Merry Christmas

Tesslee and Vick,

We have missed you so much this first year! Although we wish you were here with us, it must be amazing experiencing Christmas with the angels. You two are in my heart. xoxo

Love Always,

Mom

Tesslee Bear

November 5, 2012

 

A lot of angel moms are getting their long-awaited Molly Bears. Over the last few days I've seen pictures of many of the darling teddy bears that are made specifically for your angel, personalized even down to his/her weight. From what I've heard, the waiting list has been around a year long, so I can imagine the surprise and excitement of receiving it randomly out of the blue and the sweetness of feeling the exact weight in your arms once again. What a treasured service for angel families!

 

This got me thinking about what our Tesslee's Molly Bear would be like. It would be such a gift to receive one with her same exact weight... We have our Tesslee Bear, who has grown into a family member to us. We take her on vacation, the kids are always fighting who gets to sleep with her, and we match her outfit with the girls' when we get family pictures done. If we can't have our Tesslee with us, the next best thing is her teddy bear to represent her. Tesslee Bear has helped to tangibly fill the hole in our family during those bitter, almost unbearable moments when it hits that someone we love is missing. She fills my empty arms. I love that bear! 

 

After spending a long time day dreaming whether or not I wanted to request a Molly Bear, I decided I just couldn't do it. No, Tesslee Bear will never be "replaced." I was curious, however, about her weight. That's the one thing that would make her extra special, if she was the same weight as Tesslee's tiny 6 ounces. Curiosity got the best of me. I grabbed our food scale and placed Tesslee Bear on it. I could not believe my eyes!.................. It read 6 ounces! How is it done that the little, trivial things which are completely insignificant to many, but would mean so much to me seem to be taken care of? I know my Heavenly Father sends me these little gifts to tell me He loves me. Tesslee Bear has always been cherished, and now even more so.

 

 

Tender Mercy Part 3

 

 

I received a package in the mail today. The card read:

 

Dear Sara,

This little angel needs to be yours. I sold these over 20 years ago in a little shop I had. Over the years I've given others away. It cannot be just sheer coincidence that the last one was a "purple" one... I hope you will be able to find some small comfort in her beauty & sweetness as a reminder of Tesslee!

With much love,

Lisa Brothers

 

 

I feel like I've just received an angel kiss from my Tesslee! I know she loves purple. What another tender mercy! Thank you, Lisa. This angel will always remind me of the little things God does to show me He knows.

Tender Mercy Part 2

This is an experience that proves to me that Heavenly Father has sprinkled tender mercies all throughout my life- some being in the works for many years. Thank you, Lisa, for allowing me to share this beautiful experience exactly as it unfolded before my eyes. To read Tender Mercy, (which is Part 1), click here.

In September I received this email, some weeks after I posted Tender Mercy:


I am new at the computer, so if you get this Sara, it will be a
miracle. My name is Lisandra Brothers and I wrote the Ensign Article,
"My Mission Was Cut Short." I wrote it over three years ago after
being prompted one morning upon getting out of bed. It came as one
huge clear thought, where in just seconds, I was shone what I should
write and to who. The article was accepted quickly with a cover
letter that told me it would be published in a year or less. A year
came and went and it wasn't published, so I thought it would never be
published and so forgot about it. Then in December of 2011, I was
informed it would be published in the Easter edition of the Ensign
2012. I can see now how important that timing of the Lord was. If it
had been published any earlier, you may never have received the
comfort from the words of my great Aunt Adella's mission president.
When the church published this, they changed the title to reach
returned missionaries who had come home early. As I write this, I can
see that Tesslee is also a missionary returned to her Heavenly Father.
She will have many things to report of her short time on earth. But
mainly, she will be able to report that her earthly parents loved her
very much, that they wanted her to live so badly, and that they
applied great faith in Heavenly Father's wisdom upon her return. It is
an amazing thing you've been through and I also believe that she is
helping you from the other side. Thanks for blogging. Love, Lisandra
(Lisa) Brothers


I was so grateful for this email. I remember it came on a really hard day, and I felt like it was a reminder sent from Heavenly Father that he knew I was struggling and this would give me some peace. I thought about the timing, Like Lisa had said, I knew there was no coincidence in it. I am in awe that experiences in Lisa's great aunt Adelle's history so many years ago, were recorded with me and my own future trials connected somehow. Also, I find it so interesting that certain words were changed, knowing they would catch my eye during specific moments of desperation. I became curious how Lisa was lead to my blog. I wrote her back, thanked her for sharing this history with me and asked her how she came across my blog. This was her reply:


Dear Sara,

One night, I had the strongest impression to Google my own name. I am new to the computer, and it was not something I was accustomed to doing. It was quite late, nearing midnight, as I did so. I came across many entries, but when I came to My Tesslee Treasure I wondered if it was a blog about my Ensign article. As I read your "Tender Mercy" entry, I wept. Huge tears fell down and covered the front of my pajamas. I had wanted to tell you of my initial reaction to your blog last time I e-mailed, but it slipped my mind as I was writing you about the timing of the article. But to me, the emotional reaction I had to your loss and your pain was significant. I have never married and have never had a child, so you would think I could not relate to your loss. But, it is exactly in the loss of children and marriage that I am able to feel for your loss. I have no problem with you sharing my e-mails on your blog. If ever I write you something that I feel shouldn't be shared, I will let you know. I hope you will be able to continue to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost as you work your way through this horrible loss. Mourning is something understood and allowed by the Lord. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. It has been through the sorrows of my life that I have been able to become closer to and more acquainted with him. I just don't believe you can draw really close to him without undergoing sorrow. It is by needing Him that we get to know Him. Because you need Him, you will come to understand Him and what He has given you. It is the silver lining to such a horrible loss. Don't worry too much about your need to mourn for however long. The Lord will help you. He knows you perfectly and therefore knows just exactly all timing, including the timing of mourning for you. Keep up your good work of working through your pain with Him. Love, Lisa Brothers

 

What was clear to me before, was solidified now on finding out the intricate details of this experience. I knew I had to share this on my blog. It has been one of my Tesslee Treasures. I am so grateful for Lisa and her willingness to search me out and let me know of the details that had been perfectly laid in place just for me.

 

I've also pondered how Heavenly Father has grown to know He can trust Lisa with promptings, using her as a tool to help someone in need, knowing she has the courage to reach out to even a perfect stranger, offering support and compassion. I want to be this way. I want Heavenly Father to know He can count on me to be His hands. This experience has made such an impact on my life. I've been able to lean on this tender mercy many times throughout my grieving process.

I am confident that all of us have been blessed with tender mercies. If we become aware to them, we will find that they are all around us, carefully prepared and placed as reminders of how perfect our Heavenly Father knows and deeply loves each one of us.

