This past week, especially today as we get nearer to Tesslee's birthday, I've begun reliving the days before we knew we had lost her. I remember the black dress I was wearing, and looking at my side profile of her in my belly and noticing that my stomach looked smaller to me. A mother knows. Every centimeter. I remember the lesson we had that week in Relief Society on Despair and Hope so perfectly. I remember the family celebration we went to and the three times I went there and back in the course of the the 3 hours. I remember the veggie plate and dip I was eating. It's strange how life slows down. I guess it's a blessing to cushion the blow of loss. I remember everything. The outfit I wore to Tesslee's dr appointment, the conversations in the waiting room. I remember it all. The memories aren't as crippling as they were last year. I'm actually beginning to be grateful they are burned into my memory. This year they are mostly just numbing with shards of pain here and there.
As I come up on her birthday this 2nd year, I am mind blown that it has been 2 years. It seems so fresh still, yet so distant at the same time. The 2nd year has definitely been harder than the first. I do have hope though that her birthday will be beautiful. Last year I was so afraid of it, but Tesslee made it a beautiful day for us, and so this year I expect nothing less from her. I'm sure she will come through. I'm praying she will come through and it will be a tender, special day.
I miss my baby girl so much. But I am recognizing more the longer it is that she has never really left. I feel her presence in our family and I hope that someday when we are reunited I will be able to look back and see that we were never really separated. That she was always with us. Always.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Memory of Vick
One of the last memories I have of Victor and me, is the Sunday before we lost him. We went to Mike's parents' mission homecoming sacrament meeting, and after, I dropped Mike and the kids off to visit with the family. I just wanted to go home. I did not feel like talking to any one. I dropped them off and decided to stop at Tesslee's grave on the way home. I sat there and cried while I traced the heart shape we placed in Tesslee's headstone that would represent our future rainbow baby aside all of our handprints. I traced the heart over and over with my finger as I sat in the snow and thought about moving forward with my now rainbow baby and letting Tesslee go. I felt peace, especially as I noticed that the heart was in the shape of a V for our Victor. I decided there that I would make the most of every minute of this pregnancy and I would move forward and be content letting go of Tesslee's unfinished pregnancy and carrying this new one.
I left and talked to Vick in the car the whole way home. I told him how much I loved him and we were in this together. I remember sitting at the light in Mike's old Caddilac waiting for it to turn green while I sat there and smiled and accepted that this little one and I were in this together and we had this special bond and would be close.
I love that memory.
I left and talked to Vick in the car the whole way home. I told him how much I loved him and we were in this together. I remember sitting at the light in Mike's old Caddilac waiting for it to turn green while I sat there and smiled and accepted that this little one and I were in this together and we had this special bond and would be close.
I love that memory.
Vick's Special Day
First, Can I just say how much I love the name Victor/Vick?! When we decided to name him that I remember how excited I was and clearly remember fast-forwarding in my head thru the pregnancy to the first series of doctor check-ups where you're waiting in the waiting room until the nurse calls your name and you struggle to carry the heavy car seat out of the waiting room. I remember imagining hearing my baby Vick's name being called over and over again. It's such a handsome name. I also recall thinking about filling out Vick's kindergarten registration packet and writing Victor Port Millward about 30 times and thinking that is one handsome name. And he can be called Vick or Victor. Just like Jeff or Jefferson and Cade or Caden. It just seemed perfect. I am still so in love with his name. It is crazy how many times this week I have heard or seen the name Victor. It sticks out in movie credits, on the street, in the store, on our cruise multiple times and every single time I smile and my heart skips a beat knowing that I have a son named Victor that I cannot wait to meet. He is amazing. I've felt him so strongly and I am just so proud of him.
