I've had so much going on in my head lately. This week was a rough one! My husband's parents came home from their mission this week because of a birth in the family. My mother-in-law is one of my best friends. It was so very bittersweet for me to have them here visiting, though, because earlier this year they were coming home in July for Tesslee's birth, too. And not having seen them for so long, this was something I had soooo been looking forward to for many months. Knowing they were coming home to see only one of the two grand babies was such a heart break for me. We had announced our pregnancies on the same day last Thanksgiving, and it has been such a difficult thing to drop out of that happiness. I skipped out on a few of the gatherings this week, it was just too much to bear.
I've been in such an angry place lately. So angry that I have not been able to pray. Well, I do, but I just find myself telling God how angry I am. So, I'm not sure that counts as praying. I haven't asked God for help, I haven't wanted any help. I've just been angry.
I told my husband how I wish I could talk to his mom now when I feel like I need her most, but I didn't think it was right to share with her what I'm going through emotionally lately, especially when she is a missionary. She doesn't need that. But he reminded me that of all people, she is probably the one I should be talking to because of the mantle she bears right now as a representative of Jesus Christ. I really felt like he was right. So she came over to have some much needed mother/daughter time.
I am sooo grateful she did! She walked in and brought such a wonderful spirit with her. After spending an hour sharing and crying together, I realized something. I had been telling her about all these thoughts that cross my mind a lot... how when I see a mother holding a baby the thought enters my mind, She did something right and her baby is here, you failed. or You weren't strong enough to get your baby here... or the rare time when I find the strength to hold a baby, I later feel like I betrayed Tesslee by holding the baby. When I get these thoughts, I know immediately that they are not true, but hearing them all the time wears on me, and I soon find myself heavy, full of guilt and sorrow.
As I was sharing this with her, I felt so strongly that these negative thoughts I've been having are the adversary and his followers playing on my circumstance, trying as hard as they can to whisper these untruths to me and drag me down so I will forget the beauty I've seen and felt while enduring this trial. They want me to fail. They want me to be depressed and lonely, and inconsolable. It made so much sense. My mom then shared her testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that my Savior has already experienced this deep pain, and bore it for me and if I will let Him, He will carry this heavy burden for me, through the power of the Atonement.
I felt immediate peace and warmth as she shared this, like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was this intense peace that instantly replaced the intense pain I had grown so used to. It felt so relieving and warm and happy all at the same time, and I knew it was true. I just needed to be reminded. She said that one of the Apostles recently visited her mission and shared with the missionaries how he keeps a picture of the Savior with him always, and when something comes up that he doesn't think he is strong enough to do, he pulls that picture of Jesus Christ out of his pocket and looks at it, and it gives him strength to do what is asked of him. My mom handed me a stack of pictures of the Savior, and told me to place them around the house and to carry one with me always, and when I feel like the burden is too great, pull out the picture and remember the way I feel right now. Jesus Christ will strengthen me, and will carry me through this.
I am so grateful that my mom was able to come home from her mission this week. I feel like it has blessed me so much, and her visit and strong testimony was just the reminder I needed this week. I feel so much stronger. I feel peace, and most of all, that anger I was growing so used too is gone and replaced with pure love.
I need my Savior. I can't do this alone. But I can do anything with Him by my side. And I'm beginning to realize that He is always here, ready, waiting for me to come to Him so that He can lift me up and carry this burden He already experienced for me, so long ago. I am and will always be forever grateful to my Savior.
Thank you for sharing this. I want to have a picture of the Savior in my wallet, too. And one each for my boys. Such a good idea.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong. I hope you always remember that. I've always looked up to you. I appreciate you sharing your testimony through writing. You have such a sweet spirit.