Six Months

Yesterday marked six months without Tesslee, and this milestone brought with it a range of emotions. Its hard not to think what I should be doing right now... propping pillows behind her back as she begins to sit on her own, enjoying the attention everyone just can't help but give her, and lugging her car seat around everywhere I go. I'm desperately trying to keep my mind from wandering. But as it continually happens, I take a deep breath, and try to bury it in my thoughts...again. Curse you, Life, for leaving my baby behind! It seems like only yesterday, but it has already been a half a year, a half a year.

I'm very torn inside. I don't want my human-ness and grief to define her milestones. I really wanted this day to be a celebration of where Tesslee is right now, that she's been in a beautiful place for six months. That she is not sad, and is not my baby waiting around in Heaven for me to hold her. I know she is very busy in a glorious place, a place she would never wish to leave.

 It's hard to experience all of these emotions and thoughts in the same day, in the same minute. I knew that I needed to be kind to myself, so I bought myself a remembrance candle, one that reminded me of Tess. Having a flame burning in her honor brought a lot of warmth to my soul as I watched it dance and glow for my angel.

I have been very blessed to have such a supportive family, and this blog has helped me to remember that. I seem to forget it quickly. Yesterday family surprised me, again, by showing so much compassion and sensitivity to what I might be going through.

My sisters got together earlier in the week and planned a special dinner for our family, incorporating all of our favorite foods together into one meal- so creative. BBQ chicken, potato bar, sushi, lasagna, grilled cheese sandwiches, broccoli, and fruit snacks, complete with bubblegum-flavored cupcakes (fabulous!) and bubblegum ice cream for dessert, in honor of Tesslee's bubblegum addiction.

It was so very sweet of them to treat our family to such a yummy, thoughtful dinner. And they were so right, cooking dinner was far from my mind. To have each of our favorite foods represented was such a fun way to eat a meal. It really turned it into a celebration and a fun memory. Afterward, we spent some time with Tesslee and took her flowers and a note.

Acknowledging this milestone more as a 1/2 birthday really helped me get through what could've been a really hard day. After I got home, I checked my email, and found that my brother had written me a beautiful message acknowledging Tesslee's six month mark, and the special angel she is to our family. He also mentioned that Adeline, Tesslee's baby cousin, wore purple today just for Tess. It meant so much to me!

I went to bed feeling at peace and very grateful for the beautiful angel in my life, as well as the wonderful, caring family I have. A big Thank You to all my brothers and sisters for helping me through this milestone.