February

February has already given me whiplash. The other day I was creating my monthly white-board calendar for February and filled in the days with Jr Jazz basketball, scouts, school play practices, choir, my school dates, birthdays and all the other family calender dates. I was slammed with the realization that this February mirrored the events of last February, the last full month I had with Tesslee. I felt like a train had wrecked into me. I was overcome with deep, heavy sorrow. I just wanted to curl up and never face February ever again. 

As much as I love watching my son play Jr Jazz, my heart hurts every time I sit on the bleachers or enter the restroom. I spent much of last season with another mom watching our sons play while discussing baby names, dreams and my current plans of finding the perfect diaper bag. (A diaper bag that was girlie, but black- manly enough for Mike to haul around.) Tesslee's pregnancy was the first one I was actually in a position to splurge on the little luxuries I desired. I spent hours nightly last February reading all the reviews and searching online. I had finally chosen one and remember updating my friend on my choice at one of the late-February games. I remember taking restroom breaks, and loved stealing a glance at my side view in the mirror before exiting. Uggggh... So many hard memories to get through this year at Jr Jazz. At this morning's game a woman came and sat her car seat and baby girl down right next to me. This baby was clearly around Tesslee's age. In my mind I said, Are you serious?! Don't torture me! The pain is torture, sometimes I don't know how much more my heart can bear. It's even hard to breathe. I wonder if she felt my heartache, after a minute she left. I was very grateful. I was not feeling strong enough to endure that today. I would've moved if she hadn't.

Its strange, all this time I have been fearing March. But I've been blindsided by February and the final memories I have of Tesslee that are jam-packed into these 28 days.