Thursday, January 17, 2013
Emotions Felt Today
It hit me hard tonight that Vick would be 16 weeks tomorrow. I remember being that far along with Tesslee so well and just ecstatic to find out in a few days what her gender was. I cannot even believe I lost him. Its not real to me. Its so not right. No one should ever have to feel this pain. How did that happen? What was wrong? I hate Scheel's. I cannot ever go there again without that immense sadness of being reminded that that was the last public place he was with me. I walked around as much as I could, cramping and scared inside but putting on a happy face for my kids, riding the ferris wheel knowing I was losing him and it was only a matter of time. If only I could've saved him. When walking was no longer comfortable I just sat at the bar and waited for the kids to be finished looking around. It was torture knowing Vick was slipping from me. I had had enough. I was sick of smiling, pretending to the world that I was fine. I wasn't fine. My baby girl was snatched from me, I wasn't even in a safe place yet in my grief with her. How could I be losing the pregnancy that I was relying on? Vick was my rainbow at that point. He was going to give me hope back. That was his job. Was that too much weight for him to carry? I hated smiling for the camera earlier that day! That was truly the biggest deceit of my life. I hate the drs office! I hate that room! I hate Alta View hospital! I hate that stupid elevator and the cheery people I get stuck with riding down! I hate the parking lot! I hate that I am not 16 weeks pregnant right now! I should be! I hate that my baby came far, far to early and I could not do anything to save him. I hate that my healthy baby girl was strangled by the cord. All of that was going on inside me and I had no idea. I'm so saddened and a little shocked to find that I am (still) producing colostrum after birthing Vick, which will never be of any use in this life. Why does that have to happen? Its such a harsh blow to top it all off. I guess it is proof that I was and am his mother. Some days I feel strengthened to carry this heavy burden, this is not one of those days.
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Hi Sara, I'm from the Angel Mama's blog and noticed that you recently lost another baby...I also lost my babies within 7 months of each other, so enjoy reading your honest feelings about it. For a long time I felt even more angry because this happened to me twice, at least everyone else only had to deal with it once! But now I know that is not true, and hope you know, that if you think what you're feeling is not "normal", that at least we can be crazies together!!
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