To Tesslee

     A couple days ago was my due date. I knew July would be difficult, but I felt pretty good and collected this morning. Grief hit me from behind tonight as I was reminded again of where I would be right now, what I would be doing, and who I would be cuddling had everything worked out how I expected it would. I just feel so homesick to hold my baby girl! After returning home from the hospital I wrote some thoughts down in my journal, and this is what it turned into...

To Tesslee

Oh, the agony of you Sleeping in my arms

Trying to memorize every one of your

perfect, little features

Knowing this is the only time these mortal eyes

will have with you, my precious child

 

I ache thinking what your little fingers will not hold

And long to hear your cry

It would be joyous music in this silent room

My heart breaks that the world

will not meet you, and love you as I do

A wave of comfort settles over me

as I gaze into your peaceful, still face

It tells me everything, silently

Assuring me, You are not Lost

You have a great mission elsewhere

This was the plan

And because of our Beautiful Savior

I will again hold you in my arms

 

So until then, my Little One, I will wait

With a promise to you

This gift I hold so dear in my heart

will keep me striving each day to live worthy

to be with you

until the day I cradle you in my arms again

 

I will see you in The Morning, my Tesslee

Love Forever, Mom

     I like reading this. It gives me comfort and reminds me of the feelings I had at Tesslee's birth.  One of the hard things about this trial for me is keeping an eternal perspective and pushing aside my motherly desires to be with my baby. It used to be a minutely struggle. Now it seems to be turning into an hourly struggle, so that is hopeful. I guess that means I am beginning to heal a little.