One of the last memories I have of Victor and me, is the Sunday before we lost him. We went to Mike's parents' mission homecoming sacrament meeting, and after, I dropped Mike and the kids off to visit with the family. I just wanted to go home. I did not feel like talking to any one. I dropped them off and decided to stop at Tesslee's grave on the way home. I sat there and cried while I traced the heart shape we placed in Tesslee's headstone that would represent our future rainbow baby aside all of our handprints. I traced the heart over and over with my finger as I sat in the snow and thought about moving forward with my now rainbow baby and letting Tesslee go. I felt peace, especially as I noticed that the heart was in the shape of a V for our Victor. I decided there that I would make the most of every minute of this pregnancy and I would move forward and be content letting go of Tesslee's unfinished pregnancy and carrying this new one.
I left and talked to Vick in the car the whole way home. I told him how much I loved him and we were in this together. I remember sitting at the light in Mike's old Caddilac waiting for it to turn green while I sat there and smiled and accepted that this little one and I were in this together and we had this special bond and would be close.
I love that memory.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Vick's Special Day
First, Can I just say how much I love the name Victor/Vick?! When we decided to name him that I remember how excited I was and clearly remember fast-forwarding in my head thru the pregnancy to the first series of doctor check-ups where you're waiting in the waiting room until the nurse calls your name and you struggle to carry the heavy car seat out of the waiting room. I remember imagining hearing my baby Vick's name being called over and over again. It's such a handsome name. I also recall thinking about filling out Vick's kindergarten registration packet and writing Victor Port Millward about 30 times and thinking that is one handsome name. And he can be called Vick or Victor. Just like Jeff or Jefferson and Cade or Caden. It just seemed perfect. I am still so in love with his name. It is crazy how many times this week I have heard or seen the name Victor. It sticks out in movie credits, on the street, in the store, on our cruise multiple times and every single time I smile and my heart skips a beat knowing that I have a son named Victor that I cannot wait to meet. He is amazing. I've felt him so strongly and I am just so proud of him.
Vick's birthday was really special. We celebrated it over the course of a few days. Mike had plans of working on Vick's actual bday, so we celebrated the first time a couple days earlier when Mike was home. We had Oreo Brownie Chocolate Pudding with a candle. I needed something extra chocolaty to get thru it. We went to his grave and sang Happy Birthday and all of us blew out his candles. The kids love being able to blow out Vick and Tesslee's candles. It was a nice, simple way to acknowledge the time our Baby Vick was with us. Mike had gone earlier in the week and put these petals on his grave. It was nice to see how he had arranged them. Vick's grave really needed some color and it made my heart so happy that Mike would go to our youngest baby's grave and do this on his own time.
On Wednesday, Vick's actual birthday began with my personal morning prayer and a good cry that was just what I needed to let my heart bleed out all the sadness. It felt so good to cry. I had been holding so much in for days and I just felt understood and free of the sadness after that. After a very normal day, we decided to go out as a family to a movie and get dessert after. I have this idea that I want Vick's day to be a family holiday every year. Just a fun day where we remember him and get to have fun together celebrating our family. Who couldn't use an extra reasons to celebrate, anyway?
We went to Kneader's for desserts. We chose our desserts and found a table. We need a big table, and the only one available was a couple of tables together with a bunch of chairs around them. We each took a chair. (One thing that is always hard on me for some reason is when we are all sitting around a table. When I can look around and see all our kids together laughing and interacting it is always tender for me, knowing we are really not ALL together.) Well, It was strange how we all sat. Jeff and Kilee sat together, and Cade and Ellee sat on the other side. I said to Mike how special it was to see that our kids come in pairs. We look on our other side and there are 2 empty chairs next to each other on the other side of Mike and I. I just smiled and we acknowledged the sight. It felt like Tesslee and Victor were with us as well, celebrating his birthday together with desserts. Its a sight I hope I always have in my mind. The 6 of us and the 2 empty (not so empty) chairs around the table. A beautiful memory to end the night with.
Happy Birthday my handsome Victor! I am so excited to one day celebrate your special days with you! And until then, we'll have a life time of celebrating and remembering how blessed we are to know of your existence in our family. We love you!
Vick's birthday was really special. We celebrated it over the course of a few days. Mike had plans of working on Vick's actual bday, so we celebrated the first time a couple days earlier when Mike was home. We had Oreo Brownie Chocolate Pudding with a candle. I needed something extra chocolaty to get thru it. We went to his grave and sang Happy Birthday and all of us blew out his candles. The kids love being able to blow out Vick and Tesslee's candles. It was a nice, simple way to acknowledge the time our Baby Vick was with us. Mike had gone earlier in the week and put these petals on his grave. It was nice to see how he had arranged them. Vick's grave really needed some color and it made my heart so happy that Mike would go to our youngest baby's grave and do this on his own time.
On Wednesday, Vick's actual birthday began with my personal morning prayer and a good cry that was just what I needed to let my heart bleed out all the sadness. It felt so good to cry. I had been holding so much in for days and I just felt understood and free of the sadness after that. After a very normal day, we decided to go out as a family to a movie and get dessert after. I have this idea that I want Vick's day to be a family holiday every year. Just a fun day where we remember him and get to have fun together celebrating our family. Who couldn't use an extra reasons to celebrate, anyway?
We went to Kneader's for desserts. We chose our desserts and found a table. We need a big table, and the only one available was a couple of tables together with a bunch of chairs around them. We each took a chair. (One thing that is always hard on me for some reason is when we are all sitting around a table. When I can look around and see all our kids together laughing and interacting it is always tender for me, knowing we are really not ALL together.) Well, It was strange how we all sat. Jeff and Kilee sat together, and Cade and Ellee sat on the other side. I said to Mike how special it was to see that our kids come in pairs. We look on our other side and there are 2 empty chairs next to each other on the other side of Mike and I. I just smiled and we acknowledged the sight. It felt like Tesslee and Victor were with us as well, celebrating his birthday together with desserts. Its a sight I hope I always have in my mind. The 6 of us and the 2 empty (not so empty) chairs around the table. A beautiful memory to end the night with.
Happy Birthday my handsome Victor! I am so excited to one day celebrate your special days with you! And until then, we'll have a life time of celebrating and remembering how blessed we are to know of your existence in our family. We love you!
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