Tesslee,

This whole day was so hard to get through. I did a very good job keeping myself distracted, but in the end I wasn't strong enough to hold it in any longer. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned the vent on, and sobbed for you. I miss your little legs so much. And your toes, I wish I had brought them to my lips and kissed them. I would do so much over. I wouldn't've let them take you away and dress you. I would've dressed you myself. And I would've turned you around and looked at your little back and bottom. That is something that will always be a mystery to me. My own baby and I never saw your little bottom, diaperless. I keep trying to relive in my mind those two days I held you tight and slept with you next to me, anything to give me comfort. Why didn't I take any pictures of me holding your hand? Your fingers were so perfect. I had no idea how much a heart could hurt. I wish I were buying size newborn diapers for you. I wish I was spending money on your diapers! I wish I was up all night feeding and rocking you and giving you my love. I wish I was lugging around your cute, new diaper bag and your car seat carrier. I wish I could say that I have five kids without people squirming and quickly changing the subject. I wish I could have you back. Even for just one more hour. I would open your sleeping eyelids and see your beautiful eyes. I kept waiting for you to move, for your eyes to open. You were holding so still. Babies aren't supposed to hold that still. Why did you leave me? I am going to bed and I hope when I wake up you will still be with me.