Aware

It's been an emotional few days. The pain of others jumps out at me. It is everywhere. I watched a mother cat as she tried to protect her kitten, but could not. I noticed how concerned she was for her baby's safety. I know that pain. My heart broke... I layed awake thinking of the angel mom giving birth to her second angel the other night. I hurt for her... I am aware of the pain of living daily as the odd one out. There are many, in many different situations who feel lonely, too... I could barely get through a chapter in Economics that discussed the pregnancies of slave mothers. 35% ended in miscarriage or stillbirth. I read that statistic over and over again, and my heart was ripped out. I cannot imagine the pain these women silently endured... The friend who is battling breast cancer, and now brain cancer... The child uncomfortable at school because they were made fun of... The struggling families we are collecting cans of food for...

I look "normal" on the outside, but inside I am fragile. How many people I come in contact with each day are faking smiles and trying so hard to keep it together, too? For all of you, my heart breaks. I cry at night for you. I am with you, I wish you did not have to suffer. If only I could ease your pain.

Going through this has made me a better person. I thought I had compassion before losing Tesslee. But having to fight every minute to stay afloat for months is forging an understanding of compassion I could never have developed otherwise. I am grateful for this gift. While I continue to battle my emotions daily and learn to accept a different life plan than what I had in mind, I am hopeful that Heavenly Father has an even greater plan for me than I could ever have imagined. That is the plan I want for my life, and I am on my way.

 "Shew me thy ways, O Lord;

teach me thy paths.

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:

for thou are the God of my salvation,

on thee do I wait all the day."

                                            

                                             - Psalms 25: 4-5