Tender Mercy

This post is for myself to look back on and be reminded when the hard moments hit. Because once I record this sweet experience, I know I will be tried.

Over the past four months it has been difficult to stand aside, empty-handed, as many of my sisters have completed their pregnancies and have brought home beautiful, healthy bundles of joy, with the majority of them being baby girls. While I am happy for them, at times it has seemed more than I can bear, and I have felt as though the universe is mocking me and dumping salt into my deeply pierced heart. I have found myself thinking, Really? This is the year I lose my baby girl? The year so many baby girls arrive in my family? Why this year... this summer? There are plenty of 'off years' when no babies are born. God is laughing and seeing just how hard He can make this for me.

 As I visited with my mom today, she gave me a few of the older Ensign magazines, to look through, before she discarded them. After a long day and the kids were tucked into bed, I picked up one of them began browsing casually through it, not fully expecting to find something of comfort, but hoping to be distracted.

The article I turned to was titled, My Mission Was Cut Short, by Lisandra Brothers. It looked interesting, and that's exactly how I feel with my pregnancy, so I began reading, and instantly knew this article was meant for me to read this exact night. A paragraph jumped out at me as I began and I felt as though I had written it myself:

"It is difficult not to be able to finish the full length of your mission. You wonder about the things that could've been, the things you missed. For many years I could not shake the feelings of sorrow and yearning for the experiences I might have had otherwise."

The article goes on to tell a story of how a sister missionary had passed away on her mission and the mission president spoke at her funeral, saying that he "didn't know that the Lord had any apologies to make. She was His, and if He felt like calling her away like that, it was His affair." I felt like those words were speaking just to me. The mission president next explained that the Lord was aware this would happen and had placed another sister missionary there only days before to continue the missionary work.

The writer then stated, "I realized that... the Lord knew well beforehand what would happen and had prepared additional sisters to take our places." After reading this, something in my heart softened and in my mind I immediately saw the faces of my sweet little nieces. Instantly, I understood the great gift my Father had blessed me with this summer, yet had been unaware of until now. Heavenly Father has not been mocking me. He is taking care of me in the most needed way. He is making this trial as easy as He possibly can for me, if I will just trust Him. The words I once felt my sweet Tesslee whisper to me filled my mind again, "Trust in the Lord and see what sweetness comes from this."

What I originally took as salt being poured into my open wound, has turned into an understanding that my Heavenly Father is deeply mindful of my pain and broken heart. I feel as though He is saying to me, I needed yours back, but I am placing four precious, little girls around you to bring comfort and fill your empty arms throughout the years. "...Be still [my daughter] and know that I am God." (D&C 101:16)