Just Plain Angry

I've noticed the closer I get to Vick's due date, the harder it's been. I have so many times throughout the day that I want to drop what I'm doing and post my feelings, but it has to wait for one reason or another, and by the time the kids are all tucked into bed and the house is quiet, I don't even want to revisit the strong emotions I had.

Lately, it's been the whole fairness issue that's been hard to grasp.I've really struggled with why God has allowed two of my babies to die and then not let me be able to conceive. It's strange to me that I am at peace with Tesslee passing. My inner battle and struggle with God has been that Vick passed away. I was so leaning on him to heal me. I loved him so much and had so much hope for him that he was the rainbow that would fix everything. I loved him every single bit as much as I loved Tesslee or any of my children. It's hard to comprehend how I can love something so much that was only with us for such a short time. I can't explain it, but I guess that's what a mother's love is. Right from the very start. I would've given my life for him without giving a second thought. I feel 2 very large holes in our family.

Its hard to see people get pregnant who were not trying or did not plan on another baby. Very hard. I am still trying to figure my feelings out here. It hurts so deep that my arms are still empty as 2 babies have slipped from them and some people's arms are fuller than they had intended. It is an indescribable pain. I know I have to be stronger in my mind and not let it wander to what other people's lives look like, but sometimes I just do.

I hate that my family cannot understand me. I feel so alone walking this path. Its true that it gets harder the second year because most of them are sick of asking how I'm doing, they want the old me back and are frustrated so they don't ask anymore. They just ignore and wait for it all to go away. It hurts. It hurts to be in excruciating pain and not have the ones I love the most acknowledge that I'm hurting. And how can they? None have walked the path I have. None have buried their babies so how would they understand? How could they? I keep reminding myself of that. It's just lonely. I'm so grateful I have Mike. When he holds me it temporarily takes the pain away. He's so patient. I love him so much.

I'm going through a stage where I know I cannot handle much more pain emotionally, but I have no desire to get help from God. I know that sounds so bad, but I am very mad at Him for putting me through this. My grief counselor told me to be mad. To be mad as long as I need to to work through my anger, not side step it. She told me that "God can take it." I like hearing that because sometimes I feel guilty being mad and not wanting to come to Him when I know He offers peace, but I can't deny my feelings of anger towrd Him. My whole life is seriously in conflict right now. I want a baby, but I don't think I could take care of one. I have lost confidence in myself that I can carry a baby to term, or keep a baby from dying, which I know is ridiculous since I've done it 4 times. It's hard when your babies die without you being able to do a thing for them or control the situation so they don't die. i have realized a loss of control in my life. It's hard to get used to. I'm conflicted that I am happy for my very pregnant sister and that her baby is healthy, but I don't want to even think about it because it stabs my heart that my Vick isn't in my womb anymore and I won't be bringing him home soon as well. I am coming around to being able to see my nieces who are Tesslee's age, but it still pricks my heart at each bit of info I overhear about what stages they are in. Sometimes it is excruciating to hear what they are eating, or how much they are sleeping now and all the little things that I would (should) be doing with Tesslee too. It is hard to breathe when I hear these things.

I'm getting rid of all the baby things I used for Kilee and Ellee that I have been hanging onto for Tesslee. It was so hard to go through the clothes. They are so tiny. And so ready to be used. So cute. It brought up all my thoughts of Tesslee wearing Ellee's old clothes. But I need to get rid of them. We don't have room for them anymore. It might feel good to let go. I don't know if I will actually be able to take them away. But for right now they are bagged up in my living room. I just wish Tesslee could've wore those clothes.

I am so nervous for a family camping trip that is scheduled in July. I hate July so much. All the family and all the babies will be there for the first time all together, except mine. Now if Vick was still alive I would not even be attending (same scenario as last year with Tesslee) but unfortunately I am attending. No baby is arriving anymore (again) and to imagine all the other babies toddling around playing with each other and to see the moms chatting away about their babies like all moms do will tear what's left of my heart out. The worst thing I am embracing myself for will be the comment that someone says, "Hey, look. It's all the babies together finally." That will kill me inside. The final blow as I realize my babies have been forgotten, not on purpose, but just because they. don't. realize....... I guess it's ok, I'm used to that. I have grown accustomed to the pain over the last year, but just to have it culminating like that just makes me so nervous. Anticipating the pain makes me reluctant to go. And there I am conflicted again because I love my family so much. Each one of them. I have the very best SIL's ever. And I could not love my siblings any more than I do. So why do I have to have this conflict where I love so deeply?

I can't believe I wrote all that. I guess I needed to get that out. I just hope that I can get to a place where I feel the need to come to my Savior and let him carry me. I need it so bad right now. I need rest. I need peace. If I can just get myself there to Him...