Vick's birthday was really special. We celebrated it over the course of a few days. Mike had plans of working on Vick's actual bday, so we celebrated the first time a couple days earlier when Mike was home. We had Oreo Brownie Chocolate Pudding with a candle. I needed something extra chocolaty to get thru it. We went to his grave and sang Happy Birthday and all of us blew out his candles. The kids love being able to blow out Vick and Tesslee's candles. It was a nice, simple way to acknowledge the time our Baby Vick was with us. Mike had gone earlier in the week and put these petals on his grave. It was nice to see how he had arranged them. Vick's grave really needed some color and it made my heart so happy that Mike would go to our youngest baby's grave and do this on his own time.
On Wednesday, Vick's actual birthday began with my personal morning prayer and a good cry that was just what I needed to let my heart bleed out all the sadness. It felt so good to cry. I had been holding so much in for days and I just felt understood and free of the sadness after that. After a very normal day, we decided to go out as a family to a movie and get dessert after. I have this idea that I want Vick's day to be a family holiday every year. Just a fun day where we remember him and get to have fun together celebrating our family. Who couldn't use an extra reasons to celebrate, anyway?
We went to Kneader's for desserts. We chose our desserts and found a table. We need a big table, and the only one available was a couple of tables together with a bunch of chairs around them. We each took a chair. (One thing that is always hard on me for some reason is when we are all sitting around a table. When I can look around and see all our kids together laughing and interacting it is always tender for me, knowing we are really not ALL together.) Well, It was strange how we all sat. Jeff and Kilee sat together, and Cade and Ellee sat on the other side. I said to Mike how special it was to see that our kids come in pairs. We look on our other side and there are 2 empty chairs next to each other on the other side of Mike and I. I just smiled and we acknowledged the sight. It felt like Tesslee and Victor were with us as well, celebrating his birthday together with desserts. Its a sight I hope I always have in my mind. The 6 of us and the 2 empty (not so empty) chairs around the table. A beautiful memory to end the night with.
Happy Birthday my handsome Victor! I am so excited to one day celebrate your special days with you! And until then, we'll have a life time of celebrating and remembering how blessed we are to know of your existence in our family. We love you!
Vick's birthday was really special. We celebrated it over the course of a few days. Mike had plans of working on Vick's actual bday, so we celebrated the first time a couple days earlier when Mike was home. We had Oreo Brownie Chocolate Pudding with a candle. I needed something extra chocolaty to get thru it. We went to his grave and sang Happy Birthday and all of us blew out his candles. The kids love being able to blow out Vick and Tesslee's candles. It was a nice, simple way to acknowledge the time our Baby Vick was with us. Mike had gone earlier in the week and put these petals on his grave. It was nice to see how he had arranged them. Vick's grave really needed some color and it made my heart so happy that Mike would go to our youngest baby's grave and do this on his own time.
On Wednesday, Vick's actual birthday began with my personal morning prayer and a good cry that was just what I needed to let my heart bleed out all the sadness. It felt so good to cry. I had been holding so much in for days and I just felt understood and free of the sadness after that. After a very normal day, we decided to go out as a family to a movie and get dessert after. I have this idea that I want Vick's day to be a family holiday every year. Just a fun day where we remember him and get to have fun together celebrating our family. Who couldn't use an extra reasons to celebrate, anyway?
We went to Kneader's for desserts. We chose our desserts and found a table. We need a big table, and the only one available was a couple of tables together with a bunch of chairs around them. We each took a chair. (One thing that is always hard on me for some reason is when we are all sitting around a table. When I can look around and see all our kids together laughing and interacting it is always tender for me, knowing we are really not ALL together.) Well, It was strange how we all sat. Jeff and Kilee sat together, and Cade and Ellee sat on the other side. I said to Mike how special it was to see that our kids come in pairs. We look on our other side and there are 2 empty chairs next to each other on the other side of Mike and I. I just smiled and we acknowledged the sight. It felt like Tesslee and Victor were with us as well, celebrating his birthday together with desserts. Its a sight I hope I always have in my mind. The 6 of us and the 2 empty (not so empty) chairs around the table. A beautiful memory to end the night with.
