A Love Note to my Victor

On this night, last year, I found out I was pregnant with you, Victor. ♥  For the first few days, I battled such anxiety, grief and anger. My confidence in myself was shot. I was terrified that I was again on a pregnancy journey, and all I could think about was how desperately I missed Tesslee. I only wanted to finish the journey with her. It felt wrong to be moving onto carrying another child. I felt this rage unlike anything I'd felt before, that if I would be able to keep you, I wanted no visitors at the hospital, no pictures posted, no announcing, none of it. If Tesslee wasn't received that way, no one deserved to share in the joy of you, either. I also felt extreme guilt for having such strong emotions, knowing that your father and I had been hoping for you for such a long time.

I knew you could feel all of these emotions. Surely, rainbow babies come prepared to handle the grief they must bear along with their mother throughout pregnancy. Because of this, I became deeply attached to you. I remember each night lying in bed trying to send you peace and give you a break from the way I felt. I always felt you were a boy. I shared my deepest emotions with you, trying to envision a new pregnancy with a new baby, and attempting to restore hope that we would raise you. I was in tune with every single thing my body did and felt. At every tinge of pain I wondered what you were thinking and feeling. Were you dying or living? Growing? What about your umbilical cord? Would it nourish you or take your life? All that mattered was that I was carrying you, and it felt so good to have a sliver of thrill that another child was with us.

 I love that a year out I am finally comfortable recording this. I can see the progress now. I cherish these feelings, the anger, the guilt, the love, they are all what forged our bond. When I relive them in my mind I feel close to that short time I was blessed to carry you. It's hard to believe one year has passed. For the next 13 days I am going to live my life to the fullest for you, my little Vick. I'm going to smile and remember the time we shared together.

All my love, Mom   

Tesslee's Gift Card

For Tesslee's first birthday, a bunch of my sisters and mother in-law gave me a gift card to a spa. It was such a kind gesture. It has also been difficult to think of ever using it. I have kept it in my journal now for 7 months, feeling like if I used it I was in some strange way cashing in on my daughter's death. Well, the opportunity arrived to use the gift card for a special occasion that is coming up. It finally felt right to use it, so I went to the spa and got a pedicure, all the time thinking that I was doing this in memory of my daughter and in some way she was treating me to a relaxing pedicure.

As I was enjoying my pedicure, one of Tesslee's songs came on: If I Die Young, by The Band Perry. This song has always been favorite, full of so much passion, but it wasn't until Tesslee died that I realized just how grief-filled the words were:


"Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"

Those words capture me every time I hear them. They are even my ring tone.

I sat there in the chair, and this song came on and immediately I knew Tesslee was with me enjoying our pedicure together, although I could not see her. She knew how significant this milestone was for me in spending her first birthday gift. I had the chills. I knew it was a sign from her.

As I was driving home thinking about that special moment we had together, another song came on the radio, our song Let Her Go, which I wrote about in the previous blog. It was so deliberate, and so special to hear it tonight. I felt so loved and close to her that she would communicate with me this way letting me know she is aware of what I'm doing in her memory and that she is with me. That song ended, and I felt blessed to have heard those 2 beautiful songs on our birthday date. The very next song brought me to tears. It was the third song that I associate with Tesslee, A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri. This song was the first song that spoke to me when I finally began listening to the radio after Tesslee died. It touched my heart so deeply, as every agonizing day we were apart was also one step closer to the day I would see her again. That thought kept me going on the really bad days.

"Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall...
 

One step closer

 I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

 

One step closer

 I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more...

 One step closer"

                                   - A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

 

I feel so loved and heart-warmed that Tesslee would give me these three songs as a sign tonight that she was there with me. What a beautiful angel I have been blessed with! The day I meet her in person will be one of the happiest days of my existence. And it was a really special thing to spend Tesslee's birthday gift while she was near. I had a hard time handing the gift card over. It had caused me a lot of anxiety the past months, and to part with it was strange. But it turned out to be such a beautiful gift and to be able to spend it with Tesslee was the greatest gift of all. ♥

 

 

Letting Her Go

I was listening to the radio while we were waiting for my son's football game to start and the most beautiful song played. It hit me so hard that I scrambled for a pen. The lyrics were describing exactly how I feel lately about my Tesslee.

