PTSD

I have really struggled to gain control over the PTSD. A few days ago our community experienced a devastating loss of a child the same age as my oldest son. It is so tragic. Knowing my experience after losing my babies, my heart has gone numb the last few days as I've mourned in my heart for the loss of this family's son. My son's football team has chosen to dedicate the rest of the season to their peer. They have each put his name on their helmet. It is very touching and raw at the same time. What a difficult road lies ahead for the family and all who knew him. It has thrown me back a few steps in my healing process.

I woke up last night in a sweat and panic. I dreamed all my kids were dying one at a time. One stepped out of our car and was immediately hit by an oncoming car as I watched. I was then at the gas station filling up my car (we were sitting on top of the car, ???) and another child slid off the car and down a cliff. My husband reached to grab him and also slid off. They were all just gone, each right before my eyes in ways I had no control of. I'm very thankful to have just visited with my bishop and have some new ways of regaining control over what trauma has left me with.

I sat up, took some deep breaths and tried to clear my mind and slow my racing heart down. All I could see were pictures of my kids replaying their deaths over and over. I stopped those thoughts right there. Done. Redirected them. I am here in my bedroom at home. My children are with me. They are alive. We are ok. We are safe. The images again tried to take control. I stopped them. told myself it was only a dream. I am here. We are safe. My children are alive. I can do this. This is reality. Only peace. Peace.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can change my thought process. I am in control. I am strong-willed. I have experienced pain beyond comprehension and am healing. I can do this. I can choose what I think about. I can choose what I want my heart to feel. I know what Tesslee and Victor are doing and they are fulfilling their plans. I am happy they are there. I have celestial children. They are happy. I choose to be happy.

I will beat PTSD.