How to Make a Grieving Mother Happy

Today I went out to get the mail. There were two cards, nothing that unusual for the season. I assumed they were Christmas cards. They were both from two very special "sisters" I grew up with. I opened them and was surprised to find, not Christmas cards, but "Thinking of You" cards. They each had beautiful handwritten messages, both with checks written out for me to buy fabric for Teeny Tears diapers in memory of my Tesslee and Vick. I cannot think of a better way to show compassion, love and support in mourning than to make such thoughtful donations to an organization that has my whole heart. If Tesslee was here, she would definitely be keeping me busy. Since she's not, I've made a point to busy myself clothing her angel friends that will soon be joining her and offering a keepsake for their families to treasure. It's a way I feel close to my angel babies. So, thank you dear friends for capturing how important these diapers are to me! It lifted my heart that you would find such a meaningful way to show that you care. I am positive that your donation will make a huge impact on the lives of many future angel families. And this makes me so happy.

Surviving

The last 24 hours were filled to the brim with emotion. I cried myself to sleep last night, just so hurt and missing my babies so much. In my sleep I dreamed that everyone in my family went on an outing together. We had been planning for a while. We arrived and went on a path in a cave deep in the earth. We were each able to pick out a treasure to take home. Everyone chose their own unique, beautiful rock. It was so hard to choose. All the rocks were so colorful and glittery. When we got home, we all compared our rocks. It was so exciting to see everyone's special treasure and everyone was so excited to show off the one they had. When my turn came, my glittering rock was nowhere to be found. It was gone, it had disappeared somewhere along the way home. I was devastated. I wanted to show everyone how shiny and beautiful mine was too but didn't have it with me. No one noticed, though. They all had their own special rock to hold that made them happy. I was so puzzled and couldn't figure out what had happened to my rock. It was just gone.

I broke down again in the shower. I've found its the best place to cry. The steam minimizes the evidence of crying. I'm just so tired of holding it together, pretending that I'm okay. Its lonely not having anyone to talk to about Baby Vic's pregnancy. Its hard to accept that his little life is over and done and I am the only one who notices that he is not here. I have only the positive pregnancy stick to prove he existed. How did that happen? How could I have 4 flawless pregnancies, a random cord accident stillbirth of another healthy baby, and then a miscarriage? I'm struggling with the whys and hows and was it my fault? What did I do wrong, am I to blame? What didn't I learn the first time around? Its all so much to take in emotionally, to let these pregnancies just slip away. My faith in pregnancy is lost.

I am trying to figure out all these emotions while carrying on. I was looking in our medicine cupboard for something this afternoon and came across these:

Mike hid them from me when we got home from the hospital. It brought back so many emotions... I had just gotten that big bottle of prenatal vitamins refilled, just in time to find out I wouldn't need a single one any longer.  And there's only 2 more promethazines left in the bottle... I recall just how non functioning I was a year ago. I so wish these prescriptions could've been used up.

Ellee pulled out Tesslee's clothes tonight and wanted to see her little diaper and hold her outfit. I watched the girls unwrap Tesslee's blanket.

I wish I had unwrapped Tesslee's blanket. I wish I had been the one to dress her. I wish I had had my kids come hold their baby sister as soon as she was born, so they could've seen how perfect she was. I wish I didn't care what the nurses had told me about how delicate and fragile her body was. She was dead. What was I afraid of? Its not like I would've hurt her. I wish I turned her over and spent every single second looking at her, the only seconds I would have with her.

The holidays are hard. I am so not there emotionally to celebrate or see all the excitement and merryment. I am struggling with a thankful heart and the 'reason for the season.' I am just trying to get us through it all. I miss Tess so much. I miss being pregnant with Baby Vic so much. I can't wait for this year to be over. There is such heartache at what seems like every turn. I'm weary of trusting and being let down. This year has shaken me to the core. I wish I would've known when we were naively watching Ellee lay in her hospital bed to take it all in and get a good look because I would be broken down to nothing the next two pregnancies. I'm going to bed. It feels good to get this out. Hopefully tomorrow I can start fresh and whole and won't feel so raw.

Miracle

I had another miracle happen that I am so very grateful for. I had a strong feeling a few weeks ago on a Saturday that I needed to get family pictures done as soon as possible. I checked the photographer's schedule and became discouraged that there was one cancellation appointment available for Monday morning, otherwise it was booked out thru mid December. I felt so strongly that I needed to take that Monday appointment and pull family pictures together at the last minute. (That is normally not me. I'm a planner and like plenty of time to make every detail perfect and stress over it.) I surprised myself by booking the appointment, raced to the store to find coordinating outfits for everyone, and ran and got my hair cut all in about three hours. I had no idea what my drive was, but knew I needed to.

Later on that weekend the feeling hit me a couple times that I would miscarry. I dismissed that thought. But as Monday morning came I began lightly cramping and spotting. I felt again I would miscarry. In between phone calls with the nurses and a first prenatal visit, we got our family pictures taken. As soon as we were finished we ran to the hospital and saw our baby on ultrasound. The doctor said everything looked normal and not to lose hope. I got blood work done and came back home. I miscarried the next morning.

I am soooo grateful to have our family pictures! These are the only pictures we have all together with Baby Vic in my tummy. I know I was prompted to get these pictures done in that tiny window of time. I am sure that whomever canceled their Monday morning session was inspired to do so. I am in awe that all these pieces fit intricately together. I see it as a gift from my Heavenly Father who already knew how important that family picture would be to me. This same thing happened a year ago when we were prompted to get family pictures when I was pregnant with Tesslee, too.

*One other special side note, I wondered how sensitive the photographer would be about us incorporating Tesslee Bear into our pictures. The photographer pulled me aside in the middle of the shoot and said how much she loved that we have a Tesslee Bear for our daughter. She shared that her mother passed away when she was young and they always try to include something that represents her mother in their family pictures too. I felt like that was another tiny detail that was no coincidence.*

The more I look for tender mercies in my life, the more I find them.

 

 

The Holidays

I've noticed I've been doing a lot of self-talk lately. This must be a mechanism to get myself through the holidays. I just found myself saying:

I didn't lose two babies. I gained two angels... I didn't lose two babies. I gained two angels... And really, putting all my grief and anger and hurt aside, who wouldn't want an angel or two in their family? There have been times I have felt Heaven, literally, so thick around me. It has melted my sorrow away and I have just sat basking in the spirit, taking it all in and not wanting it to ever leave me.

I need to hold on to these thoughts if I am going to make it through the holidays. So I am just going to continue saying to myself I didn't lose two babies, I gained two angels.


Father, please help me through this.

Pictures

I woke up this morning to myself planning a picture I've been meaning and dreaming of taking for months now. -Back up 8 months ago- After we found out Tesslee was gone I had a day to wait before delivering her. What an absolutely horrible day being pregnant with a baby no longer living. The thought popped into my mind a few times that I should take a belly shot of Tesslee before she was born since I hadn't gotten around to taking any. I dismissed that thought as quickly as it came, knowing I never wanted to see a belly shot of us together ever- it would be much too painful. So I never did.

About four months ago it hit me hard. I was desperate to see a picture of me pregnant with her. And there were none. I had been sick and didn't want any pictures taken of me. I looked everywhere trying to hunt down a picture -even if I was just the background. I had to have one picture of me with my sweet Tesslee alive. I called my sister-in-law to have her check her baby shower pictures to see if there were any with me in the background. Nothing. It is one of my life regrets. I decided the only thing I can ever do to make it up to myself is to take a picture of my future rainbow at 21 weeks holding a sign that says '21 weeks - For Tesslee.' And that has been my plan for months now. I've dreamed of that picture. It's helped me through some of the guilt. It means so much to me.

