowers there regularly.

I am exhausted now, but my heart is feeling lighter than it has in a long time. After writing this down, I can see that I have a lot of support, and have been so blessed. I know there are many more thank yous due, and I will continue to post them when they come to mind. One last one, though,

Thank you for following me on my journey here. It gives me a lot of strength knowing that someone is interested in what I am going through. Good night.