Emotional

I am supposed to be taking a test right now for my Economics class, but there is no way I can focus on that when my heart hurts like this. I'm not sure what I will end up writing, but I'm going to type my pain away so I can get a good grade on my test.
 
I am so weary of having such strong emotions at any given time! Mostly anger, anger like I've never felt before. The kind that has to destroy something. I wish I had a punching bag or had a room I could lock myself in and kick and throw stuff and cry my eyes out until I felt better.

I wish I was stronger, that I wouldn't feel like that, I wish that I could just accept and be at peace that my baby is not going to be with us. I wish I could hold my baby again. I miss her so much. I miss that whole little life. I'm so glad Ellee let me wrap her in a blanket and rock her while I sang a lullaby. It feels good to hold my Ellee in my arms like a baby, although she barely fits. I close my eyes and kiss her sweet knuckles. I dream what it would be like to kiss Tesslee's.

I wish I could stay in my house forever with my family and laugh and play games and watch movies and never leave. I hate that I have to prepare my mind whenever I leave my house and hope I am strong enough to get through all the stings that prick my heart in a single trip to the grocery store.

I look at Mike and the kids and desperately hope that I have another day with each of them. I love them so much. They could be taken away in a second. I have been blessed to have so much time with each of them. Not enough, though. There is no "It always happens to someone else" anymore. We have become that someone else, and I'm scared there is more to come.

I'm so sick of people wondering why I am having hard days, like I'm really going to be over my child dying or something. I'm sick of people implying that since my baby wasn't full-term it shouldn't hurt as much, ... like she was any less loved than my other kids? Seriously? A premature baby is just as loved as any other child. A child is a child. I love each of my children with all my heart, and I will never get over my sweet baby dying. Ever. I know people mean well, I have to remind myself they just don't know.

Its so hard to feel anger, sadness, peace, gratitude, love, more anger, numbness, shock, fierce anger, desperation, fear, loneliness, and heartache continually, while being expected to function normally and laugh and carry on conversations and pretend I'm not dead inside. A part of me died with my baby. I'm trying to work my way through and be at peace with not having Tesslee with us. This is definitely a journey.

It's really hard for me to watch the world keep on going like nothing ever happened, when my heart feels so stunned. I feel so shaken. There is a deep void in my heart. It's been six months.

How long am I going to feel like this? Is this normal for a grieving mom? I wonder. Its hard for me to feel like such a continual nut case! I used to be on top of things.

We took a much needed drive up the canyon the other evening. It was so refreshing to leave all my emotions in the valley and walk through nature and enjoy the beautiful mountain peaks and the fall leaves and crisp air. I could not believe how vibrant the colors are this year! I wish we could've stayed up there. It was so refreshing to get away.

Ok, now I'm going to go take my test.