I was soooo excited to get to 21 weeks with Baby Vic's pregnancy so I could take that picture. I woke up this morning feeling hope for that moment... Oh wait... I'm not pregnant anymore. I forgot that I lost Baby Vic a couple weeks ago. Okay. Close that door. Lets try to reroute that thought. It is such an emotional task to 'undo' a pregnancy in my mind! And those stupid phantom kicks have shocked my heart a couple times yesterday and today. I am let down not only that our rainbow is not a rainbow after all, but also that picture will probably never come to be.
                                                                            
                                                                            *****
I am also very angry at myself for not having the Dr. print off the picture of the only ultrasound I had of Vic. How could I forget that? How could I walk out of that room without that picture, knowing what I feared would happen? I feel like history just repeated itself and it was totally in my hands! I feel like I let myself down again!

So in my attempt to be kind to myself  today, I am pretending that I am 21 weeks along in this picture that I was 24 weeks with Ellee. I hope this makes me feel better.

Surprise Package



 

I was sooo excited to get a package in the mail this week from Jordan Valley Hospital. I couldn't even imagine what it was. I totally ripped it open, hoping it wasn't some kind of extra thick hospital bill packaged in bubble wrap. Inside there was a beautiful glass ornament for the Christmas tree in Tesslee's memory. It came with a Christmas card letting us know they are thinking about us and our angel this holiday season. It also included an invitation to attend their annual memorial service in December for all the patients who passed away this year. What a thoughtful way to mourn and comfort those who are grieving. This is such a beautiful gift and completely brightened my day! I am very excited to attend the memorial service. It feels really good to feel excitement for a change.  

 

 

Thirteen Days

Thirteen Days

For thirteen days you were on my mind.

I dreamed of your cry. I pictured your eyes staring back at me.

I was cauteous with my heart and tried not to let you,

but you preoccupied me.

For thirteen days I spoke to you.

You had a place in our family. We gave you a name.

I began to see the light of a rainbow emerging from the darkness.

You were our little secret. You brought hope to July.

I saw you on the screen.

You were there. You lived.
I could tell when you left.

With my heart breaking, I held you in my hands on the thirteenth day.

I did not give you up easily.

Thirteen days seemed like a lifetime to me.

It was. It was your life time.

  I am grateful to God for allowing me to spend every single moment

of your life, my precious child, with you.

I love you, Baby Vic. Your life was so brief.
Your memory will live in my heart much longer.

In memory of our Victor Port Millward 
miscarried at 6 weeks November 13, 2012

 

Life

I refuse to minimize the miracle of life at its earliest stages. I felt it drawing on me. I felt when it left me. I cannot deny it. Tesslee's experience made me very aware, maybe uncommonly aware of the life growing inside me. I am offended when people try to minimize our loss by expressing, "6 weeks... Well, most people don't even know they are pregnant at that stage." Is that even relevant? I did. We did. We live in a culture that downplays God's intricate handiwork. And I will not. I loved it, I saw it, I held it, it was our baby and I cry over it. I am forever changed.

Mike

I am beyond grateful for my husband, Mike. While sharing the experiences of our angels, grieving for them and helping each other through this, I continue to love him more and more. I used to find the differences in the way husbands and wives think very frustrating. You know... Mars and Venus. I've secretly thought before that our marriage would be a lot happier if he only thought the way I did. Men compartmentalize things, women have everything connected together and it has been very annoying and difficult at times.

The other day, though, something clicked as I witnessed the expertise and blessing of men being able to think in different terms than women. I was having a rough time. Mike was getting ready for work. We talked about what I was feeling and Mike tried to comfort me as best as he could. He expressed that he was hurting, in disbelief, and devastated over the losses of our angels, as well. The heartache was more than I could handle, so I curled up in bed, too overwhelmed to do anything else. Mike turned the light off, shut the door quietly, and told the kids goodbye and to take care of their mom while he went to work. I laid there in bed as I listened to him walk across the porch and out to the car. How was he able to handle these strong emotions of losing our babies, and the next minute be walking out the door to a long and possibly stressful shift at work? What a blessing it has been for me and our family that Mike has been able to continue to provide for our family, and not skip a beat with his responsibilities, although he is crushed inside, too. I'm so grateful for the strength and love he shows.

I love him so much. I love that he is here for me and that he allows me to cry horrid, slobbery cries in his arms. I wish he didn't have to see me at my worst, but am so grateful he is still right here by my side through all of this. He is my soul mate. His hugs are what ease my heartache. Thank you, God, for giving me Mike.

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving was hard to get through. It seemed to start the night before. I realized I didn't have the cream of mushroom soup I thought I did in the pantry, so I took a last minute trip to the store to pick some up. On the way home my heart was so heavy. I couldn't help but remember back to last year when we so happily announced Tesslee over Thanksgiving dinner. Fast forward to this year and I am grieving not only Tesslee, but the loss of our rainbow baby. How did life take such a turn? As I drove home at dusk, I was facing a sky on fire with color. Instantly, I became so angry, which shocked me because sunsets have always made me feel peace. In college I was given a blessing that stated that every time I see a sunset, it's a sign to me from Heavenly Father that He loves me. I surprised myself by snapping, "Don't even think its ok to take two babies from me this year and then paint me a sunset!" I parked the car and cried as the sun went down.

I am grateful to know, as I read a fellow angel mom's blog, that the same sunset offered a lot of comfort to her as she prepared for the Thanksgiving holiday, as well. So in retrospect, I am grateful that God painted it for her and that it offered her some peace at this difficult time of year.

I am really battling getting out of bed each morning. It just seems like so much nicer to stay in bed and hide from the heartache. Surprisingly, cooking a turkey was a huge motivation and I was excited to spend all day with just my family. We had no stress this year to get done at a certain time or be anywhere, which I loved!!! We just took our time preparing dinner and ate when the table was finally set and all the food was out of the oven. It was around 2:30 pm. We lit Tesslee's candle, which is doubling for Baby Vic's candle too until we get another. It was our table centerpiece this year. It felt so good having a place for both our angels at the table with us. We want to include them every year at our Thanksgiving dinner, as anything less wouldn't feel right.

I have a lot of bitterness inside right now. I hope that Heavenly Father will be patient with me while I work through this anger. I will say how lovely it was to spend the whole day lazing around with Mike and the kids. I feel stable and safe with them. They bring me so much happiness. I especially love to sit and watch them interact. Their little comments and teasings are so funny. I am tremendously thankful for them!

... I hope my angels enjoyed their Thanksgiving Day, and that they had a lot of happiness in whatever kept them busy. I'm happy they have each other, and am grateful for the hope that we can be with them again someday.

