Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving was hard to get through. It seemed to start the night before. I realized I didn't have the cream of mushroom soup I thought I did in the pantry, so I took a last minute trip to the store to pick some up. On the way home my heart was so heavy. I couldn't help but remember back to last year when we so happily announced Tesslee over Thanksgiving dinner. Fast forward to this year and I am grieving not only Tesslee, but the loss of our rainbow baby. How did life take such a turn? As I drove home at dusk, I was facing a sky on fire with color. Instantly, I became so angry, which shocked me because sunsets have always made me feel peace. In college I was given a blessing that stated that every time I see a sunset, it's a sign to me from Heavenly Father that He loves me. I surprised myself by snapping, "Don't even think its ok to take two babies from me this year and then paint me a sunset!" I parked the car and cried as the sun went down.

I am grateful to know, as I read a fellow angel mom's blog, that the same sunset offered a lot of comfort to her as she prepared for the Thanksgiving holiday, as well. So in retrospect, I am grateful that God painted it for her and that it offered her some peace at this difficult time of year.

I am really battling getting out of bed each morning. It just seems like so much nicer to stay in bed and hide from the heartache. Surprisingly, cooking a turkey was a huge motivation and I was excited to spend all day with just my family. We had no stress this year to get done at a certain time or be anywhere, which I loved!!! We just took our time preparing dinner and ate when the table was finally set and all the food was out of the oven. It was around 2:30 pm. We lit Tesslee's candle, which is doubling for Baby Vic's candle too until we get another. It was our table centerpiece this year. It felt so good having a place for both our angels at the table with us. We want to include them every year at our Thanksgiving dinner, as anything less wouldn't feel right.

I have a lot of bitterness inside right now. I hope that Heavenly Father will be patient with me while I work through this anger. I will say how lovely it was to spend the whole day lazing around with Mike and the kids. I feel stable and safe with them. They bring me so much happiness. I especially love to sit and watch them interact. Their little comments and teasings are so funny. I am tremendously thankful for them!

... I hope my angels enjoyed their Thanksgiving Day, and that they had a lot of happiness in whatever kept them busy. I'm happy they have each other, and am grateful for the hope that we can be with them again someday.