Happy Birthday my handsome Victor! I am so excited to one day celebrate your special days with you! And until then, we'll have a life time of celebrating and remembering how blessed we are to know of your existence in our family. We love you!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
A Love Note to my Victor
On this night, last year, I found out I was pregnant with you, Victor. ♥ For the first few days, I battled such anxiety, grief and anger. My confidence in myself was shot. I was terrified that I was again on a pregnancy journey, and all I could think about was how desperately I missed Tesslee. I only wanted to finish the journey with her. It felt wrong to be moving onto carrying another child. I felt this rage unlike anything I'd felt before, that if I would be able to keep you, I wanted no visitors at the hospital, no pictures posted, no announcing, none of it. If Tesslee wasn't received that way, no one deserved to share in the joy of you, either. I also felt extreme guilt for having such strong emotions, knowing that your father and I had been hoping for you for such a long time.
I knew you could feel all of these emotions. Surely, rainbow babies come prepared to handle the grief they must bear along with their mother throughout pregnancy. Because of this, I became deeply attached to you. I remember each night lying in bed trying to send you peace and give you a break from the way I felt. I always felt you were a boy. I shared my deepest emotions with you, trying to envision a new pregnancy with a new baby, and attempting to restore hope that we would raise you. I was in tune with every single thing my body did and felt. At every tinge of pain I wondered what you were thinking and feeling. Were you dying or living? Growing? What about your umbilical cord? Would it nourish you or take your life? All that mattered was that I was carrying you, and it felt so good to have a sliver of thrill that another child was with us.
I love that a year out I am finally comfortable recording this. I can see the progress now. I cherish these feelings, the anger, the guilt, the love, they are all what forged our bond. When I relive them in my mind I feel close to that short time I was blessed to carry you. It's hard to believe one year has passed. For the next 13 days I am going to live my life to the fullest for you, my little Vick. I'm going to smile and remember the time we shared together.
All my love, Mom
I knew you could feel all of these emotions. Surely, rainbow babies come prepared to handle the grief they must bear along with their mother throughout pregnancy. Because of this, I became deeply attached to you. I remember each night lying in bed trying to send you peace and give you a break from the way I felt. I always felt you were a boy. I shared my deepest emotions with you, trying to envision a new pregnancy with a new baby, and attempting to restore hope that we would raise you. I was in tune with every single thing my body did and felt. At every tinge of pain I wondered what you were thinking and feeling. Were you dying or living? Growing? What about your umbilical cord? Would it nourish you or take your life? All that mattered was that I was carrying you, and it felt so good to have a sliver of thrill that another child was with us.
I love that a year out I am finally comfortable recording this. I can see the progress now. I cherish these feelings, the anger, the guilt, the love, they are all what forged our bond. When I relive them in my mind I feel close to that short time I was blessed to carry you. It's hard to believe one year has passed. For the next 13 days I am going to live my life to the fullest for you, my little Vick. I'm going to smile and remember the time we shared together.
All my love, Mom
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Tesslee's Gift Card
For Tesslee's first birthday, a bunch of my sisters and mother in-law gave me a gift card to a spa. It was such a kind gesture. It has also been difficult to think of ever using it. I have kept it in my journal now for 7 months, feeling like if I used it I was in some strange way cashing in on my daughter's death. Well, the opportunity arrived to use the gift card for a special occasion that is coming up. It finally felt right to use it, so I went to the spa and got a pedicure, all the time thinking that I was doing this in memory of my daughter and in some way she was treating me to a relaxing pedicure.
As I was enjoying my pedicure, one of Tesslee's songs came on: If I Die Young, by The Band Perry. This song has always been favorite, full of so much passion, but it wasn't until Tesslee died that I realized just how grief-filled the words were:
"Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"
Those words capture me every time I hear them. They are even my ring tone.
I sat there in the chair, and this song came on and immediately I knew Tesslee was with me enjoying our pedicure together, although I could not see her. She knew how significant this milestone was for me in spending her first birthday gift. I had the chills. I knew it was a sign from her.
