For You

Dear Tesslee,

I know you've seen me blogging a lot, lately. And I still have so much in my head right now. I've noticed that on the days I hurt the most, I spend a lot of time in my blog. Well, I was reading back on a previous post, and a very strong thought came to me as I read:

     "...Holding and cuddling your new little child makes up for any amount of pain a mother goes through, throughout pregnancy and the birth process. With previous births, I remember thinking in moments of discomfort, Cuddling you in my arms, right now, makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat just to be in this moment cuddling with you, my precious baby..."

As I read those words, it hit me, that I would do anything for you, for any one of my children, anything at all. I would gladly take on any amount of pain or suffering, for any amount of time without giving it a second thought. Then, why has it not occurred to me before now that I am doing just that? Would it not make sense that this is what I agreed to do, so long ago? I know that Heaven could only spare you for 21 weeks, earthly time. That was all the time you needed with your precious gift, your body. And then you were on to grander assignments. I don't remember, but I'm sure I was involved in and agreed to your life plan, and am sure that this feeling of fierce love played a part in my decision to be your mother here, and go through this. I think that I knew, at one time, that you would be carrying on with your own responsibilities far sooner than I would be ready to send you off. But if this was how it was supposed to be, which I know it was, I would go through anything for you.

I will always remember the expression on your face as I held you for the first time. You were so confident, so wise, so peaceful and serene. There were no words needed in our conversation. I trusted you and knew, as I gazed into your face, that this was always your plan. You knew it, and let my heart know it, too.

And so, here I am, six months later, typing away my emotions, and trying to pick up the pieces to my broken heart, struggling daily with the pain of losing you. My sweet Tesslee, I just want you to know, that for you, my child, I would go through this. Knowing you, feeling you, and experiencing glimpses of Heaven with you makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat, just because I love you and support you, my precious angel.

Love Always,
Mom