A Love Note to my Victor

On this night, last year, I found out I was pregnant with you, Victor. ♥  For the first few days, I battled such anxiety, grief and anger. My confidence in myself was shot. I was terrified that I was again on a pregnancy journey, and all I could think about was how desperately I missed Tesslee. I only wanted to finish the journey with her. It felt wrong to be moving onto carrying another child. I felt this rage unlike anything I'd felt before, that if I would be able to keep you, I wanted no visitors at the hospital, no pictures posted, no announcing, none of it. If Tesslee wasn't received that way, no one deserved to share in the joy of you, either. I also felt extreme guilt for having such strong emotions, knowing that your father and I had been hoping for you for such a long time.

I knew you could feel all of these emotions. Surely, rainbow babies come prepared to handle the grief they must bear along with their mother throughout pregnancy. Because of this, I became deeply attached to you. I remember each night lying in bed trying to send you peace and give you a break from the way I felt. I always felt you were a boy. I shared my deepest emotions with you, trying to envision a new pregnancy with a new baby, and attempting to restore hope that we would raise you. I was in tune with every single thing my body did and felt. At every tinge of pain I wondered what you were thinking and feeling. Were you dying or living? Growing? What about your umbilical cord? Would it nourish you or take your life? All that mattered was that I was carrying you, and it felt so good to have a sliver of thrill that another child was with us.

 I love that a year out I am finally comfortable recording this. I can see the progress now. I cherish these feelings, the anger, the guilt, the love, they are all what forged our bond. When I relive them in my mind I feel close to that short time I was blessed to carry you. It's hard to believe one year has passed. For the next 13 days I am going to live my life to the fullest for you, my little Vick. I'm going to smile and remember the time we shared together.

All my love, Mom