Church

It's really hard to get myself to church each week. I felt like after miscarrying I had a good excuse to stay home and "miss out" on all the sights and sounds of church. I am aware, that the reason I should be going to church is to partake of the sacrament, I just haven't mastered the art of controlling my emotions that come with all of this yet. I didn't feel stable in the least bit. I checked on my kids one last time before heading to bed and noticed my oldest two had laid out their Sunday clothes without me even mentioning to them it was church in the morning. I specifically hadn't said anything to them about church with the hope that it would slip silently by without one of them asking, "Why aren't we going to church today?" After seeing their clothes laid out, I couldn't disappoint them. So we went to church.

After dropping the kids off to their classes, I was walking down the hall when I noticed a pregnant woman ahead of me. I took a deep breath and continued on my way. As I passed, another woman came up to her and said, "How are you feeling?" "Ughhhh, I can't wait for this to be over!" she said loudly. I could not even believe what I had just heard. My ears started ringing. My heart felt stabbed to the core. I was livid! I just breathed in deeply and continued passing, trying to keep my focus.

Really?! Do you really mean you can't wait for it to be over?!!! Because it can be over in an instant!  Do you not have any idea what a miracle it is to be pregnant and have your baby alive and growing inside? I would give anything to have another day pregnant with my babies!

Buried

I am in disbelief that we buried our second baby this year. What an emotional experience to have to repeat. It was different with Tesslee, though. In the cemetery where the dead are gathered together, I know whats left of her body is safe, and in a respected, reverent place. It was heart wrenching and horrible to determine, with Mike, a resting place for another one of our children. Another one who we created, but never got the chance to know. This was a piece of both of us we were burying, one we thought would bring us so much healing and happiness.

The ground was cold and snow-covered. We decided on a spot that would be beautiful in the coming months. Mike pushed the shovel into the ground. Each time he brought up earth I felt my heart growing heavier. I hate the conversation we had of determining if the hole was deep enough. Parents should never have to have that conversation. It was cold. I was shaky. We said our little goodbyes, and Mike laid the tiny box in the hole. He solemnly covered our baby and our hopes and dreams with earth. We both shed sacred, quiet tears. He filled in the hole, packed the dirt down, and held me. I noticed an orange sunset in the distance. In that moment, I couldn't help but feel we were experiencing (in a very small way) some of the same emotions the pioneers surely felt, as they buried their babies on the prairie. I know they experienced much worse, but I felt a connection. Burying your child yourself in an unmarked grave, hoping it will be deep enough to withstand anything that might dig it up is something no parent should ever experience.

I will leave this post at that since I am realizing there are no words that touch how I feel inside. As we held each other and walked away, Mike said to me, "Just understand if I never bring this up again. It's only because its too painful." I am fine with that. I hope we are never called to repeat this experience again.  

Rhogam Shot

I walked into the room, about to get the shot I am routinely given within 48 hours of delivering a baby. I've had it many times. The nurse briefed me on it, not realizing I was fully aware of the way the thick syrup feels upon entering my upper buttock. She asked, "So do you know what you're having yet?" The question pricked my heart, but it was only a prick. My heart seemed numb and I was grateful. Her large pregnant belly seemed to mock me. I tried to ignore it. I answered her with, "No, I miscarried it yesterday." I waited for any sort of condolence, but there was none given. It hurt, but I could handle it. I was far, far away in my mind recalling the last time, 8 months ago, I was given this shot.

...Mike held me tight as we walked down the hall passing the framed mother & baby pictures that decorated the walls of the labor and delivery floor. I held Tesslee Bear even tighter, that's what she was given to me for, to fill my empty arms. She was a sorry excuse for a baby, but a treasure at the same time. She was doing her job very well. I squeezed her harder. We were almost to the elevator, when our nurse came running and calling us from behind. "Wait! Millwards, don't leave yet! We forgot to give you your Rhogam shot! I'm glad we caught you!" She pulled me into the closest room, had me bare my buttock, and injected the thick medicine into me. This was it. The cherry on top of this absolutely horrifying nightmare. A shot to whisk me on my way. We exited the hospital numbly...

The cold alcohol pad on my skin brought me back to the present. In a second it was done. I find it interesting that I felt nothing this time. There was nothing more to be felt. My heart had reached its capacity of pain for the day, and I am grateful for that. I wonder if I will ever again have that shot after delivering a living baby. But then again, that's what the Rhogam shot is for, to give me the opportunity to have a pregnancy again.

How I Feel

I can't ignore the dark bruises from the bloodwork, I feel them everytime I bend my arms. They are the only things I have left from this baby's first and only doctor appointment. My hip is tender from the rhogam shot. The cramping and bleeding...my deminishing physical remains of this pregnancy. Its hard to deal with. I'm having a hard time accepting that this pregnancy and this baby's life are over. Over before most knew it even existed. But we did. These physical reminders are nothing compared to the way I feel emotionally. I wonder what those wounds would look like if they were visible.

Miscarriage

A few weeks ago I wrote this on one of my support blogs for angel moms:

"I'm glad that I have this place to let some stuff out. I have to admit, I can feel the bitterness creeping in again. Its crazy and I don't understand it. I don't know who I'm mad at, I don't think its God, but I guess I'm not for sure. I'm just mad at the whole situation. I've been really hurt lately that I haven't been able to get pregnant. Although the thought of that terrifies me. I don't even know if I would be a good mom anymore to a newborn. I avoid all things baby like the plague just to stay emotionally stable. Its so hard because Tesslee was decidedly our last baby and I gave away all our boy stuff once we found out Tesslee was a girl, and now that her chapter is over and we are empty-handed, I go back and forth all the time on if I want another baby or not. I think the main reason I do is because I've heard that rainbows heal a lot of that brokenness, and I will do anything to heal my heart. But every time it doesn't happen it just adds to the bitterness. Today I found myself thinking "Well I didn't want a baby anyway." ??????? I think my heart is just so broken. Do you guys battle with bitterness? I just feel so lonely, sad, misunderstood by my family and friends and completely messed up inside."

... I found out I was pregnant later on that night, and discovered my conception and due date months were identical to Tesslee's. I cried and cried nightly for so many reasons I cannot begin to explain. I knew going through this pregnancy would be extremely difficult, reliving the milestones of Tesslee's pregnancy each month. I also knew this was a means of healing and although very difficult, bringing home a baby in July would redeem July for me.

I didn't allow myself to assume I was bringing this baby home. And sometimes at night I told this baby that I was sorry for all the strong emotions it was surely feeling. I tried desperately to relax and take control of my emotions. Although I wouldn't admit it, it really did feel good to feel life living inside me once again: my swollen, tender breasts, the need to eat every couple hours, the intense fatigue, ... I felt this baby drawing on my body and growing. I was growing our family's rainbow baby! It felt so good to have this secret. And then, I noticed something stopped.

Saturday night I felt something was wrong. I could tell my breasts were not tender anymore. I went all night without needing to snack every couple hours. I was immediately alarmed. I felt like its was slipping from me. I had a feeling that this baby would be miscarried. Of course I was only allowing the horrors of a bereaved mom take control of me. Surely God would not allow me to miscarry my rainbow. We had been trying to become pregnant and begin to heal for months now. I never miscarry. I'm healthy. I told Mike what I had noticed about my body. He gave me lots of support and told me to keep my mind in a positive place for this little one.

