Gifts

We went on vacation to California this past week. It was bittersweet for me. I really needed a getaway, and it was so much fun to take our family and see new things, make some memories. But it was difficult at the same time. I continually felt that someone was missing. We took a lot of pictures together as a family. I just wanted to leave a space for Tesslee so bad! My heart felt really heavy.

I feel so blessed. There were two nights that I had beautiful dreams of my baby Tesslee. In the first I dreamed I had more time with her little body. It was perfect and tiny, just as I remember it, only it didn't change. It stayed peach and warm. I could really feel her little body in the blanket exactly as it felt. I just carried it around everywhere, held  her little body to my heart. It made my heart weightless and free. I was so happy. The dream was so real. I can still see the images in my mind.

A couple days later I was blessed with another dream! This time as I looked at her she began moving and crying. She had the most beautiful eyes and they were staring back at me. She began crying. The sound was Heavenly! I just sat there and listened and listened, not wanting to move or jump up to cuddle her, just listening to that beautiful cry I've always longed to hear. I snuggled her in a blanket. She was mine. My very own breathing baby. Tiny and perfect in every single way. I couldn't believe I was having this dream and I didn't want to wake from it. I knew it was a dream in my dream. I just stared at her in awe. She was so beautiful and I didn't want to blink, I wanted to soak in every memory of her that I could.

 My dreams are beginning to be my memories of her. I feel so blessed every time I dream of Baby Tesslee. I love that my arms can still remember the weight of her little body, and the way it felt to hold her. It's so real when I hold her in my dreams. I think of these dreams as gifts from Heavenly Father to soothe my aching heart. I love that they came to me while on vacation.