The Bill

Today I got the one and only doctor bill I will ever get for my Vick. It stung my heart. I looked over it, and after processing my thoughts and emotions for my baby boy I gave a body to, but will have to wait to meet, I suddenly surprised myself with a whole new slew of emotions. I am so grateful for that doctor bill! I am so grateful I have it and that I can pay for my baby boy! It validates to me that he really did exist. I will keep it safe with his pregnancy stick and some photos.

I sooo wish I could relive November 12, 2012 over. In those minutes I was talking to the doctor and viewing Vick on ultrasound I would ask the doctor to print off a picture. Every single day I am reminded about that moment, and I see Vick's tiny body on the screen and pray that his image stays burned in my memory forever. I made up a story in my mind to help me feel better, that sometime in the future I will return to that doctor's office (and it won't be an easy thing) but I will walk into the room to get a pap smear and paper-clipped to my chart will be Vick's dear little ultrasound photo I have cried so much over. And the nurse will say, "Oh, what is this? It looks like its from a past ultrasound. Is this yours by chance?" And I will say, "Yes, I left it here by mistake once! This is a picture of my little Vick I have been missing for so long!" And I will leave that sad place with my treasure.

I will happily pay for my Vick. It is the only thing I can do for him. I wish he needed more! The bill will be one of my irreplaceable treasures. xoxo