Recording My Emotions

I recently spoke with a mom who lost her baby girl five years ago. She mentioned how glad she was that I am keeping a blog of all my feelings. She didn't, and now wishes she had her feelings written down along with dates so she could look back at the early stages in her grief and loss. After thinking about this, I decided that I wanted to post something I wrote last week, but never published. Some days I can't stop writing, but it is hard to hit that 'Publish' button and let everyone in the world know what I struggle with. But I also want my blog to be public, in that maybe my honesty can help someone else in their healing. I have spent many late nights reading others' blogs and stories of their losses, and it has been so helpful to realize that I am not alone. There are others out there who understand the same immense pain I do. It's strange that some days are so difficult, and then others I seem to be a lot more stable. The void in my heart is always there, but the deep heartache and emotion comes and goes every few days. I'm grateful for the break when it comes. It has been relieving the last couple days to feel emotions a little less intense than last week...

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...Something I struggle with is how people do not understand the extent of my loss. It is so difficult to live with the ignorance of others, and train myself to just let it go. I'm working on that. I am offended when people tell me they are surprised that I am still struggling so much. I struggle multiple times every single day. There is a huge void in my heart that cannot be filled. Of course, I have to function, I have a family who needs me. But I am doing it as I walk around blankly, with everything slowed and muffled. Nothing is as it was before. Even the hymns at church are sung way too fast. It's a task to carry a conversation, especially a deep one. I have to focus hard. My mind is fuzzy. There is really only one thing on my mind most of the time. Every thought I have connects back to Tesslee. And I catch my very patient children repeating "...Mom...Mom look. Mom..Did you hear me?" I hate when that happens. I feel so guilty. I can put on a good show for a while, but it drains me. Just the little things that used to come so natural are overwhelming. And people make me feel like my behaviour is alarming and unusual. You know what? I have been told that I am completely normal! My actions and my feelings are right on target for what I have experienced. I don't think there is anything that goes more against nature than a baby dying. It's not something that is ever gotten over, and especially not in months' time. It offends me (which I am trying to work through) when people ask Is she still having a hard time? I wish I could give these people just a peak into my heart and mind so they would give me a break or some leeway as I discover how to navigate my way through this new life.