Midnight Ramblings

I miss my little Victor so much right now. I would be over 20 weeks, that milestone of moving from  being labeled "miscarriage" to "stillbirth" had he lived up til now. I hate that I think in terms of death now, wishing my baby could've been considered a stillbirth instead of a miscarriage, although in reality there is no difference, just for what he is offered in this life, a birth certificate, a name on church records, an official burial, acknowledgement, etc.

I'm attending a 6 week grief course at the hospital for miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss to get some help. I got a handout that showed the size of a 6 week gestation baby and I cried. It was exactly Vick's size and shape. I miss holding him and experiencing his precious little body at such an early gestation. To think that each of my children started out at that tiny size is so amazing. It's so fulfilling  as a mother to watch my kids grow and see their lives unfolding. It gives me so much pleasure accompanied with pain every time I do this, knowing there two of my babies are not in my arms and not growing up before my eyes. My heart aches for them. My heart aches to not have my rainbow baby with me. My heart smiles when I pull out that paper that has Vick's size. It's like the only thing I have to remember him by.

Grief took me by surprise today. I questioned God's placing of a baby into the life of a drug-addicted, single mom i know. I never thought I would do that. It seems so unlike the old me. I was so mad that he would take away the baby I so longed for, and place one in someone's life who wasn't expecting or wanting one. I hate these emotions that surface at the most unnexpected times. I hate the jealousy(?) and anger I feel when I have to sit thru a baby blessing of twins. My question to God is Where is the fairness in that? Why are some moms blessed to take home 2 babies and some have their hopes up that they too will bring home a baby only to come home empty handed. Why did I get pregnant only to lose Vick shortly after? Why did I  get led on that I would have my 3rd baby girl, never to raise her in this life? Why did my daughter have to go through the hurt of never mind, Tesslee won't be sharing a room with you afterall. Why do my kids have to wonder if the next baby (if there is one) will be a baby or an angel? I hate that my kids have lost their innocence too. i wish i could protect their innocence with a world where babies dont die. i hate that people are ignorant to the fact that this could happen to them. What more hell do we have to go through? Why do some mothers go thru life never experiencing child loss and some have to go through this hell? Who chooses which moms get to lose their babies and which moms get to keep them? Which moms get to kiss and snuggle their babies and which moms get to bury theirs? Where is the fairness in that? Life's not fair but it should be in terms of a mother's love. No mother should ever lose her baby. Child loss should not exist.

It's weird to see how my mind is processing what I've been through. Last night I dreamed I was taking Tesslee and Victor for a walk in our double jogger. This is something I've done with all my kids: Jeff & Kilee, Cade & Ellee, and now Tesslee & Vick. I buckled them in and was so excited to walk them through life. I tried as hard as I could to push the stroller but it wouldn't budge. The stroller wouldn't move. I wouldn't be taking them on a walk after all. I woke up sad and hurt. This dream is still so vivid in my mind. The processing dreams don't leave me. I can see every detail clearly for months. I guess my mind is just trying to make sense of all of this.

Loved

 

I missed everything about you today. I watched your video and saw you moving and breathing. I felt your kicks again. I heard your heart beating, such strong, beautiful music.
How is it that some babies have to leave?       

 

Loving you, Remembering you, Imagining you, Tess.
Be the beautiful angel that you are, and know you are always in my heart.

                                         

                                                                                  xoxo, Mom

Thoughtful Gift

One of my dear friends made and delivered such a thoughtful gift this week: eight beautiful plates with each of our family's names etched into the glass, including Tesslee's and Vicks! Holiday dining has been difficult. As we've gathered around the table, its hard to ignore the vacancies of our angel babies. My friend was so thoughtful to offer a way we could include them in our holiday meal traditions, and soften the blow of holiday dining. For the first time in almost a year, I am really, really excited for the next holiday to come! We usually do a nice Valentine's dinner and I can't even wait to see what our dinner table looks like this time with all of us represented! Such a meaningful gift, thank you so very much! xoxo

 

 

Destroy

I want a room that's filled with all kinds of nice things, furniture, bookshelves, glass vases, lamps, end tables, and I want to destroy it all. I want to grab the table and overturn it. I want to push all the books off the shelf and throw them at the window, hopefully breaking it. I want to grab a chair and heave it into the wall. If there are papers stacked nicely I will spill them everywhere. I want to kick in the walls. I want to punch the mirror until it shatters into pieces. Its fine, I don't feel anything. Nothing can hurt more than my shattered heart. I want to rip the pillows apart and tear down the curtains. I want to destroy this beautiful room, then shrink to my knees and cry hard.

And after, I will feel able to get through another day.

February

February has already given me whiplash. The other day I was creating my monthly white-board calendar for February and filled in the days with Jr Jazz basketball, scouts, school play practices, choir, my school dates, birthdays and all the other family calender dates. I was slammed with the realization that this February mirrored the events of last February, the last full month I had with Tesslee. I felt like a train had wrecked into me. I was overcome with deep, heavy sorrow. I just wanted to curl up and never face February ever again. 

As much as I love watching my son play Jr Jazz, my heart hurts every time I sit on the bleachers or enter the restroom. I spent much of last season with another mom watching our sons play while discussing baby names, dreams and my current plans of finding the perfect diaper bag. (A diaper bag that was girlie, but black- manly enough for Mike to haul around.) Tesslee's pregnancy was the first one I was actually in a position to splurge on the little luxuries I desired. I spent hours nightly last February reading all the reviews and searching online. I had finally chosen one and remember updating my friend on my choice at one of the late-February games. I remember taking restroom breaks, and loved stealing a glance at my side view in the mirror before exiting. Uggggh... So many hard memories to get through this year at Jr Jazz. At this morning's game a woman came and sat her car seat and baby girl down right next to me. This baby was clearly around Tesslee's age. In my mind I said, Are you serious?! Don't torture me! The pain is torture, sometimes I don't know how much more my heart can bear. It's even hard to breathe. I wonder if she felt my heartache, after a minute she left. I was very grateful. I was not feeling strong enough to endure that today. I would've moved if she hadn't.

Its strange, all this time I have been fearing March. But I've been blindsided by February and the final memories I have of Tesslee that are jam-packed into these 28 days.

Gift From An Angel



    I have a plant that I cherish. It was given to me in the hospital when Tesslee was born. I took that plant home and determined that as long as I was around, I would do all in my power to keep her little plant alive. In my mind it's connected with her. It was there with us in the hospital room. I love this plant and pick at it, water, nurture it like it's my baby. It has grown big, healthy, shiny-green leaves. They are beautiful. Everyday I take time to look at this plant.

 

   The morning after I spent the day with my sister and her sweet baby, I was walking past Tesslee's plant, and I noticed something unusual. It had a strange, white-leafed bloom that had never been there before. The second I saw it I felt this knowledge flow through me that it was a physical sign from Tesslee that she was so happy with the huge step I had taken yesterday. I knew all at once with certainty that Tesslee bloomed the flower for me, and that she knew that I would notice this sign. It was pure, beautiful knowledge.

 

    In the almost year we've had this plant it has never bloomed. I didn't even know it had the capability of blooming. I just thought the leaves were as beautiful as it got. It's no coincidence that the day after I decided to be proactive in my healing, Tesslee's flower bloomed. It's just another tender mercy that has given me strength. It has now been a couple of weeks since it bloomed. The beautiful white blossom is still there. Every time I glance at it, I smile. It fills me with peace and strength knowing my angels are near me.