The voids in my heart are more apparent than usual today, it hurts so much it is painful to breathe. I've been finding myself reliving firsts all day long. I don't know why today is any more significant than any other day lately, but I've had to fight back the tears often.
I know another break down is coming. I welcome the breakdowns. They renew my spirit and relieve the pain. I just don't want my kids to see them any more. They always say, "Mom, you're crying again." Moms are supposed to be strong. They are the ones who comfort and are the ones who always know just what to say and how to fix everything. I wish I could be seen again as that mom. Instead its my kids who comfort me. I love looking deeply into their eyes, seeing them look back at me. I love to listen to their heartbeats. I love to feel their hands holding mine and see the creases in their feet. I love how Ellee pulls me close and kisses my forehead. Mike and the kids are holding me together. Today I miss my two little angels so desperately. My arms are just aching for them and my heart longs for them.
We went bowling today. The same bowling alley we went to a few weeks after Tesslee passed-which was my "first time forcing myself to put on a smile and join the real world again" activity. That was the day I met my first angel mom in public. I had recognized her shirt as one of the "Walk of Remembrance" shirts I had seen online. I had to go up and meet someone who knew this pain. We instantly had this bond and shared our stories. We both told each other how sorry we were that the other was called to go through this too. She showed me her baby boy's name on the back of her shirt. I think I will relive that experience every time I go to the bowling alley.
Later on today I went to a parent's meeting for my son's upcoming school play. I didnt' even have it in the for front of my mind until the director began speaking and my mind flashed back to last year this same time when they were collecting parent volunteers at the meeting to paint the set and help out backstage, etc. I knew I wanted to help as much as I could, but I couldn't be around paint fumes, and would be awkward on my feet, not able to lift much or help backstage as I got further along with Tesslee. The sorrow intensified to almost unbearable as I fought back the tears and tried to swallow reality, that I never got to that point. She lived her entire life before I even got to see her beautiful eyes staring back at me. Its so hard to go on each day, recognizing her absence from every thing we do. My mind was far away from the parent meeting tonight.
After the meeting I was driving Mike's car home and had another flashback of the last time I drove his car. It was 2 days before I lost my sweet Vick and I was beginning to get those impressions that I was going to miscarry. I was driving home by myself, well, just Vick and I, and I was talking to him all the way home. The smell of the old car and its boat-like rolling along made me feel like Vick was with me again. I miss him so much. I would be 14 weeks along with him. I see the women at church who have just announced their new pregnancies and are in that club of all the women who will be delivering together again, and it hurts so much to have once again belonged with them, but only briefly, and no longer. And none of them even know that I was. I smile. I nod. I see them happily patting their bellies, munching on snacks and just generally glowing, and it hurts so deep.
I haven't begun to figure out how to manage grieving for two different babies at the same time. I feel stunned, unorganized and scatter-brained. I am trying to do the best I can, and to move forward with the future. It is an overwhelmingly large task. I am taking one day at a time.
This is has definitely been one of those grief days. Tonight I am going to cuddle up with Mike, possibly cry some, talk about our babies, hold each other and know the intense the pain of having these precious angel children binds us together even stronger. I'm going to get myself through this emotional day.
No comments:
Post a Comment