Angel

While finding some pajamas for Ellee to wear, I happened to pull out a familiar pair I hadn't seen for quite a few months. Kilee had worn them all the time when she was that age. I was so excited to see Ellee in them! I unfolded the pajamas and my heart stopped and sank. Sewn across the front was the word ANGEL. I immediately felt sick inside. I just sat there, stunned. My mind replayed my heartbreak. It's strange how one little word can instantly evoke so much emotion... beauty, joy, peace, pain. I could not bring myself to dress Ellee in something that labeled her an angel. Ellee is not an angel, and I check on her (and my other little ones) a few times in their sleep each night to make sure they are not. I tossed the pajamas on top of her dresser. They will be going in a bag.

I look at where I'm at, and how I've been changed. There is only a slight memory of the way I used to think and behave. Its strange that going through something like losing my baby would make me cringe at the sight and give away a pair of pajamas I once loved. How it changes me to where I will never dress my children in clothes that say Angel on them. And when describing a living baby I cannot say, "Oh, what an angel."- like I used to. It stands out every time I hear someone say that.

I wonder why, exactly...I'm still trying to figure that out. An "angel" means something different to me now, and I don't use that term lightly. An angel is someone precious, beautiful, and heavenly. But it also is connected to my deep anguish and heartbreak. I think I'm afraid that if I label someone an angel, they just might become one. I don't think I could go through that again. I wonder if this will pass with time and I will loosen up with the term angel, or if it is a permanent change. So until then, I treasure my beautiful angel, Tesslee, and I treasure my precious love bugs, Jeff, Kilee, Cade, and Ellee all so very much.