** I continue to post, with gratitude to the many others who have posted their very personal miscarriage stories for the the public to read. At this point I felt scared and desperate. I googled "miscarriages" and was grateful I was able to gather an idea of what to expect in the following few hours. I hope that sharing these private details of my experience will help another at some point. If you are bothered by my openness, please don't read on.**

Sunday I began to spot. Monday I was spotting heavier and beginning to cramp. I called the doctor's office. They had me come in immediately for my first appointment. My doctor did an ultrasound. I saw our little one with my eyes for the first time. Our beautiful, tiny miracle. The baby was in the right place, and my doctor said everything looked just fine and to not give up hope. He had me do routine blood work and wanted me to return in 48 hours to repeat the blood work to compare it. Seeing my baby calmed me some, but I still could not shake what I felt inside.

Monday night my bleeding increased, severe cramping set in and I went to bed early, knowing deep down what the outcome would be. I was up for hours breathing through burning, intense back cramps and labor-like pains. I don't remember falling to sleep, but I woke up at five in the morning in no pain at all. The cramping had stopped instantly. I was terrified, but rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and felt clots pouring out. I grabbed the plastic cup I had on the counter and looked into the toilet, not wanting to lose my baby in all of it. I couldn't see a sac, just lots of blood and tissue. I wiped, felt a little bewildered, wondered what would be next, and continued to wait.

A couple minutes later I felt something large slide out and plop in the water. I knew exactly what it was. I immediately scooped it out. The entire grayish, whitish sac with my precious little baby was in the cup in my hands. I was shaking, yet felt an intense peace and reverence as I held our little miracle and examined it. I could see the eyes in the head, and an under-developed little body. There was such a reverence. I sat there and talked to it for a long time. I told it how much it was loved, and that I was heartbroken that it was not our rainbow, after all. I cannot put to words the intense feelings and emotions I felt that early morning hour there in the bathroom with my baby. 

After reflecting on experiences of others in my support groups, Mike and I decided we needed to bury our sixth little one. While I slept, he took the kids to the store to pick out a beautiful box to lay the baby to rest in. On the way, he explained to them what had happened. We had not told them I was even pregnant, but after having one angel they know and love, we could not keep the knowledge of this one from them.

Right now, my mind feels numb. Experiencing this has resurfaced a lot of the same emotions I dealt with earlier this year with Tesslee. I am feeling shock and disbelief that I was physically pregnant yesterday, and now I'm just not... again. It is a difficult thing to make my mind believe. I don't believe this has happened again. I am in utter disbelief that I could have 4 perfectly healthy pregnancies without any complications, and then experience a stillbirth and a miscarriage in the same lifetime, in the same year. I find myself battling feelings of anger and deep hurt. I trusted my Heavenly Father with my emotional health in trying for another child, hoping to heal from the last one. I did not feel strong enough to go through another loss right now. I feel let down and abandoned, although I know that could not be possible. I'm hurt beyond words. My Heavenly Father knows how I feel. I have told Him everything. I know He has a plan for me and that He is reshaping me into something better than I was. I hope it makes sense to me sooner than later. I miss this baby of mine with all of my broken heart.

Rainbow Baby

What is a Rainbow Baby?

     "A Rainbow Baby is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of      things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."                                                                     -www.urbandictionary.com
 
     "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
                                                                      ~Courtney,"  -www.babycenter.com




   

Gifts

We went on vacation to California this past week. It was bittersweet for me. I really needed a getaway, and it was so much fun to take our family and see new things, make some memories. But it was difficult at the same time. I continually felt that someone was missing. We took a lot of pictures together as a family. I just wanted to leave a space for Tesslee so bad! My heart felt really heavy.

I feel so blessed. There were two nights that I had beautiful dreams of my baby Tesslee. In the first I dreamed I had more time with her little body. It was perfect and tiny, just as I remember it, only it didn't change. It stayed peach and warm. I could really feel her little body in the blanket exactly as it felt. I just carried it around everywhere, held  her little body to my heart. It made my heart weightless and free. I was so happy. The dream was so real. I can still see the images in my mind.

A couple days later I was blessed with another dream! This time as I looked at her she began moving and crying. She had the most beautiful eyes and they were staring back at me. She began crying. The sound was Heavenly! I just sat there and listened and listened, not wanting to move or jump up to cuddle her, just listening to that beautiful cry I've always longed to hear. I snuggled her in a blanket. She was mine. My very own breathing baby. Tiny and perfect in every single way. I couldn't believe I was having this dream and I didn't want to wake from it. I knew it was a dream in my dream. I just stared at her in awe. She was so beautiful and I didn't want to blink, I wanted to soak in every memory of her that I could.

 My dreams are beginning to be my memories of her. I feel so blessed every time I dream of Baby Tesslee. I love that my arms can still remember the weight of her little body, and the way it felt to hold her. It's so real when I hold her in my dreams. I think of these dreams as gifts from Heavenly Father to soothe my aching heart. I love that they came to me while on vacation.

My Visit

All day I had this longing to be near my baby. Something was pulling me to her. I found a chance to sneak away and visit Tess by myself for a little while. I was excited to spend all the time I wanted with just her and me. I sat in the grass and had a nice talk. I felt so close to her. I'm at peace that she is layed to rest surrounded by family I have known and loved all my life... Baby Marilyn, Grandma and Grandpa Turner, Grandpa and Grandma Great, Truman...  I have so many fond childhood memories here in this cemetery. I feel like I am in my own personal sanctuary. I plucked some of the roses out of her vase and pulled the pink petals off one by one. They were still fresh even though we brought them for her last week. I placed the petals on the ground in circles around hers, Marilyn's and Grandma's graves. I sat and listened to my thoughts and heart. I loved this place so much! I wish I could stay. I miss my little Tesslee.  I long to feel her frog legs kicking me. I can't wait to hold her hand. I dream about what color her eyes are. I'm so excited to see her beautiful eyes open and gazing back at me. It will be Heaven to my heart. Sometimes I watch Kilee and Ellee and wonder if I am staring at what Tesslee looks like too. She looked just like them. I can feel her presence a lot. Its so strange to feel like I know Tesslee so well and recognize when she is near, yet have all the details be a mystery I have to wait for. I like this thought. It feels good to have something so dear to look forward to. This visit was just what my heart needed today.  I feel renewed.

October 15th

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I love having a special day set aside each year to honor all the little ones who had to say goodbye much too soon. Tonight families everywhere celebrated by lighting a candle at 7 pm creating a WAVE OF LIGHT across the world. And, this was probably the most beautiful night Facebook has ever had. It was flooded with pictures and posts of candles burning brightly for our babies. I loved seeing this wave! 

My dear friend Shawnie sent me this picture of the candle they lit for Tesslee. I cannot describe how much it means to me to have others participating with us in honoring Tesslee's memory! Thank you Shawnie with all my heart for remembering my little girl today! It was also Tesslee's 7 month angelversary. The phone calls, texts and messages warmed my heart. Thank you! It really helps to feel so much support from friends and family.