As I was driving home thinking about that special moment we had together, another song came on the radio, our song Let Her Go, which I wrote about in the previous blog. It was so deliberate, and so special to hear it tonight. I felt so loved and close to her that she would communicate with me this way letting me know she is aware of what I'm doing in her memory and that she is with me. That song ended, and I felt blessed to have heard those 2 beautiful songs on our birthday date. The very next song brought me to tears. It was the third song that I associate with Tesslee, A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri. This song was the first song that spoke to me when I finally began listening to the radio after Tesslee died. It touched my heart so deeply, as every agonizing day we were apart was also one step closer to the day I would see her again. That thought kept me going on the really bad days.
I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
One step closer"
As I was enjoying my pedicure, one of Tesslee's songs came on: If I Die Young, by The Band Perry. This song has always been favorite, full of so much passion, but it wasn't until Tesslee died that I realized just how grief-filled the words were:
"Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"
Those words capture me every time I hear them. They are even my ring tone.
I sat there in the chair, and this song came on and immediately I knew Tesslee was with me enjoying our pedicure together, although I could not see her. She knew how significant this milestone was for me in spending her first birthday gift. I had the chills. I knew it was a sign from her.
As I was driving home thinking about that special moment we had together, another song came on the radio, our song Let Her Go, which I wrote about in the previous blog. It was so deliberate, and so special to hear it tonight. I felt so loved and close to her that she would communicate with me this way letting me know she is aware of what I'm doing in her memory and that she is with me. That song ended, and I felt blessed to have heard those 2 beautiful songs on our birthday date. The very next song brought me to tears. It was the third song that I associate with Tesslee, A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri. This song was the first song that spoke to me when I finally began listening to the radio after Tesslee died. It touched my heart so deeply, as every agonizing day we were apart was also one step closer to the day I would see her again. That thought kept me going on the really bad days.
"Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall...
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall...
One step closer
I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more...
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more...
One step closer"
- A Thousand Years, Christina Perri
I feel so loved and heart-warmed that Tesslee would give me these three songs as a sign tonight that she was there with me. What a beautiful angel I have been blessed with! The day I meet her in person will be one of the happiest days of my existence. And it was a really special thing to spend Tesslee's birthday gift while she was near. I had a hard time handing the gift card over. It had caused me a lot of anxiety the past months, and to part with it was strange. But it turned out to be such a beautiful gift and to be able to spend it with Tesslee was the greatest gift of all. ♥
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Letting Her Go
I was listening to the radio while we were waiting for my son's football game to start and the most beautiful song played. It hit me so hard that I scrambled for a pen. The lyrics were describing exactly how I feel lately about my Tesslee.
"Only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you're high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
and you let her go." - Passenger
It stuck with me all day, and I felt almost this connection with Tesslee. It's like this understanding between us that this new threshold in my grief of moving forward and beginning to put the pieces of life back together may seem as though I'm moving on to most, but between Tesslee and I we both know this is only a new page in our book. I am beginning to let her go. I'm beginning to embrace this new me, this new life, and I'm going to be OK whether I believe it sometimes or not. This has not been an easy week. And it hurts when the ones you love the most can't understand where you are when you feel you need them the very most. But with or without them being able to understand, life has proven to go on and I am beginning to be strong enough to bear this burden. This song represents all these thoughts that have been weighing in my heart lately. And I know Tesslee knows them too as she's seen me struggle, change my focus and create a game plan to get myself through until we are reunited.
Tonight I looked up the info on this song. It was no surprise to me when I saw the release date. July 2012. The month that will always be tender for us, Tesslee's due date.
Sometimes angels guide us to things that give us a seal that it came from them. A little "Hi, Mom, I know you are struggling and it seems that no one can relate to the pain you feel in your heart, but I know you are hurting, and that you find comfort in music, and this song is for us and our relationship. I am with you still. Smile when you hear this song. It's our song."
