I really can't believe its been five months since I held Tesslee in my arms. Five months, really? That seems like such a long time. It makes me nervous because it is nearing six months, and coming up on that half a year mark just messes me up. I still feel like it should be March right now. It makes me sad that life doesn't stop with me. Maybe that is a good thing, and its designed not to stop, to keep us going when we can't see ourselves taking another step. Maybe it drags us along so we will have a fighting chance at getting back into life at some point.
I heard a perspective from another angel mom that has helped me get through the last few days. It's a beautiful way of turning something difficult into something hopeful:
Its been five months since I held you in my arms, Tesslee, and I'm now five months closer to when I will see you again! I love you, my angel!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Dreams
The last two nights I've had dreams about Tesslee, which have made my emotions run high all day.
A couple nights ago in my dream I relived something I had really done back in December. I received one of those sample sizes of formula from a Welcome Baby package at my first prenatal appointment. You know how excited you are when you get that? It puts things into perspective. I remember thinking, This is for real! We are really going to have another baby around the house! I kept it on the counter for a few days, just to enjoy seeing it, and then tucked it under the sink in a safe place I would find it when I needed it.
Well, my dream relived that and all those excited emotions that came with that little can of formula. My dream went a little further and I now was making Tesslee a bottle and was looking everywhere for that can. I could not find it anywhere and Tesslee really needed it, but I couldn't remember where I had stashed it. Last night I was really looking for something under the sink and found the little can of formula I was trying so hard to locate in my dream, the night before. How strange to come across it the very next day, when I haven't seen it in months. It hit me all over again. This was Tesslee's first little item. And it brought me so much joy thinking about her using it up. And she never will. It made me so sad! I just put it back under the sink and tried to collect myself. I think it will stay there as long as we live here. It belongs to Tesslee.
I don't know if those emotions brought on my dream about Tesslee last night, or what. I haven't had dreams about her for months. And to have two in a row is really weird. I don't know if this dream made me happy or sad. But it is frozen in my mind and I remember everything about it and wished many times today that it was real.
Last night I dreamed that I was holding Tesslee. She was full term and beautiful and alive. I just kept cuddling her and kissing her and looking at her beautiful body I had missed for so long! I couldn't stop looking at how beautiful she was. Her little features were just as I remember them. And the best part was that she wasn't someone else's baby that I had to give back. She was my very own Tesslee. My perfect baby and I didn't have to say goodbye to her. I never let her go. She was safe in my arms and was mine forever. Oh, how I miss her beyond words!!!
A couple nights ago in my dream I relived something I had really done back in December. I received one of those sample sizes of formula from a Welcome Baby package at my first prenatal appointment. You know how excited you are when you get that? It puts things into perspective. I remember thinking, This is for real! We are really going to have another baby around the house! I kept it on the counter for a few days, just to enjoy seeing it, and then tucked it under the sink in a safe place I would find it when I needed it.
Well, my dream relived that and all those excited emotions that came with that little can of formula. My dream went a little further and I now was making Tesslee a bottle and was looking everywhere for that can. I could not find it anywhere and Tesslee really needed it, but I couldn't remember where I had stashed it. Last night I was really looking for something under the sink and found the little can of formula I was trying so hard to locate in my dream, the night before. How strange to come across it the very next day, when I haven't seen it in months. It hit me all over again. This was Tesslee's first little item. And it brought me so much joy thinking about her using it up. And she never will. It made me so sad! I just put it back under the sink and tried to collect myself. I think it will stay there as long as we live here. It belongs to Tesslee.
I don't know if those emotions brought on my dream about Tesslee last night, or what. I haven't had dreams about her for months. And to have two in a row is really weird. I don't know if this dream made me happy or sad. But it is frozen in my mind and I remember everything about it and wished many times today that it was real.
Last night I dreamed that I was holding Tesslee. She was full term and beautiful and alive. I just kept cuddling her and kissing her and looking at her beautiful body I had missed for so long! I couldn't stop looking at how beautiful she was. Her little features were just as I remember them. And the best part was that she wasn't someone else's baby that I had to give back. She was my very own Tesslee. My perfect baby and I didn't have to say goodbye to her. I never let her go. She was safe in my arms and was mine forever. Oh, how I miss her beyond words!!!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Steps
This week I have felt life slowly trickling back into me, and it really does feel good. It's been almost five months since Tesslee passed away, and almost five months of having no desire to cook meals, listen to the radio, watch movies, exercise, or do anything I used to enjoy. Its just been a blur. Last month I remember feeling so discouraged that I had lost the desire to do things I once liked, discouraged that this was my new life. The only thing my heart has really been into is anything Tesslee-related.
Well, this week something changed. I had this strange urge to fix dinner. One night, lasagna...then chicken stir fry,... and then, meat and potatoes. Today, I even made 2 loaves of whole wheat bread! That is a HUGE deal for me. And it made me happy. I can tell life is finding its way back. I was thinking about how long it really has been, and its been about 10 months of just getting by. The first five I was pregnant and staying away from cooking, the last five I've been grieving and haven't felt like cooking. So these meals are such a big deal!
