Wounds

**I feel very vulnerable sharing my weakness in this post. Please know it is not intended to hurt feelings. This blog is my safe place to release my pain and help myself work through my grief.**

A few weeks ago, I sliced my toenail halfway down really deep on a water slide. It was so painful. I couldn't wear a shoe for quite a while. I was grateful it was summer and flip-flops were my regular foot attire. After I bandaged it, I noticed right away how many times my kids step on my toes, how many times I kneel and put pressure on the tops of my feet, how many times the muscle in my toes flex when I walk, and how much air goes whooshing over my toes. Every single thing I did was so painful! And all the little things that happen to feet that normally go completely unnoticed were extremely magnified. I became painfully aware of something I had never noticed before. After avoiding shoes, running, and carefully choosing what I exposed my toe to, the cut was able to close and begin to heal. I am still careful with my toe, and the toenail will need time to regrow, but it is making progress, and isn't as painful as it first was.

I have another deep wound. My heart is broken and hurts every minute of every day. And everywhere I go, there are conversations, and reminders that bump and rip open the scab that is forming on my wounded heart. The amount of times that pregnancy and babies come up in conversation goes unnoticed until it is something you are sensitive to. Like with my toe, I am astonished at how even the air whooshing by, can sometimes be a painful reminder on my open wound. Clarifying this, it doesn't cause me pain to talk about my baby. And I love to hear others say her name. Sadly, she is not spoken of enough. Being around very pregnant women and babies is what often stirs up emotion.

I am angry that I had to carry and give birth to a precious baby I don't get to raise. I loved her so much and wanted her to live so badly!!! I feel so cheated!!! Its so hard to go to activities with so many babies around and not have my baby in my arms. It's so hard to be left out of that when I gave birth to a baby, too. I see new moms enjoying and showing off their babies, snuggling them, and I just want to scream; I am really struggling right now with having empty arms. I can go home and squeeze and pretend to burp Tesslee Bear, or wrap my Ellee up, cradle and rock her all I can, but it doesn't stop the pain. I miss my baby girl so much!

It's very difficult for me to be around people who have not grieved the loss of a baby, yet have such high expectations of me. It's hard for me to be around people who do not ask how I'm doing anymore, because it's been long enough in their terms. Or those who ask, but don't really have the time to listen as I answer their question. I've noticed that I am beginning to withdraw from those I don't feel completely support me. I need unconditional love right now, I need acceptance. I need to know that even in my weakest moments, when I feel too weak to be around what was ripped from me, that it is alright, I am still loved, and I am enough- just as I am. I need to know that I can have all the time it takes to heal my heart.