 

Someone I have never met lit a candle for Tesslee and took a picture for me and 191 other angel babies. What a sweet service to angel parents!

 

 

 

 

This was such a special day and I look forward to celebrating it every year. Tesslee, and all your angel baby friends, you are each so loved, desperately missed and will be in our hearts until we are united once again.

Sewing Diapers

Last week our family adopted the Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center in Baltimore as our hospital to provide Teeny Tears diapers for the tiny babies lost there. I was sooo excited to be a part of something that means so much to me! Tesslee was given one of these precious little diapers to wear when she was born. When they brought her to me wearing a diaper, it meant the world that although not alive, she would still be clothed and her little bottom covered. She was cremated wearing her diaper, and we were given another that was identical to the one she wore so we could forever have a little keepsake. I know how much these diapers are treasured by the families that receive them!

Last weekend was General Conference, and I could think of nothing better than to busy our hands while we were listening to our church leaders. The kids loved this idea and were anxious to learn how to make little diapers for other angel babies like their Tesslee.

After tracing the diapers, we cut away as we listened to the speakers. I became teary-eyed as one of them quoted from the scriptures,

"For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked and ye clothed me: ...Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?...
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."  
-Matthew 25:35-40

The thought of making these tiny diapers for my beautiful Savior and future angel families brings so much joy to my heart!

 

I love that my children are so willing and eager to serve these angel babies. They did such a wonderful job cutting so many of them out. Jefferson even mentioned he would like to do something along these lines for his eagle scout project.

 

At one point in the process, which took a couple days, I was having a really difficult evening. The pain of losing Tesslee and all those emotions that come with it began compounding all over again. I sat down at the sewing machine with tears streaming down my face, and began sewing the diapers together. Sometimes I feel so helpless, like I have no control over anything in my life, not my emotions, not my grief, not even being able to do anything to save my baby. I've felt such a loss of control. But as I sat there pushing the fabric through and feeling the power and hum of the sewing machine, I felt like it was the one and only thing I could control; it was my project, and I was making a difference. It was very healing! So I hope the families that receive these diapers can feel the love (and tears) that each one was made with. Being able to serve others this way has helped in my own healing process. I am so excited for the many more batches of diapers there are to come!

 

 

Missing Their Sister Pt 2

I passed Tesslee's shelf today and noticed the sweetest thing. It was filled with rocks, berries, dried-up flowers, and straw the kids have been collecting for Tesslee when they go out to play. What a pure, perfect way the kids are grieving the loss of their sister. Even in their outside playtime she is in their thoughts and they find ways to share their nature treasures with her. I don't see ever getting rid of any of these special items. Let the shelf get as full as it can with their love for Tess.

Recording My Emotions

I recently spoke with a mom who lost her baby girl five years ago. She mentioned how glad she was that I am keeping a blog of all my feelings. She didn't, and now wishes she had her feelings written down along with dates so she could look back at the early stages in her grief and loss. After thinking about this, I decided that I wanted to post something I wrote last week, but never published. Some days I can't stop writing, but it is hard to hit that 'Publish' button and let everyone in the world know what I struggle with. But I also want my blog to be public, in that maybe my honesty can help someone else in their healing. I have spent many late nights reading others' blogs and stories of their losses, and it has been so helpful to realize that I am not alone. There are others out there who understand the same immense pain I do. It's strange that some days are so difficult, and then others I seem to be a lot more stable. The void in my heart is always there, but the deep heartache and emotion comes and goes every few days. I'm grateful for the break when it comes. It has been relieving the last couple days to feel emotions a little less intense than last week...

***************



...Something I struggle with is how people do not understand the extent of my loss. It is so difficult to live with the ignorance of others, and train myself to just let it go. I'm working on that. I am offended when people tell me they are surprised that I am still struggling so much. I struggle multiple times every single day. There is a huge void in my heart that cannot be filled. Of course, I have to function, I have a family who needs me. But I am doing it as I walk around blankly, with everything slowed and muffled. Nothing is as it was before. Even the hymns at church are sung way too fast. It's a task to carry a conversation, especially a deep one. I have to focus hard. My mind is fuzzy. There is really only one thing on my mind most of the time. Every thought I have connects back to Tesslee. And I catch my very patient children repeating "...Mom...Mom look. Mom..Did you hear me?" I hate when that happens. I feel so guilty. I can put on a good show for a while, but it drains me. Just the little things that used to come so natural are overwhelming. And people make me feel like my behaviour is alarming and unusual. You know what? I have been told that I am completely normal! My actions and my feelings are right on target for what I have experienced. I don't think there is anything that goes more against nature than a baby dying. It's not something that is ever gotten over, and especially not in months' time. It offends me (which I am trying to work through) when people ask Is she still having a hard time? I wish I could give these people just a peak into my heart and mind so they would give me a break or some leeway as I discover how to navigate my way through this new life.

Regrowth

Around four months after having a baby, my hair begins to shed, and I mean SHED. It's out of control. And it used to scare me, until a stylist told me it is normal and happens to a lot of women after childbirth. Regrowth hairs have always been a nuisance and something I've despised about pregnancy. I've even begrudgingly planned bang hairstyles during certain stages of regrowth because I was so irritated with all the little wispies and owl horns sticking out.

A lot has happened I didn't expect would ever happen to me. I didn't expect that I would have a baby, and then not get to take my baby home. I didn't expect my milk to come in days later, why would it? My baby didn't need it. That seemed beyond cruel. I also didn't expect my hair to fall out months after. To me, those things all fell in the category of "Things you don't have to go through because your baby dies." Well, that category doesn't exist. Everything's the same, the only difference is your baby is missing from the picture. But I'm finding out something beautiful can happen when deprived of what you so desperately desire. Things I once complained about and never noticed the beauty in, are things I now cherish. I found myself welcoming my hair loss and regrowth! I was overjoyed to see actual evidence of my sweet Tesslee's life (that I miss so much!) still lingering inside my body. I love the regrowth my daughter has given me! I love to see proof that she lived, and I was her mother, everytime I look in the mirror.

Everyday as I do my hair, I smile at all my little wispies and my owl horns on the sides of my forehead. I treasure each one of those strands and hope they grow slowly. In fact, I wish I could keep them forever. I'm grateful to see things differently. What's funny is, I didn't know I was blind before, but now I see. It's a blessing to be able to enjoy the little things. Tesslee, thank you for changing me. My life is richer than it ever was, because you shared yours with me.

Interesting Article

An interesting article was recently posted on KSL titled Child's Death May Increase Chance of Mother's Fatality. Here is the link. The article brought to mind a question I've been hearing lately, now that some time has passed: Why is she still having such a hard time? This article and the comments posted shed some light and offer validation as to why I am still having a hard time.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with October 15th being the day set aside nationally to honor all babies gone too soon. I have been looking forward to experiencing this month with the new meaning Tesslee has given October. I hope to bring awareness to these precious little ones, and to the depth and extent of grief that is attached to infant and pregnancy loss. It is greatly underestimated. It affects so much more, and is felt so much longer than many people realize.