I think I might be moving into another stage of grief. Maybe I'm starting to accept Tesslee's short little life and death, and am realizing that there is nothing I can do about it, it is what it is. I don't know. I am on a roller coaster, though. Hmmm. I guess we'll see, but I have to acknowledge these steps, and I am so proud of myself!
Well, this week something changed. I had this strange urge to fix dinner. One night, lasagna...then chicken stir fry,... and then, meat and potatoes. Today, I even made 2 loaves of whole wheat bread! That is a HUGE deal for me. And it made me happy. I can tell life is finding its way back. I was thinking about how long it really has been, and its been about 10 months of just getting by. The first five I was pregnant and staying away from cooking, the last five I've been grieving and haven't felt like cooking. So these meals are such a big deal!
I think I might be moving into another stage of grief. Maybe I'm starting to accept Tesslee's short little life and death, and am realizing that there is nothing I can do about it, it is what it is. I don't know. I am on a roller coaster, though. Hmmm. I guess we'll see, but I have to acknowledge these steps, and I am so proud of myself!
Seeing Things Differently
One thing that's been popping in and out of my mind the last few days is the first thing I realized that Tesslee taught me. When I think about the drive home from the doctor's office after receiving the news that she was gone, I still wonder how I made it home. I remember gripping the steering wheel, and trying so hard to focus on the road while tears gushed down my face and my mind was a million miles away. I prayed that I would make it home safely, and I managed to get to my mom's. She drove me the rest of the way home. A couple hours later, after having a little time for things to sink in, I found myself replaying the drive home, with a new perspective, though.
I thought about how many times in my life I have been driving along, and someone pulls right out in front of me, causing me to slam on the brake... Or someone almost merges into me... Or people have seemed so oblivious to other drivers. I used to get so frustrated! I see everything differently now. I think of the many people who I'm sure were frustrated with how SLOW I was driving that afternoon, and wonder if I had cut any one off on the way home.
I find myself giving others the benefit of the doubt, a lot now. I find myself saying, maybe they just received some shocking news of their own... maybe they are frantically trying to get to the hospital. The fact is, I don't know what they are going through. And I am so grateful to those who were (and are) patient with me every single day. I hope I don't ever forget this little bit of insight Tesslee's experience has taught me, that I am forever changed to look at things from a different perspective before I jump to conclusions.
I thought about how many times in my life I have been driving along, and someone pulls right out in front of me, causing me to slam on the brake... Or someone almost merges into me... Or people have seemed so oblivious to other drivers. I used to get so frustrated! I see everything differently now. I think of the many people who I'm sure were frustrated with how SLOW I was driving that afternoon, and wonder if I had cut any one off on the way home.
I find myself giving others the benefit of the doubt, a lot now. I find myself saying, maybe they just received some shocking news of their own... maybe they are frantically trying to get to the hospital. The fact is, I don't know what they are going through. And I am so grateful to those who were (and are) patient with me every single day. I hope I don't ever forget this little bit of insight Tesslee's experience has taught me, that I am forever changed to look at things from a different perspective before I jump to conclusions.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Tender Mercy
This post is for myself to look back on and be reminded when the hard moments hit. Because once I record this sweet experience, I know I will be tried.
Over the past four months it has been difficult to stand aside, empty-handed, as many of my sisters have completed their pregnancies and have brought home beautiful, healthy bundles of joy, with the majority of them being baby girls. While I am happy for them, at times it has seemed more than I can bear, and I have felt as though the universe is mocking me and dumping salt into my deeply pierced heart. I have found myself thinking, Really? This is the year I lose my baby girl? The year so many baby girls arrive in my family? Why this year... this summer? There are plenty of 'off years' when no babies are born. God is laughing and seeing just how hard He can make this for me.
As I visited with my mom today, she gave me a few of the older Ensign magazines, to look through, before she discarded them. After a long day and the kids were tucked into bed, I picked up one of them began browsing casually through it, not fully expecting to find something of comfort, but hoping to be distracted.
The article I turned to was titled, My Mission Was Cut Short, by Lisandra Brothers. It looked interesting, and that's exactly how I feel with my pregnancy, so I began reading, and instantly knew this article was meant for me to read this exact night. A paragraph jumped out at me as I began and I felt as though I had written it myself:
"It is difficult not to be able to finish the full length of your mission. You wonder about the things that could've been, the things you missed. For many years I could not shake the feelings of sorrow and yearning for the experiences I might have had otherwise."
The article goes on to tell a story of how a sister missionary had passed away on her mission and the mission president spoke at her funeral, saying that he "didn't know that the Lord had any apologies to make. She was His, and if He felt like calling her away like that, it was His affair." I felt like those words were speaking just to me. The mission president next explained that the Lord was aware this would happen and had placed another sister missionary there only days before to continue the missionary work.
The writer then stated, "I realized that... the Lord knew well beforehand what would happen and had prepared additional sisters to take our places." After reading this, something in my heart softened and in my mind I immediately saw the faces of my sweet little nieces. Instantly, I understood the great gift my Father had blessed me with this summer, yet had been unaware of until now. Heavenly Father has not been mocking me. He is taking care of me in the most needed way. He is making this trial as easy as He possibly can for me, if I will just trust Him. The words I once felt my sweet Tesslee whisper to me filled my mind again, "Trust in the Lord and see what sweetness comes from this."