"Only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you're high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

and you let her go." - Passenger

It stuck with me all day, and I felt almost this connection with Tesslee. It's like this understanding between us that this new threshold in my grief of moving forward and beginning to put the pieces of life back together may seem as though I'm moving on to most, but between Tesslee and I we both know this is only a new page in our book. I am beginning to let her go. I'm beginning to embrace this new me, this new life, and I'm going to be OK whether I believe it sometimes or not. This has not been an easy week. And it hurts when the ones you love the most can't understand where you are when you feel you need them the very most. But with or without them being able to understand, life has proven to go on and I am beginning to be strong enough to bear this burden. This song represents all these thoughts that have been weighing in my heart lately. And I know Tesslee knows them too as she's seen me struggle, change my focus and create a game plan to get myself through until we are reunited.

Tonight I looked up the info on this song. It was no surprise to me when I saw the release date. July 2012. The month that will always be tender for us, Tesslee's due date.

Sometimes angels guide us to things that give us a seal that it came from them. A little "Hi, Mom, I know you are struggling and it seems that no one can relate to the pain you feel in your heart, but I know you are hurting, and that you find comfort in music, and this song is for us and our relationship. I am with you still. Smile when you hear this song. It's our song."

Passenger- Let Her Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

PTSD

I have really struggled to gain control over the PTSD. A few days ago our community experienced a devastating loss of a child the same age as my oldest son. It is so tragic. Knowing my experience after losing my babies, my heart has gone numb the last few days as I've mourned in my heart for the loss of this family's son. My son's football team has chosen to dedicate the rest of the season to their peer. They have each put his name on their helmet. It is very touching and raw at the same time. What a difficult road lies ahead for the family and all who knew him. It has thrown me back a few steps in my healing process.

I woke up last night in a sweat and panic. I dreamed all my kids were dying one at a time. One stepped out of our car and was immediately hit by an oncoming car as I watched. I was then at the gas station filling up my car (we were sitting on top of the car, ???) and another child slid off the car and down a cliff. My husband reached to grab him and also slid off. They were all just gone, each right before my eyes in ways I had no control of. I'm very thankful to have just visited with my bishop and have some new ways of regaining control over what trauma has left me with.

I sat up, took some deep breaths and tried to clear my mind and slow my racing heart down. All I could see were pictures of my kids replaying their deaths over and over. I stopped those thoughts right there. Done. Redirected them. I am here in my bedroom at home. My children are with me. They are alive. We are ok. We are safe. The images again tried to take control. I stopped them. told myself it was only a dream. I am here. We are safe. My children are alive. I can do this. This is reality. Only peace. Peace.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can change my thought process. I am in control. I am strong-willed. I have experienced pain beyond comprehension and am healing. I can do this. I can choose what I think about. I can choose what I want my heart to feel. I know what Tesslee and Victor are doing and they are fulfilling their plans. I am happy they are there. I have celestial children. They are happy. I choose to be happy.

I will beat PTSD.

Angel Dream

A couple weeks ago I had the most vivid, beautiful dream that has stayed with me clearly, without fading. I can still see it as it was in my mind many days ago.

We were all missing Tesslee so greatly, and had her casket in our possession. It was in real time so it had been 18 months that we had said goodbye to her. We couldn't bear it any longer. I opened her casket as the family stood around me. (And this was no gory thing. In our minds this was such an exciting moment to see with our own eyes our beautiful baby who had been preserved in memory only for so long. We were all fully expecting to see bones and ashes.) To my surprise when I peered into the casket there was a beautiful, blonde haired toddler laying perfectly preserved. We were shocked. We then had a conversation asking How could she be so large if she was dead? She HAD to be alive! She was alive! Just then she "awoke" and sat up. Her beautiful clear blue eyes are still etched in my mind. I cannot describe the beauty. She stared at me and smiled, and took my breath away. She didn't speak, just spoke with her eyes the same way her expression spoke to me as I held her little body in the hospital. No words were even needed. It was the most beautiful surreal moment. I took in every curl of her golden yellow locks, and every second as her eyes were fixed on me, and every ounce of her beautiful smile.

This dream has given me so much hope, hope I have lost track of for a long time. That sacred, amazing day when I am reunited with my daughter and can experience babyhood as a mother again will be my greatest joy. My heart does flips trying to comprehend the joy I will feel.

Wishing for another night with my baby girl in my dreams. I live for those moments.