Missing Their Sister

I've had a few people ask how the kids show their grief, and I think it's important to have this recorded. It will be good to look back and see the different ways each of them grieve.

Jefferson is pretty private, and doesn't say a lot, but he is very sentimental, and I know that even though he doesn't say much, he thinks about his little sister, often. The night we came home from the hospital we were looking at her pictures all together on the couch, and I glanced over at Jefferson. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was trying to cry quietly. It broke my heart. We all held each other and had a good cry and chat about how crying is okay. The hospital gave us a book to read with the kids called Sad Isn't Bad. It was the perfect time to read it. Jefferson is really into collecting Pokemon cards. And every now and then he brings me a card and tells me he will never trade this one because it reminds him of Tesslee. One card had the Pokemon's stats on its height said 8 inches tall. He said it was really special to him because that's how big Tesslee was. Also, out of the blue one day he brought me a measuring tape that was pulled out 8 inches and asked why we didn't let him come to the hospital and hold Tesslee. (When Tesslee was born, we thought a lot about whether we would have the kids come or not. She was perfect, but began to discolor and change rapidly. We decided to just show them pictures of her, since what they were expecting their baby sister to look like was not what she would look like by the time they got there.) Sometimes I wonder if it would've been a good thing for the older kids to hold their baby sister. I know I can't look back.

Kilee talks about Tesslee all the time. She draws pictures at school and saves them to take to Tesslee's grave, she always includes Tesslee in our prayers. She dreams about Tesslee. She's mentioned that she really wishes she could've held Tesslee, too. Kilee has told me more than once that she hopes we don't have any more babies. I was shocked that she would say such a thing, because she loves babies so much and was so excited to have Tesslee. I think she is afraid of losing another baby. She had some big plans for herself, Ellee and Tesslee, and she has had to change those plans. Kilee was very excited that all the girls would share a room. We have had Kilee's and Ellee's baby pictures displayed on her dresser and it was really important for her to go the store and pick out a picture frame that could hold all three of the girls' pictures. It was fun taking Kilee there and choosing a fancy picture frame. I think it is good for her to have a picture of them all together. She also saved her money and bought a poster for Tesslee. She hung it right by her bed.  Tonight Kilee did something really cute. She made us all name tags for our places at dinner. She set a place for Tesslee, too. It was so special.

Caden is very tender-hearted. He tells me a couple times a day that he can't wait any more to see his baby sister and that she will be so cute!!! There have been a few times that it just becomes too much and he breaks down and cries, but it is a cry that he tries to hold in, and can't, and it sounds like he is hyperventilating. It is so very precious and heart-breaking at the same time. It hurts me so much to see him cry. When this happens I just scoop him up and hold him and tell him it's okay if he needs to cry, and that I miss her so much too, and someday we will have her again. Cade remembers Tesslee in every prayer. He asks Heavenly Father that she will be safe in Heaven. He also loves to sleep with her baby blanket, which is hard for me to part with, but every now and then I let him have it for the night. Whenever we pass the cemetery, Cade always reminds us to say hi to Tesslee. It's something we do every time now, (even if I'm in the car by myself) we always say hi to her.

I wondered if Ellee, being so young, would show signs of grieving. I am becoming more aware everyday that she knows more than we realize. Sometimes out of nowhere she will say "It's so sad, Tesslee died, Its sad." I think she understands death more than most 2 year olds. Right after Tesslee died, some little kittens she loved to hold died too. So now she associates "Tesslee died. Kitties died. Its sad." I wonder what "died" means in her mind. I think to her it signifies that they went away, or she can't see them anymore. Tesslee is still a very common part of Ellee's daily life, though. She always asks to hold Tesslee's empty outfits, and I let her as much as she wants. She rocks and cuddles them and kisses where Tesslee's face would be. She loves babies so much. Ellee is very sensitive to me, and shows a lot of concern and really is aware of when I am hurting. I think showing concern for me is a way she grieves and lets me know she understands and feels this too.

I'm learning so much about grieving. I wish that I could take my children's pain and sadness away! But I know that it is important that they feel what they are feeling, and do what they need to do, and that they don't bottle their emotions up. I want my kids to know that I understand that they suffered their own significant loss of their sister. I love my children so much, and whatever they need to do to work through their individual grief, I am here for them.

Wounds

**I feel very vulnerable sharing my weakness in this post. Please know it is not intended to hurt feelings. This blog is my safe place to release my pain and help myself work through my grief.**

A few weeks ago, I sliced my toenail halfway down really deep on a water slide. It was so painful. I couldn't wear a shoe for quite a while. I was grateful it was summer and flip-flops were my regular foot attire. After I bandaged it, I noticed right away how many times my kids step on my toes, how many times I kneel and put pressure on the tops of my feet, how many times the muscle in my toes flex when I walk, and how much air goes whooshing over my toes. Every single thing I did was so painful! And all the little things that happen to feet that normally go completely unnoticed were extremely magnified. I became painfully aware of something I had never noticed before. After avoiding shoes, running, and carefully choosing what I exposed my toe to, the cut was able to close and begin to heal. I am still careful with my toe, and the toenail will need time to regrow, but it is making progress, and isn't as painful as it first was.

I have another deep wound. My heart is broken and hurts every minute of every day. And everywhere I go, there are conversations, and reminders that bump and rip open the scab that is forming on my wounded heart. The amount of times that pregnancy and babies come up in conversation goes unnoticed until it is something you are sensitive to. Like with my toe, I am astonished at how even the air whooshing by, can sometimes be a painful reminder on my open wound. Clarifying this, it doesn't cause me pain to talk about my baby. And I love to hear others say her name. Sadly, she is not spoken of enough. Being around very pregnant women and babies is what often stirs up emotion.

I am angry that I had to carry and give birth to a precious baby I don't get to raise. I loved her so much and wanted her to live so badly!!! I feel so cheated!!! Its so hard to go to activities with so many babies around and not have my baby in my arms. It's so hard to be left out of that when I gave birth to a baby, too. I see new moms enjoying and showing off their babies, snuggling them, and I just want to scream; I am really struggling right now with having empty arms. I can go home and squeeze and pretend to burp Tesslee Bear, or wrap my Ellee up, cradle and rock her all I can, but it doesn't stop the pain. I miss my baby girl so much!

It's very difficult for me to be around people who have not grieved the loss of a baby, yet have such high expectations of me. It's hard for me to be around people who do not ask how I'm doing anymore, because it's been long enough in their terms. Or those who ask, but don't really have the time to listen as I answer their question. I've noticed that I am beginning to withdraw from those I don't feel completely support me. I need unconditional love right now, I need acceptance. I need to know that even in my weakest moments, when I feel too weak to be around what was ripped from me, that it is alright, I am still loved, and I am enough- just as I am. I need to know that I can have all the time it takes to heal my heart.

