Family History

I had such an interesting day. It was Stake Conference, and every talk was centered around searching out names from our own family lines and preparing/taking those names to the temple. I cried through a lot of it, as my thoughts revisited some special experiences I had about 6 months ago with Tesslee, who was drawing me to our family history lines.

As a way to cope and feel close to Tesslee, I began exploring our family trees, where we discovered the name "Vickers" on Mike's side. The name went back in various forms (Vickers, Vickars, Vicker) for many generations, used in both middle and last names. Mike instantly loved the name, and that's ultimately how we settled on naming our little Vick. I miscarried him shortly after we decided on this name. Mike still refers to him as Vickers, and the name Vickers will be included on a small headstone we will someday place over his grave.

Stake Conference touched my heart so deeply, and I felt that after having a few months off to grieve Vick, it was time to pick up where we had left off 6 months ago and, with my angels, do some family history. It is interesting to note that the opening and closing songs for Stake Conference were the same songs we sang at Tesslee's funeral: I Love To See The Temple and Families Can Be Together Forever, in that order. The kids and I all made note of it as we stood up and sang them. It seemed like a sign from Tesslee that it was indeed what she was guiding me to.

I sat down tonight after the kids were in bed, and after finishing a school assignment, and just wondered where I should even begin. I had no idea where to start! A thought quickly entered my mind to pull up the Vickers line. I went there and followed it back as far as it would go. Then it just stopped. I wonder who the next Vickers is in that line. They are in the early 1600's. I am so curious about them and the people who are my angel son's namesake! This is going to be my new project. I'm going to help the Vickers line received their temple ordinances. And I'm going to do it in memory of my son. I hope I can feel him near and can build a relationship with him while I work to find these ancestors of ours that have been waiting hundreds of years for this. A blessing I received years ago mentioned that I will have a relationship with each one of my children. I've thought a lot about that as two of them are angels. I already have a treasured relationship with Tesslee. I've often wondered how I can continue my relationship with Vick. I've spent many nights lately crying to my Heavenly Father regarding him. This may just be an answer to my prayers. I'm so excited to begin!

With Jesus

Oh how I miss my little Victor today, and all I hoped for with him. It's been five months since I saw him on ultrasound, then hours later held him in my hands. How quickly life can be changed. This chapter feels so foreign.  It's such a trying time, but the new me that understands this pain is better than the old me. The lessons I've learned are valuable, and I cherish the knowledge I've gleened.

I came across this picture. It's just beautiful. Look at their smiles! Who would wish them out of that bright, perfect love and back into this world? I'm trying to move forward, to accept that although not today, one day I will have them both in my arms. Great things are worth waiting for, I know that. Its hard for my heart to stop aching for them. I haven't figured out how, yet. This picture helps.

Tesslee and Victor, Momma loves you with a full heart. I will kiss and squeeze the kids a thousand times... for them, and then for you! I will take in all the life that is around me and treasure it, and in doing this I will honor your brief, significant lives. Thank you for this great gift, Angels.