Pictures

I woke up this morning to myself planning a picture I've been meaning and dreaming of taking for months now. -Back up 8 months ago- After we found out Tesslee was gone I had a day to wait before delivering her. What an absolutely horrible day being pregnant with a baby no longer living. The thought popped into my mind a few times that I should take a belly shot of Tesslee before she was born since I hadn't gotten around to taking any. I dismissed that thought as quickly as it came, knowing I never wanted to see a belly shot of us together ever- it would be much too painful. So I never did.

About four months ago it hit me hard. I was desperate to see a picture of me pregnant with her. And there were none. I had been sick and didn't want any pictures taken of me. I looked everywhere trying to hunt down a picture -even if I was just the background. I had to have one picture of me with my sweet Tesslee alive. I called my sister-in-law to have her check her baby shower pictures to see if there were any with me in the background. Nothing. It is one of my life regrets. I decided the only thing I can ever do to make it up to myself is to take a picture of my future rainbow at 21 weeks holding a sign that says '21 weeks - For Tesslee.' And that has been my plan for months now. I've dreamed of that picture. It's helped me through some of the guilt. It means so much to me.

I was soooo excited to get to 21 weeks with Baby Vic's pregnancy so I could take that picture. I woke up this morning feeling hope for that moment... Oh wait... I'm not pregnant anymore. I forgot that I lost Baby Vic a couple weeks ago. Okay. Close that door. Lets try to reroute that thought. It is such an emotional task to 'undo' a pregnancy in my mind! And those stupid phantom kicks have shocked my heart a couple times yesterday and today. I am let down not only that our rainbow is not a rainbow after all, but also that picture will probably never come to be.
                                                                            
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I am also very angry at myself for not having the Dr. print off the picture of the only ultrasound I had of Vic. How could I forget that? How could I walk out of that room without that picture, knowing what I feared would happen? I feel like history just repeated itself and it was totally in my hands! I feel like I let myself down again!

So in my attempt to be kind to myself  today, I am pretending that I am 21 weeks along in this picture that I was 24 weeks with Ellee. I hope this makes me feel better.