Emotional

I am supposed to be taking a test right now for my Economics class, but there is no way I can focus on that when my heart hurts like this. I'm not sure what I will end up writing, but I'm going to type my pain away so I can get a good grade on my test.
 
I am so weary of having such strong emotions at any given time! Mostly anger, anger like I've never felt before. The kind that has to destroy something. I wish I had a punching bag or had a room I could lock myself in and kick and throw stuff and cry my eyes out until I felt better.

I wish I was stronger, that I wouldn't feel like that, I wish that I could just accept and be at peace that my baby is not going to be with us. I wish I could hold my baby again. I miss her so much. I miss that whole little life. I'm so glad Ellee let me wrap her in a blanket and rock her while I sang a lullaby. It feels good to hold my Ellee in my arms like a baby, although she barely fits. I close my eyes and kiss her sweet knuckles. I dream what it would be like to kiss Tesslee's.

I wish I could stay in my house forever with my family and laugh and play games and watch movies and never leave. I hate that I have to prepare my mind whenever I leave my house and hope I am strong enough to get through all the stings that prick my heart in a single trip to the grocery store.

I look at Mike and the kids and desperately hope that I have another day with each of them. I love them so much. They could be taken away in a second. I have been blessed to have so much time with each of them. Not enough, though. There is no "It always happens to someone else" anymore. We have become that someone else, and I'm scared there is more to come.

I'm so sick of people wondering why I am having hard days, like I'm really going to be over my child dying or something. I'm sick of people implying that since my baby wasn't full-term it shouldn't hurt as much, ... like she was any less loved than my other kids? Seriously? A premature baby is just as loved as any other child. A child is a child. I love each of my children with all my heart, and I will never get over my sweet baby dying. Ever. I know people mean well, I have to remind myself they just don't know.

Its so hard to feel anger, sadness, peace, gratitude, love, more anger, numbness, shock, fierce anger, desperation, fear, loneliness, and heartache continually, while being expected to function normally and laugh and carry on conversations and pretend I'm not dead inside. A part of me died with my baby. I'm trying to work my way through and be at peace with not having Tesslee with us. This is definitely a journey.

It's really hard for me to watch the world keep on going like nothing ever happened, when my heart feels so stunned. I feel so shaken. There is a deep void in my heart. It's been six months.

How long am I going to feel like this? Is this normal for a grieving mom? I wonder. Its hard for me to feel like such a continual nut case! I used to be on top of things.

We took a much needed drive up the canyon the other evening. It was so refreshing to leave all my emotions in the valley and walk through nature and enjoy the beautiful mountain peaks and the fall leaves and crisp air. I could not believe how vibrant the colors are this year! I wish we could've stayed up there. It was so refreshing to get away.

Ok, now I'm going to go take my test.

Aware

It's been an emotional few days. The pain of others jumps out at me. It is everywhere. I watched a mother cat as she tried to protect her kitten, but could not. I noticed how concerned she was for her baby's safety. I know that pain. My heart broke... I layed awake thinking of the angel mom giving birth to her second angel the other night. I hurt for her... I am aware of the pain of living daily as the odd one out. There are many, in many different situations who feel lonely, too... I could barely get through a chapter in Economics that discussed the pregnancies of slave mothers. 35% ended in miscarriage or stillbirth. I read that statistic over and over again, and my heart was ripped out. I cannot imagine the pain these women silently endured... The friend who is battling breast cancer, and now brain cancer... The child uncomfortable at school because they were made fun of... The struggling families we are collecting cans of food for...

I look "normal" on the outside, but inside I am fragile. How many people I come in contact with each day are faking smiles and trying so hard to keep it together, too? For all of you, my heart breaks. I cry at night for you. I am with you, I wish you did not have to suffer. If only I could ease your pain.

Going through this has made me a better person. I thought I had compassion before losing Tesslee. But having to fight every minute to stay afloat for months is forging an understanding of compassion I could never have developed otherwise. I am grateful for this gift. While I continue to battle my emotions daily and learn to accept a different life plan than what I had in mind, I am hopeful that Heavenly Father has an even greater plan for me than I could ever have imagined. That is the plan I want for my life, and I am on my way.

 "Shew me thy ways, O Lord;

teach me thy paths.

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:

for thou are the God of my salvation,

on thee do I wait all the day."

