This week I have felt life slowly trickling back into me, and it really does feel good. It's been almost five months since Tesslee passed away, and almost five months of having no desire to cook meals, listen to the radio, watch movies, exercise, or do anything I used to enjoy. Its just been a blur. Last month I remember feeling so discouraged that I had lost the desire to do things I once liked, discouraged that this was my new life. The only thing my heart has really been into is anything Tesslee-related.
Well, this week something changed. I had this strange urge to fix dinner. One night, lasagna...then chicken stir fry,... and then, meat and potatoes. Today, I even made 2 loaves of whole wheat bread! That is a HUGE deal for me. And it made me happy. I can tell life is finding its way back. I was thinking about how long it really has been, and its been about 10 months of just getting by. The first five I was pregnant and staying away from cooking, the last five I've been grieving and haven't felt like cooking. So these meals are such a big deal!
I think I might be moving into another stage of grief. Maybe I'm starting to accept Tesslee's short little life and death, and am realizing that there is nothing I can do about it, it is what it is. I don't know. I am on a roller coaster, though. Hmmm. I guess we'll see, but I have to acknowledge these steps, and I am so proud of myself!
That's awesome! I'm so happy for you! I know there will still be down days for you, but I'm so happy you've had a better week! (P.S...I'd love you wheat bread recipe if you are sharing it.)
ReplyDeleteThat Is huge :) you CAN do hard things!! You are such a good mom I really look up to you. I love reading your posts. I feel Tesslee has also helped me. I always try to hug Sawyer a little tighter and try not to get so frustrated and be grateful I have him here! Thank you for that. If you haven't already I follow an amazing blog about another lds mother who lost her daughter. She shares some amazing talks and scriptures and experiences, maybe you would like to follow it too. It's patrickandashley.blogspot.com :)
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