Dream

Last night I had a dream. In it was our white crib, all set up and ready for baby. I was so excited to see it, picture perfect, just as every mother imagines her new baby's bed to be. I peered inside. To my horror it was filled with mud. Mud was everywhere, all over the beautiful, clean, blankets. I began frantically trying to clean it up. No matter how hard I scrubbed, the mud came back and filled the crib even more. The blankets were stained and dirty. I woke up frightened, my heart racing. I sat in bed, thinking, even in my dreams I can't escape it. How do I heal these deep, emotional wounds? This is something I need to figure out.

Emotional

I am supposed to be taking a test right now for my Economics class, but there is no way I can focus on that when my heart hurts like this. I'm not sure what I will end up writing, but I'm going to type my pain away so I can get a good grade on my test.
 
I am so weary of having such strong emotions at any given time! Mostly anger, anger like I've never felt before. The kind that has to destroy something. I wish I had a punching bag or had a room I could lock myself in and kick and throw stuff and cry my eyes out until I felt better.

I wish I was stronger, that I wouldn't feel like that, I wish that I could just accept and be at peace that my baby is not going to be with us. I wish I could hold my baby again. I miss her so much. I miss that whole little life. I'm so glad Ellee let me wrap her in a blanket and rock her while I sang a lullaby. It feels good to hold my Ellee in my arms like a baby, although she barely fits. I close my eyes and kiss her sweet knuckles. I dream what it would be like to kiss Tesslee's.

I wish I could stay in my house forever with my family and laugh and play games and watch movies and never leave. I hate that I have to prepare my mind whenever I leave my house and hope I am strong enough to get through all the stings that prick my heart in a single trip to the grocery store.

I look at Mike and the kids and desperately hope that I have another day with each of them. I love them so much. They could be taken away in a second. I have been blessed to have so much time with each of them. Not enough, though. There is no "It always happens to someone else" anymore. We have become that someone else, and I'm scared there is more to come.

I'm so sick of people wondering why I am having hard days, like I'm really going to be over my child dying or something. I'm sick of people implying that since my baby wasn't full-term it shouldn't hurt as much, ... like she was any less loved than my other kids? Seriously? A premature baby is just as loved as any other child. A child is a child. I love each of my children with all my heart, and I will never get over my sweet baby dying. Ever. I know people mean well, I have to remind myself they just don't know.

Its so hard to feel anger, sadness, peace, gratitude, love, more anger, numbness, shock, fierce anger, desperation, fear, loneliness, and heartache continually, while being expected to function normally and laugh and carry on conversations and pretend I'm not dead inside. A part of me died with my baby. I'm trying to work my way through and be at peace with not having Tesslee with us. This is definitely a journey.

It's really hard for me to watch the world keep on going like nothing ever happened, when my heart feels so stunned. I feel so shaken. There is a deep void in my heart. It's been six months.

How long am I going to feel like this? Is this normal for a grieving mom? I wonder. Its hard for me to feel like such a continual nut case! I used to be on top of things.

We took a much needed drive up the canyon the other evening. It was so refreshing to leave all my emotions in the valley and walk through nature and enjoy the beautiful mountain peaks and the fall leaves and crisp air. I could not believe how vibrant the colors are this year! I wish we could've stayed up there. It was so refreshing to get away.

Ok, now I'm going to go take my test.

Aware

It's been an emotional few days. The pain of others jumps out at me. It is everywhere. I watched a mother cat as she tried to protect her kitten, but could not. I noticed how concerned she was for her baby's safety. I know that pain. My heart broke... I layed awake thinking of the angel mom giving birth to her second angel the other night. I hurt for her... I am aware of the pain of living daily as the odd one out. There are many, in many different situations who feel lonely, too... I could barely get through a chapter in Economics that discussed the pregnancies of slave mothers. 35% ended in miscarriage or stillbirth. I read that statistic over and over again, and my heart was ripped out. I cannot imagine the pain these women silently endured... The friend who is battling breast cancer, and now brain cancer... The child uncomfortable at school because they were made fun of... The struggling families we are collecting cans of food for...

I look "normal" on the outside, but inside I am fragile. How many people I come in contact with each day are faking smiles and trying so hard to keep it together, too? For all of you, my heart breaks. I cry at night for you. I am with you, I wish you did not have to suffer. If only I could ease your pain.

Going through this has made me a better person. I thought I had compassion before losing Tesslee. But having to fight every minute to stay afloat for months is forging an understanding of compassion I could never have developed otherwise. I am grateful for this gift. While I continue to battle my emotions daily and learn to accept a different life plan than what I had in mind, I am hopeful that Heavenly Father has an even greater plan for me than I could ever have imagined. That is the plan I want for my life, and I am on my way.

 "Shew me thy ways, O Lord;

teach me thy paths.

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:

for thou are the God of my salvation,

on thee do I wait all the day."

                                            

                                             - Psalms 25: 4-5

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months without Tesslee, and this milestone brought with it a range of emotions. Its hard not to think what I should be doing right now... propping pillows behind her back as she begins to sit on her own, enjoying the attention everyone just can't help but give her, and lugging her car seat around everywhere I go. I'm desperately trying to keep my mind from wandering. But as it continually happens, I take a deep breath, and try to bury it in my thoughts...again. Curse you, Life, for leaving my baby behind! It seems like only yesterday, but it has already been a half a year, a half a year.

I'm very torn inside. I don't want my human-ness and grief to define her milestones. I really wanted this day to be a celebration of where Tesslee is right now, that she's been in a beautiful place for six months. That she is not sad, and is not my baby waiting around in Heaven for me to hold her. I know she is very busy in a glorious place, a place she would never wish to leave.

 It's hard to experience all of these emotions and thoughts in the same day, in the same minute. I knew that I needed to be kind to myself, so I bought myself a remembrance candle, one that reminded me of Tess. Having a flame burning in her honor brought a lot of warmth to my soul as I watched it dance and glow for my angel.

I have been very blessed to have such a supportive family, and this blog has helped me to remember that. I seem to forget it quickly. Yesterday family surprised me, again, by showing so much compassion and sensitivity to what I might be going through.

My sisters got together earlier in the week and planned a special dinner for our family, incorporating all of our favorite foods together into one meal- so creative. BBQ chicken, potato bar, sushi, lasagna, grilled cheese sandwiches, broccoli, and fruit snacks, complete with bubblegum-flavored cupcakes (fabulous!) and bubblegum ice cream for dessert, in honor of Tesslee's bubblegum addiction.

It was so very sweet of them to treat our family to such a yummy, thoughtful dinner. And they were so right, cooking dinner was far from my mind. To have each of our favorite foods represented was such a fun way to eat a meal. It really turned it into a celebration and a fun memory. Afterward, we spent some time with Tesslee and took her flowers and a note.

Acknowledging this milestone more as a 1/2 birthday really helped me get through what could've been a really hard day. After I got home, I checked my email, and found that my brother had written me a beautiful message acknowledging Tesslee's six month mark, and the special angel she is to our family. He also mentioned that Adeline, Tesslee's baby cousin, wore purple today just for Tess. It meant so much to me!

I went to bed feeling at peace and very grateful for the beautiful angel in my life, as well as the wonderful, caring family I have. A big Thank You to all my brothers and sisters for helping me through this milestone.