                                            

                                             - Psalms 25: 4-5

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months without Tesslee, and this milestone brought with it a range of emotions. Its hard not to think what I should be doing right now... propping pillows behind her back as she begins to sit on her own, enjoying the attention everyone just can't help but give her, and lugging her car seat around everywhere I go. I'm desperately trying to keep my mind from wandering. But as it continually happens, I take a deep breath, and try to bury it in my thoughts...again. Curse you, Life, for leaving my baby behind! It seems like only yesterday, but it has already been a half a year, a half a year.

I'm very torn inside. I don't want my human-ness and grief to define her milestones. I really wanted this day to be a celebration of where Tesslee is right now, that she's been in a beautiful place for six months. That she is not sad, and is not my baby waiting around in Heaven for me to hold her. I know she is very busy in a glorious place, a place she would never wish to leave.

 It's hard to experience all of these emotions and thoughts in the same day, in the same minute. I knew that I needed to be kind to myself, so I bought myself a remembrance candle, one that reminded me of Tess. Having a flame burning in her honor brought a lot of warmth to my soul as I watched it dance and glow for my angel.

I have been very blessed to have such a supportive family, and this blog has helped me to remember that. I seem to forget it quickly. Yesterday family surprised me, again, by showing so much compassion and sensitivity to what I might be going through.

My sisters got together earlier in the week and planned a special dinner for our family, incorporating all of our favorite foods together into one meal- so creative. BBQ chicken, potato bar, sushi, lasagna, grilled cheese sandwiches, broccoli, and fruit snacks, complete with bubblegum-flavored cupcakes (fabulous!) and bubblegum ice cream for dessert, in honor of Tesslee's bubblegum addiction.

It was so very sweet of them to treat our family to such a yummy, thoughtful dinner. And they were so right, cooking dinner was far from my mind. To have each of our favorite foods represented was such a fun way to eat a meal. It really turned it into a celebration and a fun memory. Afterward, we spent some time with Tesslee and took her flowers and a note.

Acknowledging this milestone more as a 1/2 birthday really helped me get through what could've been a really hard day. After I got home, I checked my email, and found that my brother had written me a beautiful message acknowledging Tesslee's six month mark, and the special angel she is to our family. He also mentioned that Adeline, Tesslee's baby cousin, wore purple today just for Tess. It meant so much to me!

I went to bed feeling at peace and very grateful for the beautiful angel in my life, as well as the wonderful, caring family I have. A big Thank You to all my brothers and sisters for helping me through this milestone.

Tesslee's Trunk

I have been on a search for some time now to find the perfect trunk to store Tesslee's possessions in. For half a year, I've had all her baby items and mementos sitting in the crib and on the changing table, next to my bed. And I had purposely left them there, exactly how they were placed, until the time I was ready to put them away. When I mean put them away, I mean save them for her in a very special place until the Millennium, when she can use them.

Well, I am happy to say that last weekend Mike and I found the perfect trunk. And we weren't even looking for it, at the time. It just jumped out at me. I really think Tesslee knew I was looking for a trunk for her, and led us to a beautiful one she liked.

We were on a date, and decided to spend some time at the Temple. It was on the way there, I happened to notice an Antiques sale by the side of the road. As we passed by, my eyes fell on two beautiful, painted trunks, in different sizes, just sitting there waiting for me. There was something about the trunks. I begged Mike to turn around.

We got out of the car, and after examining them, I just knew one was Tesslee's. We talked to the seller, who mentioned there was a third, smaller trunk around somewhere, and quickly found it for us. We looked at each other and instantly thought the same thing: three matching trunks for our three daughters. We bought them, and went on to enjoy a wonderful morning at the Temple.

The girls' trunks are beautiful! They are faded and worn in places, and painted on the tops and sides with scenes of flowers and birds. I am loving them. Kilee and Ellee are so excited to have their own trunk that matches their sister, Tesslee's.

I was especially excited when Mike found the perfect spot to keep Tesslee's trunk. In my mind, I always saw it tucked somewhere in a corner of our bedroom. Mike wanted it in our family room, and I love having it there! It's so comforting when we are all hanging out together and I see her trunk sitting there with us. Tesslee will always be a part of our family, and has a trunk filled with her things ready and waiting for her when she needs them, whenever that happy day arrives.

