Dreams

The last two nights I've had dreams about Tesslee, which have made my emotions run high all day.

 A couple nights ago in my dream I relived something I had really done back in December. I received one of those sample sizes of formula from a Welcome Baby package at my first prenatal appointment. You know how excited you are when you get that? It puts things into perspective. I remember thinking, This is for real! We are really going to have another baby around the house! I kept it on the counter for a few days, just to enjoy seeing it, and then tucked it under the sink in a safe place I would find it when I needed it.

Well, my dream relived that and all those excited emotions  that came with that little can of formula. My dream went a little further and I now was making Tesslee a bottle and was looking everywhere for that can. I could not find it anywhere and Tesslee really needed it, but I couldn't remember where I had stashed it. Last night I was really looking for something under the sink and found the little can of formula I was trying so hard to locate in my dream, the night before.  How strange to come across it the very next day, when I haven't seen it in months. It hit me all over again. This was Tesslee's first little item. And it brought me so much joy thinking about her using it up. And she never will. It made me so sad! I just put it back under the sink and tried to collect myself. I think it will stay there as long as we live here. It belongs to Tesslee.

I don't know if those emotions brought on my dream about Tesslee last night, or what. I haven't had dreams about her for months. And to have two in a row is really weird. I don't know if this dream made me happy or sad. But it is frozen in my mind and I remember everything about it and wished many times today that it was real.

Last night I dreamed that I was holding Tesslee. She was full term and beautiful and alive. I just kept cuddling her and kissing her and looking at her beautiful body I had missed for so long! I couldn't stop looking at how beautiful she was. Her little features were just as I remember them. And the best part was that she wasn't someone else's baby that I had to give back. She was my very own Tesslee. My perfect baby and I didn't have to say goodbye to her.  I never let her go. She was safe in my arms and was mine forever. Oh,  how I miss her beyond words!!!