Remembering Tess

Some of my most treasured possessions are the items that prompt my memories of Tesslee. And as time passes, the more valuable these memories have become. Memories can fade so fast! I have spent many late-night hours at the computer typing everything I can remember about Tesslee's pregnancy and birth. I don't want to forget a single thing about the five months we had with her. Here are some of the items I love to hold and view when my heart feels heavy.

This is Tesslee's beautiful urn, and was (what felt like) my only source of comfort those raw, first weeks after her loss. I felt such an overwhelming, peaceful spirit around her cremains. I loved that little urn so much and would carry it around, take naps with it, etc. I received a matching bracelet set for us both that she wears around her urn. She was buried with it.

I received both of these Willow Tree figurines from a friend and some family shortly after we came home from the hospital without Tesslee. These gifts mean so much to me and signify the precious days Mike and I spent together with her in the hospital, while helping us look to the day we will be reunited with her. Until then, she will be our angel daughter who watches over us.

These hand and foot molds are such a treasure! I hold them and picture what it would feel like to hold Tesslee's hand once again. The foot molds go a little past her ankles and I just ache inside to see more of her legs. I often find myself wishing there was a mold of her entire body. I cannot tell you how much these molds mean to me and I am so very grateful they were taken!

Here are Tesslee's tiny outfits. It hadn't even crossed my mind that she would need clothing to wear. I was so grateful and surprised when she was brought back to me all dressed up in a nightgown, tiny diaper and hat just her size. Her blood is on a couple of the outfits. At first, when I got home, it bothered me a little. I thought about washing them. I am so glad I didn't because now I love seeing that she wore them, got them dirty, and that is her precious blood preserved on them. Thank you so much to the angel families who made her clothing and blankets. I cherish them.



 She also wore these bracelets and had this toy rattle. They are tiny! I love that she had some possessions of her own.

The kids were each given  their very own white, Tesslee-sized bracelet to keep forever and remind them of their angel sister who loves them dearly. Even my boys cherish their tiny little Tesslee bracelet.

This blanket has a special story I will record in one of my future posts. It is Tesslee's baby blanket that was being made for her by her grandma, my mother-in-law, who is serving an LDS mission in California. When Tesslee passed away before it was finished, she decided to make it a little bigger for me to wrap myself in on those hard days when I am missing Tesslee. It is the most beautiful blanket ever made. The back is the soft minky fabric, and Tesslee's name and birth date are quilted across the top and bottom. There is a tag she hand-sewed into one of the corners with a special message for me:

It reads, "Sara, D&C 84:88. 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your heart, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.' I love you! Mom." This blanket has been so comforting for each of us. The kids take turns sleeping with Tesslee's baby blanket at night, when I will let them. I have to admit, I am very stingy with it. :)

The teddy bear in this picture is also a special keepsake of ours. It is known around the house as "Tesslee Bear." The hospital gave it to me so I wouldn't have empty arms as I left. I actually carried Tesslee Bear with me quite a bit, the first couple of months. She is very special to all of us and the kids love and treat her like she is part of our family. Tesslee Bear has really been a source of healing for us. We plan to include her in family pictures as a stand-in for Tesslee.

 Mike secretly had this pendant made and gave it to me for my birthday, which was two weeks after Tesslee was born.  It is Tesslee's birthstone, an aquamarine (March). I wear this necklace everyday and feel close to Tesslee, having her birthstone close to my heart.



I wanted to find something each of the girls in our family could wear that represents Tesslee, so I found these angel charms and gave one to each of my girls. I have one, also. Tesslee was buried with hers.

This butterfly is very special. Tesslee's best friend-cousin gave it to her at her graveside service on a bouquet of flowers. It sat at her grave for a couple of weeks until I brought it home and placed it on my favorite picture. Sophie and Tesslee were both announced on the same day and were both due in July. Now, Sophie has a guardian angel-best friend-cousin. This butterfly reminds me of their special relationship.

This picture frame means a lot to me. I just received it a couple of days ago when my Relief Society president came by and said this was dropped off at our Bishop's home for me, anonymously. The big deal about this gift is that it came five months after Tesslee passed, when everyone seems to have moved on and I am still struggling to get back into life. The fact that a mysterious someone out there understands that Tesslee is such a dear treasure to me, and is willing to go out on a limb and acknowledge her, is so comforting. It is so lonely and difficult to have had this beautiful, precious child that means the world to me, with very few people ever mentioning her in any way, because of the circumstance. Whenever I pass this picture on my wall, my heart remembers that someone, somewhere acted on a feeling and showed compassion at a time I really needed it. I wonder if this person will ever see this or realize the impact this gift has had on me, that I consider it a keepsake.

I am so very thankful to have all of these mementos in my life, and to finally have them documented. They help me so much. I realize how blessed I am to have them. Many, many families have gone through this and haven't had these types of reminders available to help keep the memories of their precious angels vivid and tangible. I am excited to do my part to ensure that future angel families receive their own little treasures, because when all you have left are memories, these tokens become priceless.