For You

Dear Tesslee,

I know you've seen me blogging a lot, lately. And I still have so much in my head right now. I've noticed that on the days I hurt the most, I spend a lot of time in my blog. Well, I was reading back on a previous post, and a very strong thought came to me as I read:

     "...Holding and cuddling your new little child makes up for any amount of pain a mother goes through, throughout pregnancy and the birth process. With previous births, I remember thinking in moments of discomfort, Cuddling you in my arms, right now, makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat just to be in this moment cuddling with you, my precious baby..."

As I read those words, it hit me, that I would do anything for you, for any one of my children, anything at all. I would gladly take on any amount of pain or suffering, for any amount of time without giving it a second thought. Then, why has it not occurred to me before now that I am doing just that? Would it not make sense that this is what I agreed to do, so long ago? I know that Heaven could only spare you for 21 weeks, earthly time. That was all the time you needed with your precious gift, your body. And then you were on to grander assignments. I don't remember, but I'm sure I was involved in and agreed to your life plan, and am sure that this feeling of fierce love played a part in my decision to be your mother here, and go through this. I think that I knew, at one time, that you would be carrying on with your own responsibilities far sooner than I would be ready to send you off. But if this was how it was supposed to be, which I know it was, I would go through anything for you.

I will always remember the expression on your face as I held you for the first time. You were so confident, so wise, so peaceful and serene. There were no words needed in our conversation. I trusted you and knew, as I gazed into your face, that this was always your plan. You knew it, and let my heart know it, too.

And so, here I am, six months later, typing away my emotions, and trying to pick up the pieces to my broken heart, struggling daily with the pain of losing you. My sweet Tesslee, I just want you to know, that for you, my child, I would go through this. Knowing you, feeling you, and experiencing glimpses of Heaven with you makes everything I've gone through completely worth it, and I would gladly do it all over again in a heartbeat, just because I love you and support you, my precious angel.

Love Always,
Mom

Our Special Day

Today was one of those days I will cherish forever. We got the phone call that the cement around Tesslee's headstone was ready to pour if we were able to come up and place our hands in the concrete today. To say we were excited would be an understatement! We checked the kids out of school, canceled soccer practice, and headed up to Salt Lake. I was pretty nervous. I wanted Tesslee's headstone to turn out just right, and didn't know exactly what to expect.

When we arrived, the kind, older man took us around back into an old shed, where a few rows of wet, concrete headstones were drying. Talk about nerve-wracking bringing four young children to tip-toe between the wet headstones! As I walked through them, I couldn't help but think about each of them individually, and the families who so carefully designed them in honor of their loved one. Like us, I'm sure they think about it everyday, and are waiting patiently, so excited to have the final project! I felt blessed that my little family was able to see a part of this process that, I think, is rarely experienced.

 Jefferson went first, and his turned out perfectly! (I love having a bold son who is not afraid to be the first.) I feel just awful that I didn't get a picture of him placing his hand into the concrete. But, here is his print...

...Kilee was next...

 

 

...followed by Caden...

 

 

 

 

...then Ellee...

 

 

 

 

 ...Mike was after...

  

 

 

 

..then it was my turn...

 

 

 

 

We love how it turned out, and can hardly wait to see it dry and in place!

 

 

 

 

 

When we finished, we took a few minutes and walked through the rows and rows of headstones that were on display in the front yard area. It was fun seeing the kids so excited over the different monument styles. We all pointed out the headstones we wanted. All at once, this overwhelming feeling settled around us. My heartache vanished, and the space around me felt thick with a peaceful strength. I felt Tesslee next to me. She let me know she is aware of what our family does, and that she enjoyed the afternoon with us. We walked across the street together, and got into the car. My heart was overflowing with happiness as I could feel that our family was all together. I will treasure this day, always. 

 

 

 

 

 

A Safe Place

For months I've been longing to pack up my little family and leave to a safe place. A place where no one talks of babies. A place where moms do not complain loudly how uncomfortable it is being pregnant, a place free of car seats and strollers, bouncers and diaper bags, piercing cries, baby showers and joyful birth announcements. How did I ever become so broken? I am desperate to find a place I can relearn how to take care of my family. A place my husband can find his wife. A place my precious children can get their mom back. A place I can recapture myself and my goals. Where is this island I dream of? There has to be neutral ground somewhere. I can't be the first one in search of it.