What I originally took as salt being poured into my open wound, has turned into an understanding that my Heavenly Father is deeply mindful of my pain and broken heart. I feel as though He is saying to me, I needed yours back, but I am placing four precious, little girls around you to bring comfort and fill your empty arms throughout the years. "...Be still [my daughter] and know that I am God." (D&C 101:16)
Over the past four months it has been difficult to stand aside, empty-handed, as many of my sisters have completed their pregnancies and have brought home beautiful, healthy bundles of joy, with the majority of them being baby girls. While I am happy for them, at times it has seemed more than I can bear, and I have felt as though the universe is mocking me and dumping salt into my deeply pierced heart. I have found myself thinking, Really? This is the year I lose my baby girl? The year so many baby girls arrive in my family? Why this year... this summer? There are plenty of 'off years' when no babies are born. God is laughing and seeing just how hard He can make this for me.
As I visited with my mom today, she gave me a few of the older Ensign magazines, to look through, before she discarded them. After a long day and the kids were tucked into bed, I picked up one of them began browsing casually through it, not fully expecting to find something of comfort, but hoping to be distracted.
The article I turned to was titled, My Mission Was Cut Short, by Lisandra Brothers. It looked interesting, and that's exactly how I feel with my pregnancy, so I began reading, and instantly knew this article was meant for me to read this exact night. A paragraph jumped out at me as I began and I felt as though I had written it myself:
"It is difficult not to be able to finish the full length of your mission. You wonder about the things that could've been, the things you missed. For many years I could not shake the feelings of sorrow and yearning for the experiences I might have had otherwise."
The article goes on to tell a story of how a sister missionary had passed away on her mission and the mission president spoke at her funeral, saying that he "didn't know that the Lord had any apologies to make. She was His, and if He felt like calling her away like that, it was His affair." I felt like those words were speaking just to me. The mission president next explained that the Lord was aware this would happen and had placed another sister missionary there only days before to continue the missionary work.
The writer then stated, "I realized that... the Lord knew well beforehand what would happen and had prepared additional sisters to take our places." After reading this, something in my heart softened and in my mind I immediately saw the faces of my sweet little nieces. Instantly, I understood the great gift my Father had blessed me with this summer, yet had been unaware of until now. Heavenly Father has not been mocking me. He is taking care of me in the most needed way. He is making this trial as easy as He possibly can for me, if I will just trust Him. The words I once felt my sweet Tesslee whisper to me filled my mind again, "Trust in the Lord and see what sweetness comes from this."
What I originally took as salt being poured into my open wound, has turned into an understanding that my Heavenly Father is deeply mindful of my pain and broken heart. I feel as though He is saying to me, I needed yours back, but I am placing four precious, little girls around you to bring comfort and fill your empty arms throughout the years. "...Be still [my daughter] and know that I am God." (D&C 101:16)
Friday, August 3, 2012
A Mother's Love
Its been four and a half months since I told my sweet, baby girl hello and goodbye, a four and a half month heartache. What I would give to hold Tesslee in my arms again. I wonder what she is doing all the time... if she popped in to see us today, if she is watching me type this right now. What is my sweet angel doing this very second?
It feels like a deep, intense homesickness for my child to return home after being gone a little too long. And it is depressing to think that I will just have to learn to live with this pain. The void is very real. It feels like there is always someone missing. Because there is. I try to stay preoccupied. I've noticed, the way I deal with the pain on the really hard days is by deep-cleaning. Cleaning has become therapeutic for me. I had a really tough day camping a couple weeks ago and decided to cleaned the entire bathroom there just to release some anger. I hate cleaning bathrooms. But it was a positive outlet.
Today I broke down again and deep-cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, and thought about Tesslee with every sweep of the broom. I know I shouldn't ask why she is gone. I understand that God has this beautiful plan for Tesslee, and that she is doing something very important beyond the veil. But why does a mother have to love so deeply? Why does it have to be so hard for a mom to say goodbye to her child? There is nothing quite like a mother's love, I now know.
It feels like a deep, intense homesickness for my child to return home after being gone a little too long. And it is depressing to think that I will just have to learn to live with this pain. The void is very real. It feels like there is always someone missing. Because there is. I try to stay preoccupied. I've noticed, the way I deal with the pain on the really hard days is by deep-cleaning. Cleaning has become therapeutic for me. I had a really tough day camping a couple weeks ago and decided to cleaned the entire bathroom there just to release some anger. I hate cleaning bathrooms. But it was a positive outlet.
Today I broke down again and deep-cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, and thought about Tesslee with every sweep of the broom. I know I shouldn't ask why she is gone. I understand that God has this beautiful plan for Tesslee, and that she is doing something very important beyond the veil. But why does a mother have to love so deeply? Why does it have to be so hard for a mom to say goodbye to her child? There is nothing quite like a mother's love, I now know.
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