Midnight Ramblings

I miss my little Victor so much right now. I would be over 20 weeks, that milestone of moving from  being labeled "miscarriage" to "stillbirth" had he lived up til now. I hate that I think in terms of death now, wishing my baby could've been considered a stillbirth instead of a miscarriage, although in reality there is no difference, just for what he is offered in this life, a birth certificate, a name on church records, an official burial, acknowledgement, etc.

I'm attending a 6 week grief course at the hospital for miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss to get some help. I got a handout that showed the size of a 6 week gestation baby and I cried. It was exactly Vick's size and shape. I miss holding him and experiencing his precious little body at such an early gestation. To think that each of my children started out at that tiny size is so amazing. It's so fulfilling  as a mother to watch my kids grow and see their lives unfolding. It gives me so much pleasure accompanied with pain every time I do this, knowing there two of my babies are not in my arms and not growing up before my eyes. My heart aches for them. My heart aches to not have my rainbow baby with me. My heart smiles when I pull out that paper that has Vick's size. It's like the only thing I have to remember him by.

Grief took me by surprise today. I questioned God's placing of a baby into the life of a drug-addicted, single mom i know. I never thought I would do that. It seems so unlike the old me. I was so mad that he would take away the baby I so longed for, and place one in someone's life who wasn't expecting or wanting one. I hate these emotions that surface at the most unnexpected times. I hate the jealousy(?) and anger I feel when I have to sit thru a baby blessing of twins. My question to God is Where is the fairness in that? Why are some moms blessed to take home 2 babies and some have their hopes up that they too will bring home a baby only to come home empty handed. Why did I get pregnant only to lose Vick shortly after? Why did I  get led on that I would have my 3rd baby girl, never to raise her in this life? Why did my daughter have to go through the hurt of never mind, Tesslee won't be sharing a room with you afterall. Why do my kids have to wonder if the next baby (if there is one) will be a baby or an angel? I hate that my kids have lost their innocence too. i wish i could protect their innocence with a world where babies dont die. i hate that people are ignorant to the fact that this could happen to them. What more hell do we have to go through? Why do some mothers go thru life never experiencing child loss and some have to go through this hell? Who chooses which moms get to lose their babies and which moms get to keep them? Which moms get to kiss and snuggle their babies and which moms get to bury theirs? Where is the fairness in that? Life's not fair but it should be in terms of a mother's love. No mother should ever lose her baby. Child loss should not exist.

It's weird to see how my mind is processing what I've been through. Last night I dreamed I was taking Tesslee and Victor for a walk in our double jogger. This is something I've done with all my kids: Jeff & Kilee, Cade & Ellee, and now Tesslee & Vick. I buckled them in and was so excited to walk them through life. I tried as hard as I could to push the stroller but it wouldn't budge. The stroller wouldn't move. I wouldn't be taking them on a walk after all. I woke up sad and hurt. This dream is still so vivid in my mind. The processing dreams don't leave me. I can see every detail clearly for months. I guess my mind is just trying to make sense of all of this.