Big Step

Today I took a big big big step. Huge. And I am proud of myself. I spent the day with my sister and her 8 week old baby boy. I let myself hold him close to my heart. I felt his tiny hands, I swayed back and forth when I stood up holding him. I loved him. I spent a long time with him in my arms and I let myself feel what it feels like to hold a baby again. I allowed my heart to be opened today. The kids came home from school, I had a dirty kitchen and about 50 other things that "should" be done, only I didn't even care about those things. They were non important. I just wanted to sit forever and hold him. I wished he was my Tesslee. I desperately wished it was her I was holding. I would drop everything and sit on the couch and not worry about a single thing other than memorizing her weight in my arms, and spending every single second of my day with her.

I invited my sister and her kids over. I honestly was worried about how my reaction would be. Would I have to ignore him? Would I have to pretend he wasn't there? Would I have a breakdown and make her feel bad that she came over? Am I stable enough to handle a baby, a diaper bag, a car seat in my presence, and not just any baby, but a baby who is close to my heart? I was in the bathroom doing my hair this morning while all these thoughts were running through my head, and Ellee peeked in, came up to me and said clearly, "Mom, just don't worry." and scurried out of the bathroom. I'm sure Tesslee sent her in to me with that message. Ellee is amazing. She is my comfort. She is a precious gift in this heartbreak. My little 2 year old.

 I've found that the babies I love so much are the ones that I've had the hardest time being around. Most of my sisters have had babies since Tesslee passed away, and I have not been strong enough to visit them. Its been a long, hard year. Babies that I am not emotionally tied to aren't as hard to be around (yes, hard, but not as hard.) But a baby who I already love, who already means something to me, ones who most definitely knew Tesslee very well, her friends, those babies are the ones who I have not been able to be around yet. I think today may have been a pivotal point in my grieving process. I definitely moved forward. I am so proud that I went through with this. I don't know whats in store for tomorrow, or how I will feel in a day or two, grief is tricky. But I think that my Tesslee and my Vick are very happy with my progress today. And I am very grateful to Em for allowing me to move at my own pace, to take the steps when I am ready, for letting me progress on my terms, and for not abandoning me in the process.