Tesslee's Story

     The day we found out we were expecting, we were soooo excited! We had already been blessed with four beautiful children, and we had always planned on having five. So this would be our last pregnancy and I wanted to love every single moment of it, since after this we would be leaving the baby stage behind. We told our family only a couple weeks later over Thanksgiving Dinner, along with two other sisters that day. That was one of the happiest Thanksgivings I've ever had and I was overjoyed with the news of all these little ones joining our family around the same time. 

     Our two boys and two girls were very anxious for their last little sibling to arrive. They wondered what this baby would be, and were already making room arrangements for whichever, boy or girl. I was pretty sure it was a boy. We all discussed names and had a boy name decided. The kids loved being a part of this pregnancy, and it was fun for me to see them show so much love for their baby already. I began to feel the baby move at around 14 weeks, and feeling my little one kick from the inside helped me through the rough, sick days. I already loved this little guy so much!  

     My 17 week Dr. appointment came and we were so excited for the detailed ultrasound. The technician checked each one of our baby's organs thoroughly and noted that everything was working as it should. I was relieved, but why would it not be? I've always had very healthy pregnancies. Then for the big news... It's a girl. What??? I was not expecting that at all. I immediately fell in love with the idea of having three girls. We excitedly told the kids, began making more plans, and took up the task of choosing a name for our baby girl. Each of us came up with ideas for names. After much discussion and thought, we combined a few of the kids' choices with Mike's favorite, and came up with our baby girl's beautiful name- Tesslee Summer Millward.  

     Life got really busy! My kids were in school plays, choir, gymnastics, scouts, along with me trying to finish up a semester of college... and somewhere between 19 and 20 weeks I noticed that I hadn't felt Tesslee kick lately. I became alarmed, but assured myself that she was fine, and probably just in a deep growing phase and to not worry. After all, some moms don't even start to feel kicking until around 20 weeks. I'm a worrier, that's all. But something just didn't seem right. I had another Dr. appointment coming up in a few days, so after calming my fears with an online search of fetal movements at 20 weeks, I convinced myself not to feel stressed. I just prayed and nudged and prayed some more that she would kick just a little to get me by a couple more days.

     I was so relieved when my 21 week Dr visit arrived! I was planning on going alone, and when my husband, who usually didn't go with me, offered to rearrange his schedule so he could be there too, I told him I was fine to go alone. Everything is always just fine. So I went by myself. 

     Its strange because I can remember every single detail and thought I had... what I was wearing, walking down the steps of the house, what was on the radio, walking into the hospital, and listening to other patients complaining to the receptionist while I waited. It was like life was beginning to play in slow motion. Something was definitely different about this visit. I became alarmed inside. My name was called, and I went back.

     When the Dr. came in, he asked how I was doing and I told him how relieved I was to be here because I had not been feeling kicks recently. The Dr.'s face became serious in an instant and he cut all the small talk and got out the Doppler. He pressed it over every angle of my belly, and nothing. I began to panic inside. He told me to stay calm. We switched rooms and he turned the ultrasound machine on. It took about 5 minutes for it to warm up... the longest 5 minutes of my entire life. Everything would be fine, I kept telling myself, everything would be fine.

    He placed the warm jelly on my stomach and brought the picture up. There, curled up in a little ball was my beautiful little Tesslee, still and silent. I did not believe it. I had him check over and over again. I was sure it was a mistake. That's when he told me, "I'm so sorry...there is no heartbeat...She is gone, there is nothing we can do. Go home, discuss it with your husband and decide a day you can come and deliver your baby. You can expect it to be similar to your past deliveries...You will want an epidural..." I don't remember the rest. That's when life paused. March 13th, 2012. I was instantly in shock. I remember perfectly, walking past the front desk without scheduling the next visit, past the patients, hearing the door shut behind me and riding down the elevator in a daze. Somehow I made it to my car, but life was muted. I sat there and began to process what had just happened. I called my husband, but he didn't answer. I didn't know how to tell him anyway. I did the only thing I could think of next. I called my mom. She answered, and hearing my mother's voice brought the tears hard, instantly. I couldn't even speak. I just sobbed into the phone. After a minute I barely choked out what had happened.

     That evening and the next day were a blur. It was devastating to be pregnant, look pregnant, and know that my sweet Tesslee was not alive inside me. I began to feel her kicking again all night and day. I knew the doctor was mistaken. I did not believe this was really happening. Part of me was anxious to get her out, but some of me wanted her to stay inside forever where I could protect her and love her and keep her safe. We made arrangements with the hospital to come in the next evening.

     Driving to the hospital without a car seat, knowing you will be going through labor and delivering your baby, but will not be bringing your little one home with you is an unspeakable pain I pray I never experience again. I was very blessed that night, however, to have my good friend as my nurse. She stayed with us almost the entire night and helped to make the most of the situation we were in. 

     After 10 hours of labor, our dear little Tesslee entered the world, Sleeping, on March 15th, 2012 at 6:15 am. How strange it was to give birth for the fifth time, yet be something I had never experienced before... a silent, holy birth. I felt nearer to Heaven at that time than ever before in my life, and the peace I felt was beyond beautiful. My angel, Tesslee, was strengthening me. The reason for her death was immediately apparent. The cord was wrapped tightly twice around her precious, little neck. Mike cut the cord, and as they unwound it, I couldn't help but notice the irony in it, the cord that had sustained her life ultimately took it. She weighed 6 oz. and was 8 1/4 in. long. I was amazed at how completely perfect she was, and I fell in love with her all over again. Our hearts broke that we would not be able to watch her grow and see what she would become. She was so beautiful. 

     Mike and I spent the next 2 days in the hospital loving and cuddling our sweet baby girl. Hand and foot molds were done, beautiful pictures were taken, and Tesslee was cared for and dressed so tenderly in diapers, nightgowns and little nightcaps, with matching bracelets and a teddy bear. I found out later that Tesslee's keepsakes we received were lovingly made by angel moms, donating their time and healing from their own losses. My eyes have been opened to a whole new community of angel families that serve and take care of future angel families. Its a beautiful thing.

     We chose to have our Tesslee cremated. We thought it was a lovely idea to have her always with us in our home. We didn't really explore the burial option much, assuming it would be very expensive to go that route. We said our goodbyes, and left our sweet baby in the care of the hospital chaplain. That is also one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... say hello and goodbye to our baby girl at the same time, and walk away. But Tesslee has always been with me when I have needed her most, and I felt lifted and carried over the next few weeks.

     It has now been four months since Tesslee became an angel. We recently had a graveside service for our baby girl and buried her cremains. While I loved having her cremains with us the past few months,  I felt it was the right thing for Tesslee and for us to have her cremains interred. I feel a sense of closure now that I hadn't felt before. 

      I never thought this would be one of my children's life stories. I have learned so much from Tesslee. My eyes have been opened to the miracle that life is, and how fragile it is. I see my living children in a new light, and find myself loving deeper than I ever thought I could. While I desperately wish Tesslee was mine to raise, she has touched my life and has made me better than I was, without taking a breath or speaking a word. It amazes me how an experience that can be so painful and heartbreaking can change and refine us in ways nothing else can, and then we begin to see something beautiful emerge from the heartbreak.

     Thank you, Tesslee, for letting us have you for the time that we did. You will always be a part of our family, and we look to the day when we can be with you again.