Miscarriage

A few weeks ago I wrote this on one of my support blogs for angel moms:

"I'm glad that I have this place to let some stuff out. I have to admit, I can feel the bitterness creeping in again. Its crazy and I don't understand it. I don't know who I'm mad at, I don't think its God, but I guess I'm not for sure. I'm just mad at the whole situation. I've been really hurt lately that I haven't been able to get pregnant. Although the thought of that terrifies me. I don't even know if I would be a good mom anymore to a newborn. I avoid all things baby like the plague just to stay emotionally stable. Its so hard because Tesslee was decidedly our last baby and I gave away all our boy stuff once we found out Tesslee was a girl, and now that her chapter is over and we are empty-handed, I go back and forth all the time on if I want another baby or not. I think the main reason I do is because I've heard that rainbows heal a lot of that brokenness, and I will do anything to heal my heart. But every time it doesn't happen it just adds to the bitterness. Today I found myself thinking "Well I didn't want a baby anyway." ??????? I think my heart is just so broken. Do you guys battle with bitterness? I just feel so lonely, sad, misunderstood by my family and friends and completely messed up inside."

... I found out I was pregnant later on that night, and discovered my conception and due date months were identical to Tesslee's. I cried and cried nightly for so many reasons I cannot begin to explain. I knew going through this pregnancy would be extremely difficult, reliving the milestones of Tesslee's pregnancy each month. I also knew this was a means of healing and although very difficult, bringing home a baby in July would redeem July for me.

I didn't allow myself to assume I was bringing this baby home. And sometimes at night I told this baby that I was sorry for all the strong emotions it was surely feeling. I tried desperately to relax and take control of my emotions. Although I wouldn't admit it, it really did feel good to feel life living inside me once again: my swollen, tender breasts, the need to eat every couple hours, the intense fatigue, ... I felt this baby drawing on my body and growing. I was growing our family's rainbow baby! It felt so good to have this secret. And then, I noticed something stopped.

Saturday night I felt something was wrong. I could tell my breasts were not tender anymore. I went all night without needing to snack every couple hours. I was immediately alarmed. I felt like its was slipping from me. I had a feeling that this baby would be miscarried. Of course I was only allowing the horrors of a bereaved mom take control of me. Surely God would not allow me to miscarry my rainbow. We had been trying to become pregnant and begin to heal for months now. I never miscarry. I'm healthy. I told Mike what I had noticed about my body. He gave me lots of support and told me to keep my mind in a positive place for this little one.

** I continue to post, with gratitude to the many others who have posted their very personal miscarriage stories for the the public to read. At this point I felt scared and desperate. I googled "miscarriages" and was grateful I was able to gather an idea of what to expect in the following few hours. I hope that sharing these private details of my experience will help another at some point. If you are bothered by my openness, please don't read on.**

Sunday I began to spot. Monday I was spotting heavier and beginning to cramp. I called the doctor's office. They had me come in immediately for my first appointment. My doctor did an ultrasound. I saw our little one with my eyes for the first time. Our beautiful, tiny miracle. The baby was in the right place, and my doctor said everything looked just fine and to not give up hope. He had me do routine blood work and wanted me to return in 48 hours to repeat the blood work to compare it. Seeing my baby calmed me some, but I still could not shake what I felt inside.

Monday night my bleeding increased, severe cramping set in and I went to bed early, knowing deep down what the outcome would be. I was up for hours breathing through burning, intense back cramps and labor-like pains. I don't remember falling to sleep, but I woke up at five in the morning in no pain at all. The cramping had stopped instantly. I was terrified, but rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and felt clots pouring out. I grabbed the plastic cup I had on the counter and looked into the toilet, not wanting to lose my baby in all of it. I couldn't see a sac, just lots of blood and tissue. I wiped, felt a little bewildered, wondered what would be next, and continued to wait.

A couple minutes later I felt something large slide out and plop in the water. I knew exactly what it was. I immediately scooped it out. The entire grayish, whitish sac with my precious little baby was in the cup in my hands. I was shaking, yet felt an intense peace and reverence as I held our little miracle and examined it. I could see the eyes in the head, and an under-developed little body. There was such a reverence. I sat there and talked to it for a long time. I told it how much it was loved, and that I was heartbroken that it was not our rainbow, after all. I cannot put to words the intense feelings and emotions I felt that early morning hour there in the bathroom with my baby. 

After reflecting on experiences of others in my support groups, Mike and I decided we needed to bury our sixth little one. While I slept, he took the kids to the store to pick out a beautiful box to lay the baby to rest in. On the way, he explained to them what had happened. We had not told them I was even pregnant, but after having one angel they know and love, we could not keep the knowledge of this one from them.

Right now, my mind feels numb. Experiencing this has resurfaced a lot of the same emotions I dealt with earlier this year with Tesslee. I am feeling shock and disbelief that I was physically pregnant yesterday, and now I'm just not... again. It is a difficult thing to make my mind believe. I don't believe this has happened again. I am in utter disbelief that I could have 4 perfectly healthy pregnancies without any complications, and then experience a stillbirth and a miscarriage in the same lifetime, in the same year. I find myself battling feelings of anger and deep hurt. I trusted my Heavenly Father with my emotional health in trying for another child, hoping to heal from the last one. I did not feel strong enough to go through another loss right now. I feel let down and abandoned, although I know that could not be possible. I'm hurt beyond words. My Heavenly Father knows how I feel. I have told Him everything. I know He has a plan for me and that He is reshaping me into something better than I was. I hope it makes sense to me sooner than later. I miss this baby of mine with all of my broken heart.