I'm so happy to be on spring break and finally have a minute to record my baby angel's birthday week. It was such a roller coaster! As I've posted about in recent previous posts, all of February and into March were so so tough. It was hard to hit those days, events, occurrences and relive them only this year knowing what the outcome was and that those memories were some of the last days/moments I had with her. It compounded all my emotions and for me this was worse than the first few months because the numbness and shock was long worn off. I just felt all the raw, hard feelings of child loss without any emotional sedative. The closer I got to the week of her birthday the harder it seemed, anxiety set in. Sunday was the worst day of almost all, with a church lesson on handling your trials cheerfully, that I literally could not listen to and ended up walking out of. I spent two hours crying hysterically in my car. I hadn't cried that hard in so long, and although it was painful to be feeling so raw, it was also very healing to let it all out, to give it up. At one moment in the car as I felt that I had been abandoned by all, my dear sister text-ed me and told me she knew Sundays were hard and that she loved me and was thinking about me. At that moment I knew still that I had not been abandoned and that Heavenly Father was aware of where I was at right then and had sent a message of love to me. I was scared to even enter the rest of the week, but that was the worst of it all, and my week took a beautiful turn upward,... thank goodness!
Monday I received a package I had been expecting and dreaming of for about eight months now. Mike and I had designed memorial t-shirts last July to wear for the Running With Angels 5K we want to do each year. It was really fun designing them for our baby girl, we wanted them to be perfect in every way and spent a lot of time with the design. They were pretty expensive and we never had the money to purchase them so we just saved them for when our tax return came. It was a good thing, because in the meantime, we lost our little Victor and would've wanted him on the shirts anyway. So when our tax return came in February, we ordered the shirts right away. They just happened to come at the start of this very difficult week. I was elated, finally after months and months, to get this package! It was like an early birthday present! It really lifted my spirit. So Monday was a great day!
Tuesday, (well, back up...) All the previous week I had been calling around searching for a place that could for sure have daffodils for Tesslee's birthday. Why daffodils? I've been waiting for someone to ask that, so I'll tell you. When we designed Tesslee's headstone, I wanted to place symbols on it that would speak peace to me. I absolutely love flowers, and felt that Tesslee loved them too, so I searched flowers. March's birth flower is the daffodil. It signifies rebirth and newness of life. Daffodils only bloom shortly in early spring. I felt a connection to daffodils with Tesslee. Daffodils seemed to symbolize Tesslee, as she bloomed only very briefly in March, and that they remind me of the Resurrection, where she will be reborn. So her headstone has a cluster of daffodils on it. I've dreamed since the beginning that on her birthday I will give her a beautiful bouquet of daffodils. I had been searching for a week for a place that could guarantee them for me. I called around, no one seemed sure they could. I began to feel discouraged and knelt and prayed, explaining that this was soooo important for me, and maybe Tesslee could help me find her some daffodils. Tuesday I found a place that would have daffodils for Friday. Talk about happy!!!! It made my whole day bright!
Wednesday, I was super busy from 7 am until 9 pm and was barely home for a few minutes in between errands. It helped to stay busy, and in a rush through the kitchen on my way out again I opened the fridge and noticed a large, beautiful birthday cake taking up one whole shelf. I was really surprised. Ellee said Dad had bought it. I can't describe how much this meant to me to see this! While Mike and I have become so close through this experience, I am still barely beginning to understand the way he grieves (and men's grief, in general.) And to see him expressing his grief outwardly in the form of thinking about his baby girl and wanting to give her a birthday cake for her special day (especially 3 days in advance) touched my heart greatly, and it added such joy to Wednesday. This was also a tender day, it was the day we found out Tesslee had passed away. I was especially easy on myself Wednesday. One thing, later on Mike told me he was grateful I wasn't there when he bought the cake because the kind checker lady made a big deal about "Who's birthday cake is this?!" Mike said it was really hard to respond to her, and just said, "It's for our baby." I'm learning so much about how Mike grieves, and while at some points this past year I felt resentment that he wasn't grieving enough and didn't care as much as I did, when in reality, I was sooo mistaken. Men care greatly; they feel and grieve in their own way just as much as women do, and express it differently. Its been eye-opening, and such a blessing for me to begin to understand this.
