Surviving

The last 24 hours were filled to the brim with emotion. I cried myself to sleep last night, just so hurt and missing my babies so much. In my sleep I dreamed that everyone in my family went on an outing together. We had been planning for a while. We arrived and went on a path in a cave deep in the earth. We were each able to pick out a treasure to take home. Everyone chose their own unique, beautiful rock. It was so hard to choose. All the rocks were so colorful and glittery. When we got home, we all compared our rocks. It was so exciting to see everyone's special treasure and everyone was so excited to show off the one they had. When my turn came, my glittering rock was nowhere to be found. It was gone, it had disappeared somewhere along the way home. I was devastated. I wanted to show everyone how shiny and beautiful mine was too but didn't have it with me. No one noticed, though. They all had their own special rock to hold that made them happy. I was so puzzled and couldn't figure out what had happened to my rock. It was just gone.

I broke down again in the shower. I've found its the best place to cry. The steam minimizes the evidence of crying. I'm just so tired of holding it together, pretending that I'm okay. Its lonely not having anyone to talk to about Baby Vic's pregnancy. Its hard to accept that his little life is over and done and I am the only one who notices that he is not here. I have only the positive pregnancy stick to prove he existed. How did that happen? How could I have 4 flawless pregnancies, a random cord accident stillbirth of another healthy baby, and then a miscarriage? I'm struggling with the whys and hows and was it my fault? What did I do wrong, am I to blame? What didn't I learn the first time around? Its all so much to take in emotionally, to let these pregnancies just slip away. My faith in pregnancy is lost.

I am trying to figure out all these emotions while carrying on. I was looking in our medicine cupboard for something this afternoon and came across these:

Mike hid them from me when we got home from the hospital. It brought back so many emotions... I had just gotten that big bottle of prenatal vitamins refilled, just in time to find out I wouldn't need a single one any longer.  And there's only 2 more promethazines left in the bottle... I recall just how non functioning I was a year ago. I so wish these prescriptions could've been used up.

Ellee pulled out Tesslee's clothes tonight and wanted to see her little diaper and hold her outfit. I watched the girls unwrap Tesslee's blanket.

I wish I had unwrapped Tesslee's blanket. I wish I had been the one to dress her. I wish I had had my kids come hold their baby sister as soon as she was born, so they could've seen how perfect she was. I wish I didn't care what the nurses had told me about how delicate and fragile her body was. She was dead. What was I afraid of? Its not like I would've hurt her. I wish I turned her over and spent every single second looking at her, the only seconds I would have with her.

The holidays are hard. I am so not there emotionally to celebrate or see all the excitement and merryment. I am struggling with a thankful heart and the 'reason for the season.' I am just trying to get us through it all. I miss Tess so much. I miss being pregnant with Baby Vic so much. I can't wait for this year to be over. There is such heartache at what seems like every turn. I'm weary of trusting and being let down. This year has shaken me to the core. I wish I would've known when we were naively watching Ellee lay in her hospital bed to take it all in and get a good look because I would be broken down to nothing the next two pregnancies. I'm going to bed. It feels good to get this out. Hopefully tomorrow I can start fresh and whole and won't feel so raw.