Ellee

When we arrived home from the hospital, the magnitude of what had happened began to set in. It was as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest with every beat. There are no words that can describe the anguish of not having your baby with you to mask the pains associated with giving birth. Holding and cuddling your new little child makes up for any amount of pain a mother goes through, throughout pregnancy and the birth process. With previous births, I remember thinking in moments of discomfort, Cuddling you in my arms, right now, makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat just to be in this moment cuddling with you, my precious baby. But when your arms are empty, and your baby you worked so hard for and loved so deeply is not there -nor will ever be there to cuddle, when you are left to continue on in the final stages of the birthing process alone, and your body is bruised and screaming- You just gave birth!...You have not fed your baby yet!!..Now feed your baby!!! -that is a physical and emotional pain so deep, there are no words.

It was in that anguish, I layed awake in the early-morning hours, beside the empty crib, longing to be up feeding my baby. Instead, laying in the silence, alone and broken-hearted, I heard little feet pit-patting across the kitchen floor and into our room. Ellee shuffled groggily over to my side, climbed into bed with me, gave me a gentle kiss, and began singing I Am a Child of God. Hearing her sweet little voice in the dark instantly brought calmness into my heart. I squeezed Ellee tight, cuddled her, and basked in the peace of knowing, without a doubt, Tesslee was aware of my desperation, and had sent Ellee in to physically comfort me and fill my aching, empty arms.         

  A few days ago I was sitting on the floor watching Tesslee's video. Ellee sat down beside me and began watching, too. After a few minutes I became teary-eyed. She stood up, pressed my face to her chest and kissed my forehead so tenderly, holding me close as she patted my back. It was not the hug of a two-year-old. It was as if Ellee knew just what to do to comfort me. This has happened many times since Tesslee passed.

I feel so strongly that Ellee was given specific gifts to be able to comfort me. At one point I feared that she would be too young to remember anything about Tesslee, but have come to understand that Ellee and Tesslee have quite a sisterly relationship, and Ellee is playing an important role. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father looks out for my needs as a mother and has blessed me with my precious Ellee who gives me extra love in place of her little sister who is busy right now.