Thursday, I just couldn't wait to pick up the daffodils any longer. I went to the store and was a little disappointed to find that the daffodils were almost completely closed up. They didn't even look like flowers. I traded the ones set aside for me with ones on the shelf that were a little more open, and I tried to be just grateful to have found actual daffodils, but inside I was sad that it wouldn't be exactly as I had imagined it for Tesslee. I took them home and hoped and hoped that they would open up really fast. I divided the bunch into 2 bouquets, one for Tesslee's grave, and one for our home, and found myself glancing every little while at them in hopes that they would open up. They began to, slightly. Later on, my SIL brought dinner and some flowers by, without asking, just stating that she was bringing dinner, and if I already had something planned I could freeze it. It was very thoughtful and emotionally needed. It was a peaceful day. Another SIL stayed up til past midnight finishing the last of some blankets she was making for Tesslee's birthday service project. She wanted to finish them for Tesslee's birthday. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support I've received. I have to admit, it was a real fear that her birthday would come and no one would remember.
Friday, Tesslee's first birthday rolled around. I walked in the kitchen that morning and there were beautiful daffodils in full yellow bloom beaming at me.
I was overjoyed and felt like Tesslee was involved in them blooming so quickly. They were like Heaven and smelled so fragrant. I've never paid much attention to daffodils before, but they are such a bright, cheerful flower, one of my very favorites now. I took the kids to the store to pick up a purple balloon bouquet and have to note that I felt Heaven literally following me everywhere I went. I had such a warm, glowing, peaceful feeling, I thought about Sunday and how heavy and depressed I felt, I know for sure that Tesslee's beautiful presence was surrounding me this day. She has such an indescribably beautiful spirit. I want to always remember how I felt as I walked back out to the car with my kids in one hand and the purple balloons for my angel daughter in my other hand and her spirit beside to me. It was surreal to be surrounded by Heaven and earth at the same time. Notice the coconut in the picture. A couple weeks ago, Kilee asked if we could get Tesslee a coconut for her birthday and experience it for her on her birthday. I thought this was such a fun way for the kids to celebrate their angel sister's birthday. I think we will do this each year and let the kids decide something they want to experience on behalf of their sister for her birthday. More on the coconut later.
After the kids returned from school, we packed the balloons, cake, candle, markers, camera, and flowers, and drove to... the cemetery. Its so taxing emotionally to pull into the cemetery to celebrate our daughter's first birthday. Just one of those difficult, yucky-yet peaceful moments in all of this. We noticed a few visitors had already been there, which means so much!!!!! To know that someone comes on their own and gives Tesslee birthday wishes is really such a beautiful way to show love and support. (*Thank you for the balloon, flowers and beautiful card for her.) It really meant soooo much to me that you would visit her.)
We lit a "one"candle and sang Happy Birthday, and something pretty special happened. Right as soon as we finished singing, one of the purple balloons popped, and then another! It was right in back of Kilee, we all started laughing. It felt good to laugh. Then I realized what had happened and I feel like Tesslee and Vick were with us and popped the balloons to let us know they were there, too. The timing of it all was so interesting. xoxo I love this thought!! We passed out the cake and chatted as we sat around her headstone. It was really special. We loved spending time there together. We wrote little messages on her remaining balloons and the kids sent them up to her.
We watched them sail off. It was nice. We put her flowers in her vase in the ground and made it all beautiful around her little spot, and wished her a happy birthday, took some pictures, and left.
We got home late, and there was a birthday gift on the porch with Tesslee's name on it. Can I just say how sweet that was to see her name on a present?! It was from all of my SIL's and mom on Mike's side. A beautiful birthday card and some gift cards for a special day out. It was very, very thoughtful.
After dinner we had coconut time... finally. The kids were begging all day. This was one of my favorite things about Tesslee's day. It was so much fun to watch the kids try to crack the coconut open. We poked a hole and drained the juice. The kids were unimpressed with coconut milk. It was comical and we all had some good laughs.
In the end, Cade cracked it, at the same time he hammered his finger. We tasted some of the white part and passed around the shell. It was really a fun memory and I look forward to watching the kids experience something new for their sister again next year!
It was such a peaceful, special, memorable day. Our family was surrounded with love and support.
We love you so much Tesslee! Thank you for being with us and letting us feel your beauty on your special day!! Love you forever, my child! xoxo