Passenger- Let Her Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA
"Only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you're high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
and you let her go." - Passenger
It stuck with me all day, and I felt almost this connection with Tesslee. It's like this understanding between us that this new threshold in my grief of moving forward and beginning to put the pieces of life back together may seem as though I'm moving on to most, but between Tesslee and I we both know this is only a new page in our book. I am beginning to let her go. I'm beginning to embrace this new me, this new life, and I'm going to be OK whether I believe it sometimes or not. This has not been an easy week. And it hurts when the ones you love the most can't understand where you are when you feel you need them the very most. But with or without them being able to understand, life has proven to go on and I am beginning to be strong enough to bear this burden. This song represents all these thoughts that have been weighing in my heart lately. And I know Tesslee knows them too as she's seen me struggle, change my focus and create a game plan to get myself through until we are reunited.
Tonight I looked up the info on this song. It was no surprise to me when I saw the release date. July 2012. The month that will always be tender for us, Tesslee's due date.
Sometimes angels guide us to things that give us a seal that it came from them. A little "Hi, Mom, I know you are struggling and it seems that no one can relate to the pain you feel in your heart, but I know you are hurting, and that you find comfort in music, and this song is for us and our relationship. I am with you still. Smile when you hear this song. It's our song."
Passenger- Let Her Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
PTSD
I have really struggled to gain control over the PTSD. A few days ago our community experienced a devastating loss of a child the same age as my oldest son. It is so tragic. Knowing my experience after losing my babies, my heart has gone numb the last few days as I've mourned in my heart for the loss of this family's son. My son's football team has chosen to dedicate the rest of the season to their peer. They have each put his name on their helmet. It is very touching and raw at the same time. What a difficult road lies ahead for the family and all who knew him. It has thrown me back a few steps in my healing process.
I woke up last night in a sweat and panic. I dreamed all my kids were dying one at a time. One stepped out of our car and was immediately hit by an oncoming car as I watched. I was then at the gas station filling up my car (we were sitting on top of the car, ???) and another child slid off the car and down a cliff. My husband reached to grab him and also slid off. They were all just gone, each right before my eyes in ways I had no control of. I'm very thankful to have just visited with my bishop and have some new ways of regaining control over what trauma has left me with.
I sat up, took some deep breaths and tried to clear my mind and slow my racing heart down. All I could see were pictures of my kids replaying their deaths over and over. I stopped those thoughts right there. Done. Redirected them. I am here in my bedroom at home. My children are with me. They are alive. We are ok. We are safe. The images again tried to take control. I stopped them. told myself it was only a dream. I am here. We are safe. My children are alive. I can do this. This is reality. Only peace. Peace.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can change my thought process. I am in control. I am strong-willed. I have experienced pain beyond comprehension and am healing. I can do this. I can choose what I think about. I can choose what I want my heart to feel. I know what Tesslee and Victor are doing and they are fulfilling their plans. I am happy they are there. I have celestial children. They are happy. I choose to be happy.
I will beat PTSD.
I woke up last night in a sweat and panic. I dreamed all my kids were dying one at a time. One stepped out of our car and was immediately hit by an oncoming car as I watched. I was then at the gas station filling up my car (we were sitting on top of the car, ???) and another child slid off the car and down a cliff. My husband reached to grab him and also slid off. They were all just gone, each right before my eyes in ways I had no control of. I'm very thankful to have just visited with my bishop and have some new ways of regaining control over what trauma has left me with.
I sat up, took some deep breaths and tried to clear my mind and slow my racing heart down. All I could see were pictures of my kids replaying their deaths over and over. I stopped those thoughts right there. Done. Redirected them. I am here in my bedroom at home. My children are with me. They are alive. We are ok. We are safe. The images again tried to take control. I stopped them. told myself it was only a dream. I am here. We are safe. My children are alive. I can do this. This is reality. Only peace. Peace.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can change my thought process. I am in control. I am strong-willed. I have experienced pain beyond comprehension and am healing. I can do this. I can choose what I think about. I can choose what I want my heart to feel. I know what Tesslee and Victor are doing and they are fulfilling their plans. I am happy they are there. I have celestial children. They are happy. I choose to be happy.
I will beat PTSD.
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