Monday, October 1, 2012

Missing Their Sister

I've had a few people ask how the kids show their grief, and I think it's important to have this recorded. It will be good to look back and see the different ways each of them grieve.

Jefferson is pretty private, and doesn't say a lot, but he is very sentimental, and I know that even though he doesn't say much, he thinks about his little sister, often. The night we came home from the hospital we were looking at her pictures all together on the couch, and I glanced over at Jefferson. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was trying to cry quietly. It broke my heart. We all held each other and had a good cry and chat about how crying is okay. The hospital gave us a book to read with the kids called Sad Isn't Bad. It was the perfect time to read it. Jefferson is really into collecting Pokemon cards. And every now and then he brings me a card and tells me he will never trade this one because it reminds him of Tesslee. One card had the Pokemon's stats on its height said 8 inches tall. He said it was really special to him because that's how big Tesslee was. Also, out of the blue one day he brought me a measuring tape that was pulled out 8 inches and asked why we didn't let him come to the hospital and hold Tesslee. (When Tesslee was born, we thought a lot about whether we would have the kids come or not. She was perfect, but began to discolor and change rapidly. We decided to just show them pictures of her, since what they were expecting their baby sister to look like was not what she would look like by the time they got there.) Sometimes I wonder if it would've been a good thing for the older kids to hold their baby sister. I know I can't look back.

Kilee talks about Tesslee all the time. She draws pictures at school and saves them to take to Tesslee's grave, she always includes Tesslee in our prayers. She dreams about Tesslee. She's mentioned that she really wishes she could've held Tesslee, too. Kilee has told me more than once that she hopes we don't have any more babies. I was shocked that she would say such a thing, because she loves babies so much and was so excited to have Tesslee. I think she is afraid of losing another baby. She had some big plans for herself, Ellee and Tesslee, and she has had to change those plans. Kilee was very excited that all the girls would share a room. We have had Kilee's and Ellee's baby pictures displayed on her dresser and it was really important for her to go the store and pick out a picture frame that could hold all three of the girls' pictures. It was fun taking Kilee there and choosing a fancy picture frame. I think it is good for her to have a picture of them all together. She also saved her money and bought a poster for Tesslee. She hung it right by her bed.  Tonight Kilee did something really cute. She made us all name tags for our places at dinner. She set a place for Tesslee, too. It was so special.


Caden is very tender-hearted. He tells me a couple times a day that he can't wait any more to see his baby sister and that she will be so cute!!! There have been a few times that it just becomes too much and he breaks down and cries, but it is a cry that he tries to hold in, and can't, and it sounds like he is hyperventilating. It is so very precious and heart-breaking at the same time. It hurts me so much to see him cry. When this happens I just scoop him up and hold him and tell him it's okay if he needs to cry, and that I miss her so much too, and someday we will have her again. Cade remembers Tesslee in every prayer. He asks Heavenly Father that she will be safe in Heaven. He also loves to sleep with her baby blanket, which is hard for me to part with, but every now and then I let him have it for the night. Whenever we pass the cemetery, Cade always reminds us to say hi to Tesslee. It's something we do every time now, (even if I'm in the car by myself) we always say hi to her.

I wondered if Ellee, being so young, would show signs of grieving. I am becoming more aware everyday that she knows more than we realize. Sometimes out of nowhere she will say "It's so sad, Tesslee died, Its sad." I think she understands death more than most 2 year olds. Right after Tesslee died, some little kittens she loved to hold died too. So now she associates "Tesslee died. Kitties died. Its sad." I wonder what "died" means in her mind. I think to her it signifies that they went away, or she can't see them anymore. Tesslee is still a very common part of Ellee's daily life, though. She always asks to hold Tesslee's empty outfits, and I let her as much as she wants. She rocks and cuddles them and kisses where Tesslee's face would be. She loves babies so much. Ellee is very sensitive to me, and shows a lot of concern and really is aware of when I am hurting. I think showing concern for me is a way she grieves and lets me know she understands and feels this too.

I'm learning so much about grieving. I wish that I could take my children's pain and sadness away! But I know that it is important that they feel what they are feeling, and do what they need to do, and that they don't bottle their emotions up. I want my kids to know that I understand that they suffered their own significant loss of their sister. I love my children so much, and whatever they need to do to work through their individual grief, I am here for them.

1 comment:

  1. It is really hard watching our kids grieve too. This is something that really effects the whole family. I hope it gets better for you guys!

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