Thoughts

It always feels like someone is missing. I feel like I live in a foggy version of reality. It hurts my heart that the people who know my family naturally see nothing different than what they have ever known. Four kids. And those that don't know our family see four kids, but they don't know our story. Every scenerio that plays out haunts me... When I'm sitting in church with four kids beside me, my family is much larger than represented. Sometimes I purposely leave extra spaces on our bench for Vick and Tess , just trying to visualize how it SHOULD look. When I set the table for dinner, I have to really think. All these different numbers are swimming around in my head. 4 kids here... 5 that I have pictures with... 6 that are mine forever, 5 plates to set out if Mike is working, 6 if he's home, and 8 if we were blessed enough to be all together. It's so confusing and heart-tugging. Tonight 2 things pricked me really hard and are eating away at me, though I didn't have the energy to mention it t the time. At our dinner gathering I was asked to gather my kids for prayer, and all I wanted to scream was IF ONLY I COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON"T KNOW HOW CRAPPY IT IS TO NOT BE ABLE TO GATHER MY KIDS!!!!!!!!

The other thing was a question to a quiz we played about our fathers for Father's Day. The question was, "What was the day and time you became a father?" And the correct answer was supposed to be the birthday and time of your oldest child. I had to bite my tongue, but I held it as I listened to excruciating statements contemplating this. I did hear someone mention conception, which I was happy was represented, but in the end the right answer was the child's birthday. I know with all my heart that I became a mother the moment my first child was conceived, the very moment my womb carried life. That made me a mother. Not when my healthy, full term child cried for the first time. I was never forced to think about that until Tesslee's heart was silenced. I realize that my family has never been forced to view life in this way,  but I was Tesslee's mother for every second she was alive. And I carried my precious Victor for the 6 weeks he was given here on earth. It was at his conception that I became a mother for the 6th time. Its weird to be blogging over this type of stuff at 1:00 am, but I feel caught in a strange world where I see everything differently, but must continue on in the old world with these trivial mundane things that torture my heart when I hear them. I cannot believe how much my losses have changed me, altered me to the core.  Its overwhelming for my emotions.

My mind often ponders on the nature of these two incredible spirits. They are celestial beings. I like to think that Victor is this incredible spirit who had some very important work to do, and that he could only be spared for a blink of time because of his greatness.. That's how I choose to consider miscarriage. One day I hope my children's short lives make perfect sense. Until then, I will think what I will to make the separation the least painful as possible.