A Mother's Love

     Its been four and a half months since I told my sweet, baby girl hello and goodbye, a four and a half month heartache. What I would give to hold Tesslee in my arms again. I wonder what she is doing all the time... if she popped in to see us today, if she is watching me type this right now. What is my sweet angel doing this very second?

     It feels like a deep, intense homesickness for my child to return home after being gone a little too long. And it is depressing to think that I will just have to learn to live with this pain. The void is very real. It feels like there is always someone missing. Because there is. I try to stay preoccupied. I've noticed, the way I deal with the pain on the really hard days is by deep-cleaning. Cleaning has become therapeutic for me. I had a really tough day camping a couple weeks ago and decided to cleaned the entire bathroom there just to release some anger. I hate cleaning bathrooms. But it was a positive outlet.

     Today I broke down again and deep-cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, and thought about Tesslee with every sweep of the broom. I know I shouldn't ask why she is gone. I understand that God has this beautiful plan for Tesslee, and that she is doing something very important beyond the veil. But why does a mother have to love so deeply? Why does it have to be so hard for a mom to say goodbye to her child? There is nothing quite like a mother's love, I now know.