My Grief and the Atonement

The past few weeks I've really struggled with going to church. It has been very hard placing myself where there are babies Tesslee's age all around. When I have gone, the tears have just flowed uncontrollably at any given time, and it is embarrassing to face the many, caring people stopping to ask what is wrong and what they can do to help... as well as my children loudly pointing out, "Mom, you've been crying again, huh."

A few weeks ago I became discouraged and decided it would be easier to just stay at home and have my own personal Sunday in the "emotional safety" of my home until I can get my emotions in check. Something got me back to church today, however, and I am so very relieved and grateful I went. I left church feeling like I had just sat through the most successful counseling session possible, and I was ready to tackle this week with my new insight and strength. I have not felt this strong in weeks. I hate to think what this next week would've been like had I not been in church today.

Something that has been weighing on my mind has been my thoughts on grief and how grief works into the Atonement. I thought that when I use the Atonement and I turn my grief and pain over to the Savior, who has already suffered it for me, my pain would be lifted and taken away from me and I would be able to go on free from the grief. This has bothered me though, and I have been reluctant to fully use the Atonement, since I want to feel my grief. I love my Tesslee and feel like by grieving for her it keeps her close to me and in my heart. My grief is tied to her. It is a part of her. And I do not want to give it up. But by feeling this way I think I am being ungrateful and faithless to my Savior for His sacrifice for me. So I have been torn and not fully committed to using the power of the Atonement to help get me through this.

One of the hymns we sang today in sacrament meeting was I Believe in Christ. As I read the words and listened to the music, my soul was touched, and the Comforter taught me something about the Atonement.

Verse 4:

I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!

From him I’ll gain my fondest dream;

And while I strive through grief and pain,
His voice is heard: “Ye shall obtain.”

I believe in Christ; so come what may,

With him I’ll stand in that great day

When on this earth he comes again

To rule among the sons of men.

 

(Hymn #134)

Text: Bruce R. McConkie, 1915–1985. © 1972 IRI

Music: John Longhurst, b. 1940. © 1985 IRI

 

As I read those lines, the Spirit spoke to my heart. It was like a thought felt inside my heart instead of in my mind. It impressed on me that using the Atonement will not take my grief and pain away. That is mine to feel and keep. I will "strive" (meaning, struggle, fight or contend) through the grief and pain of this experience probably my whole life, but the power of the Atonement (through my faith) will strengthen my soul and make my burdened heart feel light and will enable me that I can carry this. Christ can be right there with me, if I will allow Him. If there was no struggle and my grief and pain were just removed, there would be no growth, no refiner's fire, and this experience would all be in vain.

 

I thought about Tesslee, what I've been through, and how much I've learned and how far I've already come, and immediately saw the importance in the struggle of grieving. It made so much sense to me! Feeling grief is not something I should be ashamed of. It is important to grieve. It is a necessary part of opposition and growth. But it doesn't have to encompass me, the way I've felt it has lately.

 

I am so grateful I was where I needed to be today to receive this inspiration. I know that if I had stayed home and had my own personal Sunday by myself, my heart would still be troubled and I would not feel the peace and comfort the Comforter has given me. I'm starting to realize how important it is to meet together weekly, partake of the sacrament, strengthen each other, and let the Spirit speak to us and teach us in ways we can't learn on our own.

 

The final Hymn we sang today was Where Can I Turn For Peace? Every word touched my heart and I felt so grateful to have been led to these songs today. I am realizing through all of this, that my Heavenly Father is merciful and kind, and offers answers and love, even when I am undeserving of it.

 

 Where Can I Turn for Peace?

 

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

                          

(Hymn #129) 

 Text: Emma Lou Thayne, b. 1924. © 1973 IRI

Music: Joleen G. Meredith, b. 1935. © 1973 IRI