Thankful

This has been such a rough couple of days to say the least. I'm heartsick that Fall is approaching. It just brings up a whole new range of emotions. Thanksgiving is going to be a tough season to get through. It was last November that Tesslee arrived here with our family. I say arrived because my insight on when a baby joins a family has completely changed. And it was Thanksgiving Day that we so excitedly announced her, still innocent and assuming that being pregnant meant you will be bringing your baby home with you. Thanksgiving used to be my very. favorite. holiday. I wonder what this will do to it. I ate a piece of pumpkin pie tonight, and my heart dropped. Its flavor brought back all those feelings I had the last time I ate pumpkin pie, of trying to get myself through the sickness, with the happy thoughts of seeing all our family together next year for Baby's first Christmas. What a sickening feeling now. And I hate feeling like this. I'm so done with feeling broken!!!! I've been soul-searching all week how I can get myself out of this. I decided I am going to be thankful. So here is my list of thank yous (in chronological order) that I desperately hope can get my mind in a better place.

**Thank you, Mike, for loving me unconditionally, for sharing all the moments -the beautiful and the unspeakably painful- of this experience, every step of the way. And for being patient with me through all my tears, anger and grief.**

Thank you, little Blakeley, for coming early, and bringing our parents home from their mission to visit. I have no doubt that you knew Tesslee's plan and knew we would need them here.

Thank you, Mom, for dropping everything and driving me home after we got the news. Thank you for being my mom through all of this from the very beginning.

Thank you, Mom Renee, for finishing Tesslee's baby blanket for me, for crying with me, and loving me when I am weak. Thank you Elder and Sister Sherwood for your thoughts, prayers and texts, through all of this.

Thank you, Bishop, for meeting with us the evening we found out Tesslee had passed away. Thank you for your wise counsel, and your continued support and time. Thank you for being there at Tesslee's service. That meant a lot to me.

Thank you, Dad, for letting my cry in your arms that night.

Thank you, Jenny, for being my nurse and staying with us on the hardest night of my life. Your friendship was no less than a tender mercy and much needed distraction and comfort.

Thank you, Jordan Valley Hospital, for giving me a good experience. Thank you for having a bereavement plan in place. I have become aware of many hospitals that don't, which makes me even more grateful.

**Thank you to my Heavenly Father, for allowing me to have such a beautiful birth experience.**

Thank you, Bella Baby Photography, for the precious photos of Tesslee.

Thank you, Heidi with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, for editing my photos and putting together our precious slide show DVD. Thank you for hosting sewing days every month. I have found much comfort there.

Thank you, Brea, Kate, Mom and Dad, and Mom Renee, for coming to meet Tesslee. It meant so much to me that you would come to see our daughter. If I've left out anyone, I'm sorry, I was in shock and don't recall at the moment, but thank you, as well.

Thank you, Kate, for asking if you could hold Tesslee twice. I will never forget that. It meant so much to me.

Thank you, Lenae, our chaplain at the hospital, for your love, insight, and counseling. For taking the sweet molds of Tesslee's hands and feet, and for caring for Tesslee so tenderly after we said our goodbyes and left her with you.

Thank you, Clint and Courtney, for staying with me the first time Mike and the kids left me alone. Thank you, Clint, for all the tender hugs when I've broken down.

Thank you, Aunt Linda, for carrying me through a particularly difficult time. Thank you for being in my corner, thank you for letting me cry hard on your shoulder, thank you for sincerely listening  and asking questions and for saying, "I'm so sorry for all of our loss." Thank you for our talks on spiritual matters. Thank you for teaching me how to take care of myself when I am in survival mode. Thank you for taking me to Women's Conference. Thank you for following the Spirit and being aware of my needs. Thank you, Elizabeth, for your uplifting personality and kindness.

Thank you, Shawnie, for the beautiful package that lifted my spirits at the exact right time. Thank you for incorporating Tesslee into our scrapbook, and for your constant support and sisterhood.

Thank you, Mom, Dad and Em for reading Gone Too Soon, just to try to understand a little where I am now.

Thank you, Teeny Tears, for creating the diaper organization that has brought me so much peace on my hard days. 

Thank you, Sarah, for all the meals, watching kids, listening ear, hugs, and help with Tesslee's luncheon in planning and making it so special. Thank you for remembering that Tesslee loved bubblegum and incorporating that into her luncheon, as well as the continuous check ups to see how I am handling things. You have made my burdens light.

Thank you, Em, for always being there for me at my very worst. For the shoulder to cry on day after day, for the continued sensitivity to my tender state of mind, for the breakfast that showed up on my door the first Memorial Day without my baby, for patiently listening while I vent my anger, and everything else in between.

Thank you, Brea, for cleaning up the kitchen and putting the food away after the luncheon, when I was too emotionally drained to even think about it. Thank you for the many times you have brought Tesslee up in conversation (by name) and have included her as one of the cousins, and for your grief support, pizza on the doorstep, etc. You are truly compassionate.

Thank you, Courtney and Kate, for being patient and understanding with me throughout the remainder of your pregnancies. I know the circumstance created much awkwardness, and I appreciate your continued support, even now. Thank you, sisters.

Thank you, family, for wearing purple for Tesslee and coming to her service. Your support meant the world to us.

Thank you, Heather, for being close to the Spirit to know my needs so often. Thank you for putting your arm around me and for all the hugs and genuine sisterhood when I broke down every Relief Society lesson those raw first few months. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for opening the binder to the roll for me. That gesture alone let me know God knows my heart and thoughts. Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you, Angel Moms, for your empathy and support, and friendship through all of this. I am so comforted to have you all to turn to when my grief consumes me.

Thank you, Laura, Julie, and Christy, for reaching out to me, and letting me know that I will get through this, and there is happiness still to be had.

Thank you, Jaimi and Trevor, for bringing Tesslee a purple night light at her grave. It means so much to me that you would think of her and visit her. Thank you, Jaimi, for checking up on me and keeping me in your thoughts.

Mom, thank you for keeping Tesslee's grave in full bloom and visitng her often. It makes my heart happy to see flowers there regularly.

I am exhausted now, but my heart is feeling lighter than it has in a long time. After writing this down, I can see that I have a lot of support, and have been so blessed. I know there are many more thank yous due, and I will continue to post them when they come to mind. One last one, though,

Thank you for following me on my journey here. It gives me a lot of strength knowing that someone is interested in what I am going through. Good night.